(Closed) Father in law as an usher drama HELP!

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Wow, Future Mother-In-Law really stepped over. It’you our wedding and your Fiance can have who ever he wants in his wedding party, I think it makes sence if him and his brother are close that’s why he would want him as best man, and wants his dad up with him too. My Fiance is having his step father as his best man and that’s all. He wanted it to be special and they are really close. I’m having 1 Maid/Matron of Honor and 2 bridesmaids, so it’s unbalanced don’t care, we only want those we are super close with in our wedding party, who cares about ‘etiquette’ it’s your guys special day and you should have whoever you want standing next to you!!!!  I say Future Mother-In-Law stay out of it, it isn’t her day it’s yours and your FIs! 

Post # 4
Member
803 posts
Busy bee

I’m assuming you mean FIL’s position would be that of an ordinary groomsman, not an usher greeting people and escorting them to their seats? 

I don’t see why not? Many people don’t have their father’s in their wedding party. How does the father feel? Does he want to be the best man, or is this just Future Mother-In-Law getting in over herself with the etiquette issue? If anything, if I were a parent, I’d be happy that I raised my sons to be so close, that one of them was standing as best man to the other. Fiance says he doesn’t know of any tradition that requires the father to be the best man, since parents already have positions of honor. 

If they feel so strongly about the presence of the father being more known, or honored, then perhaps – his parents can walk him down the aisle as well, and his dad can still be a groomsman. I know that technically it’s supposed to be your dad walking you down the aisle, but you can make new meaningful traditions. His parents are “giving away” their child as well, and I don’t see why the groom’s parents can’t walk him down the aisle in the modern day and age. 

Post # 6
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I read about 3 wedding etiquette books, and I don’t remember seeing anything about the groom’s father having to be best man if he’s in the wedding party. Fiance should pick who he wants, in what role, end of story.

I think you should tell Fiance what’s going on- she really shouldn’t have called you about it. If she had concerns about FI’s decision, she should have addressed that directly with him.

Post # 7
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

She is right, its not correct to have your Father-In-Law as an usher. It would have been nicer if she hadnt spilled the beans but in the end…its a minute, a surprise and then its over.  Boys dont feel the drama the same way as we do.  

I think you are finding drama where there is none.  Say nothing about her “spilling the beans” just find another usher and THANK HER for pointing this out.  Then let it go, really, truly let it go.  Go get a manicure, take a friend to tea, bake a cake, read to an elderly person…you will have so many other real crisis to deal with.  This isnt one.

Post # 9
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

So wait I’m a little confused. Just to make sure the Father-In-Law supposed to be an ordinary groomsman according to the original plan?

I honestly don’t see why your Future Mother-In-Law is so uptight. Most people DO NOT have their father in their bridal party period. How is that against etiquette when it doesn’t even happen that often?

Post # 10
Member
803 posts
Busy bee

I think that if you talked to Fiance about it without first talking to Future Mother-In-Law, she might feel like, why did you bring Fiance into it? You sold me out. 

However, I don’t think that you should hide it from Fiance because if he finds out afterwards, he may feel some betrayal as well. 

Talk to Future Mother-In-Law and suggest that you have a family meeting/dinner since it’s already gotten this far and feelings have gotten hurt. Dad will get a chance to say that he doesn’t want to be the best man. You will all have a chance to discuss etiquette – how most fathers are not in the party, but your husband would like for him to be – and how you can come up with other ways of honoring him instead of being the best man if that’s what Mother-In-Law wants. Brother’s feeling can be soothed, and Fiance can ask brother to be the best man .. face to face. 

It sounds like a sticky situation regardless. I’m sorry that she came to you to deal with it instead of just telling her son. Perhaps she’s hoping that you can make Fiance less angry when he finds out. Or hide it from Fiance so he never finds out. 

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