Post # 1
Fiance wants to have his brother as his best man and his father as an usher which I am completely fine with… Future Mother-In-Law calls me and tells me that it isn’t etiquette to have his father as an usher… That it isn’t etiquette… Future Mother-In-Law called brother and told him that he needed to defer the best man offer ( Fiance hasn’t asked his brother yet he is waiting until face to face ) to his dad … Brother was upset because he wanted to be best man …. Future Mother-In-Law called me back upset because she didn’t know what to do…
First I feel that Future Mother-In-Law might have stepped over the boundaries in calling the brother because it was suppose to be a surprise for him and now my Fiance won’t get the reaction that he thinks he will get but at the same time is it ok to have Future Father-In-Law as an usher? I am not too worried about etiquette a wedding is what we make it but I don’t know…. I kinda feel like it isthrust more drama that didn’t need to b brought up…
Post # 3
Wow, Future Mother-In-Law really stepped over. It’you our wedding and your Fiance can have who ever he wants in his wedding party, I think it makes sence if him and his brother are close that’s why he would want him as best man, and wants his dad up with him too. My Fiance is having his step father as his best man and that’s all. He wanted it to be special and they are really close. I’m having 1 Maid/Matron of Honor and 2 bridesmaids, so it’s unbalanced don’t care, we only want those we are super close with in our wedding party, who cares about ‘etiquette’ it’s your guys special day and you should have whoever you want standing next to you!!!! I say Future Mother-In-Law stay out of it, it isn’t her day it’s yours and your FIs!
Post # 4
I’m assuming you mean FIL’s position would be that of an ordinary groomsman, not an usher greeting people and escorting them to their seats?
I don’t see why not? Many people don’t have their father’s in their wedding party. How does the father feel? Does he want to be the best man, or is this just Future Mother-In-Law getting in over herself with the etiquette issue? If anything, if I were a parent, I’d be happy that I raised my sons to be so close, that one of them was standing as best man to the other. Fiance says he doesn’t know of any tradition that requires the father to be the best man, since parents already have positions of honor.
If they feel so strongly about the presence of the father being more known, or honored, then perhaps – his parents can walk him down the aisle as well, and his dad can still be a groomsman. I know that technically it’s supposed to be your dad walking you down the aisle, but you can make new meaningful traditions. His parents are “giving away” their child as well, and I don’t see why the groom’s parents can’t walk him down the aisle in the modern day and age.
Post # 5
Yes I am sorry I meant a groomsman… My Future Mother-In-Law called him an usher… In all reality I feel that it really isnt any of their business who he decides to be in his party… His dad doesnt care if he is a Groomsman… I do know his brother was upset when she (FMIL) talked to him about telling Fiance to ask their dad first. I am trying to figure out if I should tell Fiance what is going on… a friend of mine mentioned that I should to show Fiance that his mom is getting too involved… Fiance agrees with me that his mom is getting to be too much and be involved too much but he doesnt know how to change it. I in no means want to start a fight between Fiance and his mom at all! I do love Future Mother-In-Law… it just gets hard sometimes when I am trying to plan this wedding and stuff like this gets brought up when it is just added drama… and I think I am a little aggravated she talked with the brother and that was suppose to be Fiance job.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I read about 3 wedding etiquette books, and I don’t remember seeing anything about the groom’s father having to be best man if he’s in the wedding party. Fiance should pick who he wants, in what role, end of story.
I think you should tell Fiance what’s going on- she really shouldn’t have called you about it. If she had concerns about FI’s decision, she should have addressed that directly with him.
Post # 7
She is right, its not correct to have your Father-In-Law as an usher. It would have been nicer if she hadnt spilled the beans but in the end…its a minute, a surprise and then its over. Boys dont feel the drama the same way as we do.
I think you are finding drama where there is none. Say nothing about her “spilling the beans” just find another usher and THANK HER for pointing this out. Then let it go, really, truly let it go. Go get a manicure, take a friend to tea, bake a cake, read to an elderly person…you will have so many other real crisis to deal with. This isnt one.
Post # 8
My Future Mother-In-Law does do a lot for us and I am very grateful for that… but she has trouble letting her boys “grow up” and do things for themselves. I have noticed that a lot of moms with boys have this issue… ( not all!) this isnt the first time she has over stepped the boundries and tried to “help”. I forgot to mention… I have 7 bridesmaids… he has five groomsmen including his dad.. if his dad isnt in the wedding… that leaves 4… and again it isnt a big deal if his dad is in the wedding if someone is worried about it dont come… I am not calling this a crisis… but Fiance and I have gotten in a huge fight over the fact that he wants to ask his brother, dad, uncle, friend, and cousin face to face and I guess I am just aggravated that he got mad at me and yelled at me and we fought for hours for accidently bringing it up in front of his dad and his mom went and did this and its “ok”and should be brushed off when I looked like the bad guy for accidently bringing it up…
Post # 9
So wait I’m a little confused. Just to make sure the Father-In-Law supposed to be an ordinary groomsman according to the original plan?
I honestly don’t see why your Future Mother-In-Law is so uptight. Most people DO NOT have their father in their bridal party period. How is that against etiquette when it doesn’t even happen that often?
Post # 10
I think that if you talked to Fiance about it without first talking to Future Mother-In-Law, she might feel like, why did you bring Fiance into it? You sold me out.
However, I don’t think that you should hide it from Fiance because if he finds out afterwards, he may feel some betrayal as well.
Talk to Future Mother-In-Law and suggest that you have a family meeting/dinner since it’s already gotten this far and feelings have gotten hurt. Dad will get a chance to say that he doesn’t want to be the best man. You will all have a chance to discuss etiquette – how most fathers are not in the party, but your husband would like for him to be – and how you can come up with other ways of honoring him instead of being the best man if that’s what Mother-In-Law wants. Brother’s feeling can be soothed, and Fiance can ask brother to be the best man .. face to face.
It sounds like a sticky situation regardless. I’m sorry that she came to you to deal with it instead of just telling her son. Perhaps she’s hoping that you can make Fiance less angry when he finds out. Or hide it from Fiance so he never finds out.
Post # 11
You are all right thank you so much for your opinion…
I really do love my Future Mother-In-Law and my FI’s family. Every family is different in the way they do things… his family is different than mine… after reading about other family issues that brides are going through… if getting aggravated that my Future Mother-In-Law is involved too much is the only issue I have with her than I got it good… at least she cares enough to try and help and doesnt push me away and ignore me like some of the other brides Future Mother-In-Law… I have decided not to bring it up to my Fiance I dont want to start an issue that doesnt really matter… my Fiance does understand that his mother sometimes gets too involved but it is in her nature and she means well.