(Closed) Father Issue

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
578 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think there is nothing wrong with the email you sound light friendly. I understand the dad thing big time. But just be prepared for an answer you might not like or want. I hate to even say that but I was shocked by my dad’s answer and I would rather you be prepared. But all in all I see nothing wrong with that and maybe he just doesn’t have it and doesn’t feel like he can save up for it. I hope it works out sweetie!

Post # 4
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

i think your email is giving him an out on not contributing and i would take out the "i understand that things might be pretty tight financially" bit


Post # 5
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think your email sounds light and friendly but I agree with the above comment, be careful with your feelings on this one and don’t let it ruin your plans or spirit!

Good luck ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 6
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I think you have a smart reason for wanting to e-mail it (ie. wanting it written vs just being a wimp).  Although when you said he was a lawyer, I kind of wondered if he’d simply know better than to word something in an e-mail so that it came off contractually binding.  (And I’m not sure that e-mails would, as I’m not a lawyer.)  But if by chance they do, I wouldn’t expect him to give a real answer via e-mail. And if he said he’d give you $1500, what would you do, if he didn’t end up giving any money to you?

You said the reason why you’d like money is for your dad to show his support, and show that he cares for you.  (I immediately got that impression from your post.)  However you e-mail to him does anything but say that.  It sounds a little too breezy.  I agree with the pp, that it gives him an out.  It sounded more like, "hey, just trying to button this thing up. I’m cool either way."

I’m not sure if I’m too straight forward, but I would actually tell him, that you’d like to know he cares that you’re getting married.  And money is a way for him to show that.  But if money is too tight, it also gives him the opportunity to come up with another way to show you he supports you.  Or at least have a heart to heart that will make both of you feel better.

I don’t know your dad, or your relationship.  But I think if you don’t mention what the money means to you, you both might have a miscommunication  If he doesn’t send money, maybe it’s because he doesn’t have it.  Or maybe he’d think you were trying to just use him for his money.  But then you’d think deep down that he doesn’t really care.  And you both would feel bad for the wrong reasons.  Whether you choose to e-mail or talk in person, I would just be honest with him.


Good luck, EAQ.

Post # 8
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Nothing more.  Just wanted to say I hope you get everyting worked out.  I feel for you.

So sorry.  (Hugs.)

Post # 9
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

This is such a tough situation. I’m sorry this is something that you have to do…it’s almost as if you’re babysitting him and asking him to follow up on his promise to call back. I agree w/ Tanya in that you should be a little more straightforward, but it’s hard to do that without it sounding like you’re only using him for money for your wedding. In the end, I wouldn’t count on him. Send the email definitely, but don’t be disappointed if he comes back and says that he can’t contribute. Sorry again that you’re going through this…we’re definitely here if you want to vent.

Post # 10
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think your email is very to the point. As in, "hey call and let us know, either way", right? I mean, if he can’t, he should let you know. If he does, that’s wonderful and you’ll be gracious.

Maybe because he feels you aren’t that close, he is grappling with whether or not he should help. He may feel obligated to and he may be trying to figure out the most appropriate way to handle this. 

I’d feel the same way if I were you. That this could be the way for you guys to start out on a fresh step, not simply the fact that he’s helping you out monetarily, but the act of helping somebody with their wedding means you are showing your support emotionally.

I hate to say this but I definitely think you need to let him know that you want this to be a fresh start, and Tanya’s right, he MAY feel that you’re just hitting him up for money. Which I know isn’t true, but I think that generation thinks like that. My dad’s kind of like that, and often would threaten to not pay my college tuition that year if i didn’t kiss his butt or wasn’t nice to him 24/7 (besides the previous arrangement that if I kept it under X and got X grades and scholarships he’d throw me a few bones if i worked during the summer to cover living expenses…we’re talking 5K a year tuition). Heaven forbid we disagree about something, right? My dad didn’t contribute to our wedding at all (he doesn’t "believe" in weddings that aren’t eloping to Vegas lol) but he gifted us our honeymoon. Maybe if you specifically gave your dad something to contribute to, versus, the generality of the wedding, that’d help? Maybe if you guys foster a better relationship over the course of the next year, he’ll "gift" you some money to start your new life out together as proof that your relationship has gotten better.

I’d chicken out with a phone conversation, too. Would an email be appropriate? Then you could put your heart out there and if he responds, great. If not, then you have your answer perhaps? Could you ask him to show his support in a different manner if he’s not comfortable/willing/cannot afford to give you money for your wedding? As in "i understand if you cannot contribute, but it’d mean a lot to me if you come" or see about getting together for dinner for him to meet you and your Fiance (if he hasn’t yet).  I definitely see how you feel, though, in that he hasn’t helped out so far in your life, and he should, for lack of better words, "man up" at some point and be supportive. It’s hard to have a one-way relationship in that your heart is in it, but his actions simply may not be there. And not necessarily money-wise. But, in all honesty, offering to help out financially a little bit when you’re a dad means a lot. I’m sure even a few hundred bucks here and there for books would have meant a lot.

EAQ, my heart goes out to you. If you decide to write an email, we’ll help you proof it =]

Post # 11
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I can pretty much relate to your situation! My only question is: are you truely looking for the monetary support, or for him to include himself in the wedding in any way? If its the latter, then I think it may take a heart to heart, even if its through email. Then he can make the decision whether he has the money or not.

For my situation, my father’s girlfriend has offered if I need any help, but I haven’t heard a word from my father – money nor if he can help in any other way. And for my ease of mind, I’ve sort of "let things go" over time and will not ask him for anything. He’s invited to my wedding but will not be "honored" (small wedding, only our mothers will be) nor walking me down the aisle.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do!!

Post # 12
99 posts
Worker bee

This is so tricky!  I also have a cordial but not close relationship with my dad, and am trying to figure out myself how I’ll ask him to contribute.  I know that he didn’t help with my two older half-sisters’ weddings, but I don’t know if they asked.

If he can afford it, he should help.  Don’t feel guilty or nervous (it’s not your fault that he has child support and alimony).  Maybe call him, or have lunch with him if he’s local.  Just say, I’m budgeting for the wedding, I’m contributing X amount, my mother is giving us X, and I was hoping that you would contribute as well; what do you think?  If he goes into a song and dance about tight finances, then tell him he doesn’t have to give you as much as the rest of your family – you would just like to know that he cares and have everyone involved, even if it’s a token amount.

Good luck!  Now I have to try and take my own advice, ugh ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 13
1205 posts
Bumble bee

I think this is a great e-mail.  I would save the more direct approach for a second e-mail if it’s needed.  I feel like if you start there you might put him on the defensive.

Hang in there.  (((HUGS)))

Post # 14
14 posts

I understand that this is a tough situation for you, but I’m not sure that email is the best approach.  You say it’s not about the money, but then that’s all you ask him about.

If I were you, and I had such bad feelings towards my father, I wouldn’t ask a penny from him.  If he offered money, then I’d probably take it, and be secretly thinking "about time", but I wouldn’t go out of my way to ask for it.  You say you want to know if he cares about you getting married, but has he shown that in any other way?  I think the fact that you’re having to chase him up about a contribution is a pretty good sign that you are not the number 1 priority for him at the moment.  I know that’s a horrible thing to say, but he’s clearly not the greatest father in the world, and I don’t think you getting him to give you money will change your opinion as much as you think it will.

If I were you, I’d change my attitude to more of a "screw you" one (or "live and let live", if you want to be more diplomatic ๐Ÿ™‚ )  You and your fiance should go ahead and plan your wedding as you like – if he wants to be involved (not just in a monetary way, in any way), then he can, but I don’t think you should chase him any more than you need to.  It’s his reponsibility to step up, not yours to convince him.

Feel free to send him an email if you like, but I would make it a more open, "would you like to be involved with the planning of the wedding" type email.  After all, I’m assuming some other issues with him might come up along the way (e.g. is he going to walk you down the aisle, is he going to be in the wedding party etc …)

Post # 15
14 posts

Also, I think the issue of whether or not he’s going to contribute to his daughter’s wedding or not should stay between him and your mother.  I think she should be the one to chase him up, not you.

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