Post # 1
This is my first ever post. I usually just come here and find questions that others have asked and get all of my answers, but I am really stuck on this one. I have chosen to have both my dad and stepdad walk me down the aisle. My stepdad is aware of this, but I have not told my father yet. I am not particularly close to either one, but they have both been present in my life. I do not remember my mom and father ever being married and my dad has been remarried since I was 5. My stepfather has been a part of my life since I was 9. I am now 25.
I cannot choose just one, it simply does not feel right. So, that’s how I made my decision. It was pretty assumed to my stepdad that my father would walk me down the aisle, too. I live far away from my family and do not frequently see them. I had planned to have this conversation with my father in person, but I have not been able to see him since we actually set our date (we went back in forth on having a private destination wedding) so at that point it was not relevant to talk to him about it. Now here I am, 2 weeks before my wedding and I still haven’t told him about my wishes. He is a very easy going guy and I expect he will not have any issue with this, but there is a thought in the back of my head that wonders what if he gets really upset. I know he assumes he will have a role in our wedding because we have already discussed suit color and tie selection, but I just haven’t been able to have this conversation yet. I honestly was hoping I would have a chance to visit before the wedding.
I am going to speak with him tonight. Has anyone had any experience with situations like this? Was your dad/stepdad okay with your decisions?
Suggestions for how to have this conversation? I don’t want to be offensive, but I also don’t want to ask permission.
Post # 3
wow, your life is my life!
I’m in the same position… close with my dad, but my stepdad has been with my mom since I was 12 and I am close with him as well. It was always assumed by my mom and my stepdad that they would both walk me but I had never talked about this with my dad.
I was waivering on how to bring it up? or just wait till the rehearsal and say “ok so you 2 get in position”… but I know that probably wouldnt go over very well. What I do know is you HAVE to make it sound as if this is your decision not asking permission like you said. I’ll tell you how it happened for me but up until that point I realized it had to be something along the lines of bringing up teh rehearsal and say “so dad I have something I want to talk to you about. I’ve been thinking about how I want my wedding day and want everyone special to me to be a part of it and what I want is for you and ____ to both walk me down the aisle.”
I “technically” havent said the words straight out but I’d been freaking out about it. Last month I was driving to another province for a wedding and my dad txt me…. He asked where I was and I said Im standing in a wedding…he made a comment about it being good practice for mine. He says speaking of…are you having a rehearsal? I said yes… then he makes a random comment that I have no idea what else he could have possible meant if not on ref to both walking… (backround my stepdad is jamaican)…he says …”ok so we will be in the church…so myself and ____ will be ebony and ivory, hankies please”
That was the only comment about the “rehearsal”…so what else could he have meant?
So… I thought to myself…is this his way of asking or confirming that the two of them will be walking me (cause well he’s white and my stepdads black lol)….so…. I wanted to tread lightly….so I shot back “yes we will do a rehearsal, I’ll be like an oreo cookie”
meaning… the 2 of them black suits with me in the middle…I thought it was a clever way to be subtle but obvious? and he just said yes I do like oreos.
Now…. here’s my delema, Im assuming that was the not so obvious/obvious conversation…. but then again I have concerns he didnt mean it like I thought, or get my oreo ref??? I dont know if I should bring it up so I feel your pain. At this point Im lucky because I can ref that convo when the time comes and say look… this is what I want…you randomly said “this”….. what did you mean if not both walking???
Maybe you can use my oreo cookie ref as a buffer to see his reaction… like oh man im gonna be like an oreo going down the aisle and start laughing. If he says what are you talking about? then take a deep breathe and say This is what I want.
I feel ya hun…. people are asking me what the big deal is… and Im like its a lot harder to say this then you think
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@August13bride: I am going to tell you now, you’re dad will likely be hurt about it because it’s a very public display in front of guests that you don’t consider him to be your only father. There are lots of posts on here baout easy going dads flipping out about this exact situation. Are you still doing a father/daughter dance? Maybe play up the fact that the F/D dance is your special time with just the two of you. You might also want to consider having one walk you halfway and then the other walking you the rest of the way.
I have a stepdad but I would never dream of hurting my dad’s feelings in that way. Plus, my stepdad has two other daughters that he can walk down the aisle for their weddings while I am my dad’s only daughter.
Post # 5
@beachbride1216: I should have been a little more clear. My father and I only see one another on major holidays, so around 4-5 times a year (max). Even when we lived in the same state there was no real effort made. He has 4 other children with my stepmother and I am the oldest. He has always been an present part in my life, but not really someone I looked too as a father figure. I always lived with my mom and stepfather who “raised me”. My father even told my fiance when he called to tell him about his plans to propose that he was shocked he would even call him because he wasn’t particularly active in raising me. Sorry for not really giving a full background because I feel like that does change things a little. I would never imagine not having him walk me down the aisle, too, BUT I could also never just choose him alone based on the lack or our relationship. I have too much respect for him to do that, but I also equally respect the man (my stepfather) who as soon as he began dating my mom never missed any part of my life. I love my dad and he is a wonderful father to my siblings, I just never really had that experience with him, but even with that being said, I refuse to not let him be a part of my special day.
My father also has 3 other daughters and I am my stepfathers only child.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
@August13bride: My mom remarried when I was 7, so I have had a loving father and a loving stepfather since I was 7. I get along with both and both have been there for me in separate ways.
Here is how I am handling it: I am walking down the aisle with both. When we get introduced into the reception, instead of going straight into the first dance, we will do toasts. Maid/Matron of Honor, Bridesmaid or Best Man, and then my stepdad will speak as the “host” father of the bride. He will then announce that I will dance with my dad. In this way, he is seen (in his eyes) as giving “permission” for this to happen and for it to happen this way. And then I will dance with my daddy and in his eyes, this gets to be HIS special thing with his biological daughter. And then we do the mother/son, and THEN we do the first dance. Its a bit backwards but it works so well for my situation, and its not like we don’t get all the traditional bits and pieces!
Now, my dad hasn’t always had it easy but he has also made some not so great decisions in his life and so he has not always had money to help me and sometimes his decisions have effected my life. My mom and stepdad get FURIOUS about these, but to me, my dad loves me and encourages me and tells me I’m his life all the time. So my stepdad has some resentment toward my father. And even despite me trying to keep things “even” he was still feeling a little down about having to “share” me.
So you know how some people do a first look? Well I’ve been seeing a trend about getting a special set of pictures for the dad’s first look, too. Arrange for whichever father may need the “boost” and find a private time to get the “Father’s first look at his daughter” pictures, that you can request the photog keep off the blog or website, and then you can arrange to have one put in a frame for him. For me, I need to do this for my stepdad. He needs to know that although I’m “sharing” he is absolutely still my dad too and I love him to the moon and back. My dad won’t feel left out, and my stepdad feels happy, and all around its a win.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
And for clarification, I am the only daughter for each. I am my dad’s only child and I have one half brother from my mom and stepdad.