(Closed) Fantasizing about an ex lover…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1747 posts
Bumble bee

@jojooreo: Lol…this sound like a romance novel with Fabio on the cover. Do not contact him and defriend him on facebook. You have not done anything wrong but maybe its best to remove the temptation. I think you already know this. He is only a fantasy because you can’t have him. If he were your Fiance he too would be annoying.

Post # 4
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You’ve built up the fantasy in your mind.  If anything “serious” were to come of you and J, my bet is that you’d be pretty disappointed.  Fantasies are fantasies for a reason.

Post # 5
3261 posts
Sugar bee

It’s been a few years, I think its high time you erased J from your memory. Block him on facebook, burn your old journal and appreciate the man that  is in your life and wants to commit to you. 

But perhaps its not an issue of wanting this other man, it may be an issue with the passion you feel towards your Fiance. Maybe you should do some research on how to reignite the romance and passion that I’m sure you two have, that I’m sure you must have once had, being that you’ve been together for 5 years. 

Post # 6
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I agree, Definitely block him on facebook.  I think no contact and not being able to see his pictures will make sure it stays a fantasy and doesn’t become a reality.  I think having a fantasy is fine as long as you don’t act upon.  You can look, just don’t touch..

Post # 7
5517 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

Well, delete him. I feel like the first step to cheating is the temptation itself. First it is just a friend request, then just a brief chat, then a longer one.. next thing you know you are cyber sexing all up and down. Not saying that you will give in to temptation.. but.. it sure does make it a lot easier being able to just open a chat with him. As for the fantasy… I can kind of understand where you are coming from.. The reality of ‘being with only one man for the rest of my life’ is a hard pill to swallow.. never having a first kiss.. or first.. you know “time” is kind of a life changing thought. Either way..  I think once you remove the contact line you have with your guy.. it is ok to fantasize! Because it will be just that. 

Post # 8
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sounds like normal cold feet to me. I think the idea of commiting to one person for the rest of your life – emotionally, physically, sexually – is a HUGE thing, and it’s normal for you to have some sort of mini freak out and wonder about past flings. It’s only natural. The thing is it sounds like you know that your fiance is the person you want to be with. Just keep focusing on that, and I agree with PPs that now might be the time to get rid of all remnants of “J” in your life.

If it makes you feel any better, I had some sort of weird cold feet obsession-type crush on a celebrity about 4 months before my wedding: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/is-this-cold-feet . It came out of nowhere, and it was COMPLETELY ridiculous. Don’t worry, lots of us go through this!

Post # 9
4038 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I can tell you from experience that the fantasy of someone…even the fantasy of someone you’ve already been with…is always much better than the reality. 

I have an ex, also a J, lol. I was crazy about him. He was perfect to me, and in a lot of ways, he was perfect FOR me. We lived together, dated on and off, but mostly just had a lot of sex. He had a dark, passionate edge that drew me in, over and over again. He was fun, and fun to be with. Had he ever asked, I would have married him in a heartbeat. He was the quintessential bad boy, and I was 19. My family hated him.

Circumstances (really really long, tangled up story, that ultimately boiled down to him choosing another girl over me, and completely devoting himself to her in a way he never did to me) and a natural distaster ended with us living in different states. I pined for a long time. Then I met D, and I didn’t pine so much anymore. D is a great guy. He’s funny, and charming, and open and loving and loyal, and a billion other things I could write. And he chose me back. 

Fast-forward about three years, and D and I have split up. J comes into town. I spend the evening nervous, because I remember how good it was when it was good back then, and the overwhelming chemistry we still had, and we meet up, get a couple drinks, flirt a lot, and end up back in my bed.

Problem was, I wasn’t 19 anymore. I had built this fantasy of this guy so high up in my mind that I was definitely disappointed. There was no way I couldn’t have been. I was young and naive then. I thought chemistry overrode everything else–even fidelity. And honestly, even though we still had a lot of chemistry, the rest was just…disappointing. Because I had since found this guy that brought me the whole package. And maybe the chemistry with D wasn’t quite as intense as it was with J, but that chemistry didn’t get me anything but a broken heart, over and over. He’d never commit to me, he never chose me.

Not long after that, D and I got back together, and he’s now my DH, and J is just an ex. (DH knows about that last time, btw. Full disclosure). 

You haven’t done anything wrong. Thinking about something, even fantasizing, is not cheating. Delete him from your FB, and reinvest yourself in the guy that brings everything to the table.

Anyway, sorry for my long-windedness (totally a word, right?) but I saw a lot of myself in your post. 


Post # 10
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Totally agree w/

View original reply

You don’t need to feel guilty!  I have mini-fantasies about the hot guy in the soda aisle at the grocery store (lol)… yours is just based on something with some history.  If you were to spend any time with this guy, he’d pale in comparison to the man with whom you’ve been happy to spend 5 years.  I think it’s normal.  I think pp’s are right to suggest you delete him from FB.  Fantasy is one thing; temptation is another.  Sometimes the past is better left a memory!  Block him on FB, rock your FI’s world, and get clear with yourself on what really matters for a lifetime… you are so right that the little annoyances can kill passion, but would you be able to find any other man that works as well, flaws and all, as your Fiance does with you?  So, I think we have to work on creating the passion with the reliable, calm man who will make an amazing father and always remembers to get you chocolate at the grocery store.  I totally understand… I really do.  With this fantasy guy, you didn’t have to do anything but feel beautiful and wanted.  But for me, the fantasy loses it’s magic when I realize everything else I would have to give up to have it.  I’d rather give up a little of the passion, b/c I believe passion is the one thing that can be improved. 

I hope that made sense.  Tuck him away in the back of your mind, but don’t invite him into your life today… his flaws are probably way, way more annoying than you can imagine anyway! 🙂

Post # 11
11163 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Agreed with the PP it happens to a lot of us ladies, especially when the date gets closer.

I have someone that I think about from time to time. Would I ever consider something more with him absolutely not but we had a wild fling and it was amazing and that kind of stuff a girl just doesn’t forget. He means nothing more than a smile from time to time and some good old harmless memories.

I do agree that if you are still in contact with this fantasy man perhaps some distance is in order. While my fling guy is still around I do my best to avoid contact while being civil to prevent any suggestion of something more. I think it is best to be safe rather than sorry.

Post # 12
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I was in pretty much the SAME place as you a few months ago!  Around January an “ex” contacted me on Facebook.  I say “ex” because we dated VERY briefly, but were together many times after that and I seemed to think we had some sort of amazing connection at the time.

While I was (and am) CRAZY about my Fiance (now husband), I began thinking about this guy from my past ALL THE TIME!! I really built him up in my mind, like he was this awesome, incredible person.  In reality…he’s just NOT. 

Anyway, whereas you haven’t done anything wrong, I let things go much further than I should have.  For about a month I chatted with him on Facebook almost nightly.  Our conversations continued to get more and more personal and flirtatious.  I could not get him out of my head.

Luckily I decided that it had to stop and I deleted him from Facebook and told my Fiance.

Life continued on and I eventually stopped thinking about him.  It was easier by having no connection to him at all.  I now feel so stupid for that brief lapse in judgement, because the guy in my head was not the real life guy at all.  I suppose I just used the thought of him as some kind of outlet, and it wasn’t even about this particular guy at all.

I’m sure it had a lot to do with what you said – the finality of marriage and the fact that I would never be with anyone else again was finally hitting me.


I’m happily married now and I don’t foresee anything like that happening again.  I guess I just had to get it out of my system, or something.  I do advise that you block and delete him on Facebook, that will make it much easier for your thoughts to go away.  I know it might be hard, and I actually felt REALLY sad when I deleted my “fantasy guy,” but it’s definitely for the best. 

Post # 13
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Dont feel guilty but to avoid drama, I’d delete him.  I had a J and though I essentially choose my Fiance over J, whenever j would text me we’d get in a huge fight. I never did anything wrong other than having a friendship with my J knowing it upset my Fi. ( mY J would flirt with me though which was harmless enough, he flirts with everyone)But i stopped talking to him cause my Fi had a point and i wanted to be respectful.

Post # 14
53 posts
Worker bee

Reminpve him from FB to avoid future problems or a possible fling and take a vacation with your Fiance to get away from the stresses of normal day life. Maybe that will help respark the romance.

Post # 15
775 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I will warn you! This is long!


I completely know how you feel! Before I met my Fiance I had a summer romance with this guy named…M. We were together for 4 months. No lie, from the second I laid eyes on him I was MAD about him. That day we met we ended up getting drunk and just making out the whole time. I was unsure of him and I started seeing other people, but the thought of him possibly seeing other people bothered me. We started hanging out practically EVERYDAY. He was smart, romantic, and he was just nothing I had experienced at the time. We were both virgins so we did not do much sexually. I was 19 and he was 20. It was the longest relationship he and I had ever been in. We were very serious for a summer relationship. That summer I was the only girl he ever even kissed and I was the only girl he ever liked. The whole town knew about us and they would pull me aside to tell me how much he loved me. We would spend all day (when we werent working) together, we lived together, and we were just always together. I was crazy about him. I had NEVER met a man like that before. I loved him…and I loved him in a way that I had never felt before. We broke up because it was long distance. He was from Michigan and I was from Pennsylvania. When we broke up my heart was broken and I cried for months. I never got over him. The following summer I went back and I STILL had hopes that we would be together. Unfortunately, during the winter time he had some mental issues (he was suicidal, got admitted into a hospital, was diagnosed with Advoidance Personality Disorder, ADHD, and he was bipolar) and he was not ready for a “serious” relationship. He just wanted to work on himself. I would date other guys and I still wanted him. Even when I started dating my Fiance I still had hopes that we would be together. For years spruradically I would think about him and play the whole what if game. What if I moved to Michigan and we never broke up? What if he never went into the hospital? What if we made it and were still together? What if we got back together during the second summer? We lived in a very romantic place and summer romances are generally very romantic and its blissful. I always compared my Fiance to M. I kept a journal while I was dating him and to this day I cannot read it because the breakup makes me sad. Finally…I told myself I had to stop. I had to sit myself down (no…really I did!) and make myself realize its the past. I look at my life with my Fiance and I look at my life with M (or at least M’s life). My Fiance moved all the way from Michigan to make us work. My Fiance always knew what he wanted. When it came to college degrees, careers, our future, our relationship,…he always knew what he wanted and he would go for it. He was more mature and more sure of himself. He wouldn’t let anything stop him. M was more cautious and he wouldn’t do things because he was fearful and he just wasn’t mature enough to handle situations. M finally figured out his degree after being in his 4th year of college. He graduated and told me that he doesn’t want to get a job and start paying his loans because he is too immature. Like I feel like this guy will never have a serious relationship or even settle down til hes in his 30s…and I almost waited around for that? I would have wasted my time! My Fiance is not as romantic as M. M used to random things for me that were amazing. One day he brought me to an open field of overgrown wildflowers and grabbed me and started slow dancing…he did it one time in the middle of the street at night time. That’s like in movies! Who does that in real life?! My Fiance is different. He likes to surprise me with hot chocolate because I LOVE hot chocolate. He brings me breakfast in bed. He shows his affection differently. I do comparisons and I realize how BLESSED I am to be with who I am. If M and I never broke up I would STILL be waiting to get married after 4 years together. Who knows if M and I would still be together if we didn’t break up that summer? Also, honeymoon stages end and then you see how people really are. Would I be able to handle who he really is? I would not be where I am today. I realized that, and this may sound cheesey. Some people are not meant to be forever. I think that M was placed in my life to help me mature. Before that summer I didn’t know who I was. I was insecure and I was still trying to find myself. I dated guys who were high school drop outs from 9th grade, sellling and doing drugs, were not working, living at their mother’s house, treated me terribly, guys who I fought with on a daily basis, etc. I feel like he was placed in my life to show me that I can get better and I deserve better and that there ARE better out there. That I don’t have to settle for these guys who are not deserving of me. He helped me with that journey and he helped me mature. I think that he was placed in my life to get me from one point of my life to another and that was it. I loved him and the excitement I got with him I don’t get with my Fiance. That’s not to say that I don’t love my Fiance and am not in love, but there is nothing that beats your first time. Nothing makes you feel the same because you’ve felt it before. Also, you’ve been with your Fiance for 5 years….the honeymoon stage is over, so that excitement dies down. You have been with your Fiance long enough to see his flaws, to experience him in and out.and this guy…he was still slightly a mystery. I was excited when I first dated my Fiance, but over time….it goes onto a new stage and level and you are in reality. You live in normal life where things are stressful, you have bills, you have jobs, etc I actually had to delete my ex because if he ever wrote me I would start questioning things and doing the what if game. I’m better off just NOT communicating with him because I know that even if I lived near him and we were both single at this stage in our lives it would NEVER work out. So I think me even thinking about him is a total waste of time because I guarentee you he is not thinking about me 4 years later!

Post # 16
2153 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with the others who say you should delete this person from your life and do all you can never to think about it again…and remove all temptation. 

Welcome to the responsibilites of being a married woman. You will need to wise up and learn to protect yourself from yourself if necessary.

Your fiancee’ puts his trust in you and has give you his whole heart. You have merely let your imagination run wild.

You will be okay. Just take the advice you have been given by others. =)

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