- 9 years ago
I created this account so I could post incognito because I’m a little embarrassed and ashamed to post this.
My fiance and I have been together for almost five years and will be getting married this coming summer. I could not ask for a better life partner – he is smart, driven, kind, generous, and loves me to death. We can talk for hours and hours about anything and I know we will always be able to. He’ll make a wonderful father. In short, we love each other very much.
However, I’ve recently started having intense, all-consuming thoughts about an old lover. I won’t say ex boyfriend because he was never really my boyfriend. I studied in France for awhile in college and met this guy…let’s call him J. For me, I was smitten at first sight. He was physically everything I had ever wanted in a man. There was a deep attraction. We went out on a few proper dates, but everytime I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks afterward. When I tried to contact him he was responsive, but he never took the initiative or else made excuses that he was busy, etc.
We saw each other on and off for about a year. We only had sex once. All the other times we hung out, we would usually just meet up on nights when I was out and called him, and then we would go off somewhere just him & I, drink a bottle of wine and just kiss and make out until the sun came up. The passion I felt with him was the most intense passion I’ve ever felt with anyone. Just kissing him could set me on fire. I’ve never felt that passion with anyone else in my life.
However, after much thought, I realized that no matter how much I hoped to make J my boyfriend and hoped that he would want something serious with me, he never would. So I cut off contact with him. I moved on. I haven’t seen him in over five years.
Cut to present day: J and I found each other on Facebook a few years ago. We had one brief chat when we first became FB friends (maybe mildly flirtatious) but nothing since. However, a few weeks ago, I received a chat message from him asking me How I was doing, etc….I just said fine and logged off chat.
But since then, I have not been able to stop thinking about him. I look at his photos. I re-read my journal from way back when (where I wrote down, in detail, all our moments together). I fantasize about him. I wrote him a letter (that I won’t send) telling him how deep my feelings were for him back then and how I’ll always remember him.
I feel so guilty and crazy. From looking at his FB, the guy is clearly a permanent bachelor with no chance of settling down with anyone ever. I am sure he never really liked me on any serious level other than just a fling. Nothing will ever become of us, nor would I want it to, because there isn’t a whole lot between us emotionally other than an intense attraction and physical connection.
So why do I feel this way? I love my fiance and he is the person I want to make my life with. But I feel like I am channeling all my sexual desire into this fantasy man. I feel guilty and silly about it.
Has anyone ever gone through this or can relate? I personally think maybe because the finality of marriage and of never being with another guy again is kind of hitting me. I have a great sexual relationship with my Fiance but after five years together…that butterfly in your stomach buzz when you kiss just isn’t there. I think I am relying on the idea of a fantasy because it is safe and perfect – my Fiance has flaws, and things that annoy me, that a fantasy guy won’t ever have (even though if I were really with that guy seriously in real life I’m sure he would do the same kind of things to annoy me, like leave the toilet seat up and fart in bed).
So…yeah. I feel terrible and don’t want to act on these feelings but for the past few days they have been consuming me and they are all I can think of and I stay connected to FB chat half hoping he will message me so I can have a chance to talk to him. What do I do ??