(Closed) Fantasizing about an ex lover…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I went through something similar when my Fiance and I first moved in together. A summer fling that I was head over heels for contacted me and we talked every few days for a while. After a few weeks, I started thinking about him all the time and second guessing my Fiance and I’s relationship.

Eventually, I wised up, and deleted him from my phone, facebook, and uninstalled instant messenger from my computer so that I couldn’t contact him or wait for his messages. He got the hint, because I never heard from him again.

I’ve always thought that there are people in our lives that we are with, but when it ends, we always still wish that we could have them. When they return, it is a huge temptation. They always seem to be people that we had deep feelings for, but it ended in a way that left us unsatisfied. I didn’t get clear closure with this guy, so when he returned, I thought maybe this time I could make it right.

Just delete him from facebook, get rid of the journal. Write him a goodbye letter and then throw it out. You wouldn’t want your Fiance to read the journal! The more you allow his memory to be part of your life, the more it will consume you. Just cut it out of your life and remember that you have a wonderful person now that wants to spend their life with you. 🙂

Post # 18
484 posts
Helper bee

I agree with previous posters; this person is an fantasy and the real-life version of him is guaranteed to disappoint you.

It’s very likely that the reason you think you had so much more passion with him than with your Fiance is the fact that you only slept together once. All those evening dates with wine and kissing probably built up a lot of sexual tension between you, tension that was never released because it never went any further (except that one time). Therefore, what you think was all-consuming passion was just an unfilfilled desire to sleep with him, and this probably wasn’t helped by the fact that he was unavailable to you.

When I first started dating my SO, before we had sex, we would spend hours just kissing. It felt so amazing, and was probably the most passionate kisses I have ever had in my life. We don’t have those long kissing sessions anymore because we have a regular sex life now, so we don’t have that sort of unreleased tension between us anymore.

Bottom line is: If you your fling with this guy had turned into a serious relationship that sexual tension would gradually disappear, that’s only natural when you have a regular sex life and you become familiar with each other.

I suggest that you delete this person off FB, get rid of the journal + anything else that reminds you of him, and focus on your relationship with your Fiance. I am sure there is still plenty of passion between you if you just make time for each other; go on a romantic holiday, make a nice dinner, share a bottle of wine etc.

Post # 19
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I find that at times when I’m getting closer to DH, I think about the ex more. It’s like getting closer is kinds scary and thinking about the ex is a way to be in control. So now when I find myself thinking about the ex alot, I look at what’s been going on with DH and usually realize what has been going on that has brought us closer together. I now see the thinking about the ex in a positive light–it means I’m getting closer to my DH.

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