(Closed) Father In-Law From My Previous Marriage Woes

posted 8 years ago in Money
  • poll: Should I ask my ex-Father-in-Law to help pay for our wedding?

    Don't do that! How rude! Find another way (comment with an idea?)

    He sounds like he'd be happy to help. Just ask him to help pay.

    It's sort of awkward to ask him to pay for it. A loan would be better.

    Don't even bother getting married.

  • Post # 17
    1856 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I mean this very kindly… but you need $4,000 out of your $5,500 budget? You only managed to save $1,500 over 18 months? I understand fixed incomes, life gets in the way, all of that – but that’s a sign to me that you need to reconsider your wedding plans. You’re not looking for a small portion of your budget for an unexpected final payment – you’re hoping to receive what, about 70% of your budget? I would absolutely not ask for the money, loan or not, from your ex-father in law.

    Post # 18
    6109 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I know it’s hard to give all the facts in one post, but are you sitting on $1500 right now, or you’ve only paid $1500 towards wedding things at this point? 

    If there is not any savings left right now (may you do and you’re not touching it), I might have to consider undoing everything, so I could put that money into savings just in case something big happens (sickness, auto accident).  Again, I know we don’t have all the facts, but having nothing in savings, then looking to borrow money which will put you in the hole seems VERY scary to me.

    I apologize if I assumed anything incorrectly.

    Post # 19
    4025 posts
    Honey bee

    View original reply
    @kittyface:  +1

    OP, it is a tough situation, but I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask him for the money. Given you two are unable to cover the majority of your wedding, you should probably reconsider your wedding plans.

    Post # 20
    470 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Maybe get married in a city hall with just immediate family?

    Post # 21
    3206 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    If your budget is $5500, but you’ve only managed to save $1500 of that in 18 months, how do you think you’ll be able to pay off a loan from him? 

    I would never dream of asking for a loan from a friend/family member, but even if that conversation happens to go well, how do you suppose you’ll be able to pay it back when you haven’t even been able to save?


    Post # 22
    7547 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    View original reply
    @sienna76:  Agreed.

    OP, if you’re this strapped for cash I would not have a wedding. Take your 1,500 you have and treat all your guests to a great dinner. You don’t want to have to worry about upsetting the relationship or the possibility that you can’t pay him back. 

    Post # 23
    348 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Absolutely not. You’re asking him to pay for the bulk of your wedding to another man, there’s just no way that’s okay. I think you’d be risking your relationship with him for good if you ask him. 

    If you cannot afford it on your own & are unwilling to take out a personal loan, why not have a smaller wedding? A nice dinner with a few people? It’s a second wedding, so people aren’t expecting a big show.

    Post # 24
    269 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    No you should not ask him for help.  You need to work with what you have.  The strain this can put on your relationship with him is not worth it.

    Post # 25
    136 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I’m of the opinion that you can’t ask him for money.  If he were to offer it, that would have been one thing, but it’s incredibly rude and puts him in an awkward situation if you ask.

    I would scale back somewhere and have the wedding you can afford.  Like a PP said, you can always have a bigger reception or vow renewal in the future.  I don’t agree with going into debt over a luxury like a wedding, so I would avoid that preferably.  IF you feel you must somehow come up with the $4k, please do not put it on a credit card. The interest on that would be so high.  Look for a low interest alternative, such as a home equity line of credit or a low interest personal loan from your bank (NOT a payday loan place – those are outrageous).  Or you could always get a second job to help cover costs.

    That said, you mentioned you have children.  You and your Fiance really need to have an emergency savings fund or line of credit equal to 3-6 months of your gross salary in case something should happen (i.e. job loss) to make sure you can provide for your family during a difficult time.  This would be my priority over having a big wedding.

    Good luck!

    Post # 26
    841 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @lochnessy:  I don’t think it’s ever okay to ask anyone to contribute. It’s your wedding and your responsibility. I am especially of this opinion because it’s your second wedding and you have a child. Not saying your wedding isn’t as important as your first one was, but you’re at a different point in your life now where you have a child and should be totally financially independent. I really don’t recommend asking him.

    Post # 27
    1132 posts
    Bumble bee

    Cant you take a personal loan from a bank? $4000 is not a lot of money to loan. My bank basically begged me to take a loan when i told them about my wedding, i didn’t need one but they were more than willing to.

    Post # 28
    1862 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    View original reply
    @letigre:  +1!

    Post # 29
    2562 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    It would be very inappropriate to ask for money, even a loan, to cover the cost of your wedding to someone else.  If you can’t afford what you have currently planned and will be unable to make up the difference before the day you need to scale everything back.

    Post # 30
    189 posts
    Blushing bee

    View original reply
    @rachelmichelle:  agreed.

    I personally would not ask him for the money. It seems you two have a good relantionship, but asking for money, to me, just seems awkward.

    I hope you make a decision YOU are comfortable with and have a great wedding and marriage.

    Post # 31
    7199 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    View original reply
    @lochnessy:  Eek! Your Ex-FIL sounds awesome but there’s no way I would do this. First, I can’t imagine the position that would put him in with his son. Paying for his son’s exwife to marry someone else? Nope. Second, that is the vast majority of your budget. Let me tell you- my budget will most likely be smaller than yours and I have no problem asking for help if something comes up, but if I can’t afford at least 2/3 of my budget without help, I’m not having that wedding. I know you want to celebrate with everyone, but take a step back and look at what you’re getting yourself into. You have only been able to save $1,500 over 18 months. How exactly will you pay back your ex-FIL? Do you really want that hanging over your head for years? Money can sour relationships so quickly and you don’t want to do that.

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