Father in law a bit weird?

posted 4 months ago in Family
  • poll: Is this kind of behavior normal?
    Yes,all men are like that! : (2 votes)
    3 %
    No! You are his DIL! It’s etiquette! : (66 votes)
    97 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    14 posts
    Newbee

    He sounds like an old pervert! No….his behavior is not appropriate at all! It’s barf producing, truthfully. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    1891 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Someone once gave me this advice and I’ve found it works really well. 

    When someone be it a coworker or whoever makes a joke that is sexist or racist or inappropriate you respond to it by looking at them with a serious look and say, what do you mean by that? And just stare them down. They will realize that the inappropriate joke they were trying to make becomes outright unacceptable if explained because.. well.. it was wrong to say in the first place. Most people react to that by saying never mind, being embarrassed, and moving on. If you do that each time they will stop because they realize they can’t get away with inappropriate things said in “joke” form. 

    Another approach is, you tell your husband that those comments make you really not comfortable and that when/ if you have kids those comments also won’t be acceptable. Ask your husband to tell his dad to stop each time he makes them Infront if him and see if that handles it. 

    Your husband: Dad, no. Save those jokes for your guy friends. Not appropriate to say to my wife. 

    If your alone with your fil and he says them you gotta just look at him and say, “inappropriate” and get up and walk to another room.you don’t even have to say anything more than that. Just that word. I get it’s awkward and not fun, and the temptation for you will be, but I wanna be the cool girl, the cool daughter in law who rolls with the jokes. I know. I’ve alwags thought of myself that way. But as uncomfortable as it is, you do that 2 times and most likely he will stop. Temporary discomfort for long term respect. But at the end of the day if your not ok with it your husband needs to be the one to tell his dad to stop. Rule is, your family? Your problem. His family is being inappropriate to his wife? His job to tell them to stop.  

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    2917 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    lemonlime93 :  That is SOOOOO inappropriate and creepy! What does your husband say when he makes these comments?

    I would not continue to see him it were me, I’d tell my husband he can go hang out with his pervy dad if he really wants to but I won’t subject myself to that type of treatment.

    Post # 5
    Member
    8783 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    lemonlime93 :  Gross. I would not be cool with this at all. At his age, nothing you say or do is likely to change his behavior so your best bet is to spend as little time as possible with him. What does your fiance say about it? 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1891 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I also just gotta say that I personally Had a realization last year. Me as an adult can understand the context of things. For example someone makes an inappropriate comment to me about a woman’s body I know they are a jerk I know how to brush it off it sucks but  as a grown adult woman I’m able to brush it off. You know who can’t brush it off? My future daughter who is seven and hears her grandpa say that comment and is deeply emotionally affected by it and thinks it’s normal.  So it’s not really you that you’re setting boundaries for it’s your future kids. As adults I feel like were excepting of much more crap than we would be for our future kids.  Just something to keep in mind. That you really do need to protect more carefully a growing kid from comments like that then you do yourself. But boundaries have to start somewhere and you might as well start them with yourself now. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    1738 posts
    Bumble bee

    Just curious, why did you just meet your father in law?

    Post # 8
    Member
    413 posts
    Helper bee

    Disgusting. And the “locker room talk” excuse is so tired. Not all men conduct themselves with zero class. Sorry you have to experience this kind of behavior from your own “family”. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    1564 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

    Anyone who voted all men are like that have some really low standards for the men in their lives.

    Because no, not all men are like this and you do not have to tolerate his behavior. First off, I would tell your husband that his father is making you uncomfortable and let him know about the comments he’s made. If he says “that’s just how he is” do not just accept that.

    If your husband won’t take action, then anytime your Father-In-Law says something inappropriate, matter-of-factly inform him that it was inappropriate, or matter-of-factly ask him what he means. Either he won’t explain himself because it’s gross and inappropriate, or he will and you can inform him that his attitude is unacceptable.

    Post # 10
    Member
    930 posts
    Busy bee

    I wouldnt let myself be alone in a room with him, like ever. keep your distance hun.

    Post # 13
    Member
    6037 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I would let my FH know that he needs to check his father or else I’m going to start doing it and it’s going to be really uncomfortable when I do it because I won’t stop. 

    Actually, my SO standing by and not saying or doing anything while his father sexually harrassed me (or anyone else) would be a good way to find himself dumped.

    Post # 14
    Member
    6325 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    Dh had a coworker like this. He told highly inappropriate “jokes” and was overall offensive. I did not respond and he said, “What’s the matter? Embarrassed?” I looked him dead in the eye and replied, “Yes, but not for the reason you think. I not embarrassed BY you; I’m embarrassed FOR you. And your wife.” And I stood up and left. Dh further took care of the issue after I walked away. So I don’t know whether it was what I said or what Dh said, but he never crossed another line around me again.

    If this happened with my Father-In-Law, I would be livid that my Dh allowed it to happen. I would let him know that either he could make sure that it never happened again, or I would – and it would probably be better for everyone involved if I didn’t have to verbally eviscerate his father.

    Post # 15
    Member
    407 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    I think that in a lot of cases women are unfairly pushed into the role of trying to make sure everyone is comfortable or diffusing a situation, and I hate that, but the one upside it does have is that you don’t often see women behaving this way. This man is doing this because he’s gotten away with it for far too long. Having zero self-awareness in society like this man does is far too widely accepted. Just walk away if he does this again and you’re not comfortable telling him he’s a skeeze. At worst he’ll think you’re rude, but you won’t have to listen to him anymore and if he tries to tell someone else he thinks you’re rude he’ll have to explain what he said and deal with the weird looks he gets.

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