(Closed) Father Issues (Please help!)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ugh, sorry to hear this. This must be putting such a damper on the whole wedding process!  🙁

Can your Fiance and you afford the wedding without your parent’s help? If so, definitely go that route. I don’t think you want your dad to have that to hang over your head whenever there’s a disagreement. Money can turn things nasty, quickly.

Secondly, if he doesn’t care about walking you down the aisle, don’t let him! Have your mom walk you. Or walk alone. I mean, you don’t have to make a big deal about it or be mean. When it comes up, just say “Oh, Mom’s going to walk me.” and that’s that.

Good luck.  🙂

Post # 4
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

@Ann26:  That sounds dreadful.  But what exactly is your question – are you wondering if you should invite him to the wedding? Ask them to pay for it?

Post # 5
Member
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think it’s important for you to stand up for yourself but you really should exhaust all your options with yoru dad before writing him off. Especially if you want to keep a relationship with your mother. I’d say you need to have a serious conversation with both your mother and your father and set clear boundaries that you want a good relationship, but your deserve respect. And call him on it when he is being disrespectful. If he can behave civily then that is great and even if you aren’t close you can still function together . If he can’t behave then you may have no choice but to cut off the relationship.

How this all works into the wedding planning depends on your wedding. What are your wedding plans thus far? Are you planning on inviting the rest of your family? I think it would be very awkward to invite your whole family except your dad. And it would probably destroy any remaining relationship you had with him. However, if you’re eloping then you can just not invite anybody, him included. 

Post # 6
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

Okay, from your description of the situation, it does sound like his behavior is rather deplorable. I’m not excusing being a jerk no matter what side of the political spectrum one’s beliefs fall to.

However, I would also point out that one thing that could be making the situation worse would be that your post indicates that you want to throw out some traditions he might consider a sign of respect while still expecting to follow other traditions that put him on the hook. For example, you said your Fiance didn’t ask for his blessing. Many couples do this not because they view it as a property issue, but because they realize that merging two families is something that impacts more than just the couple. Clearly, that kind of family outreach was important to him and you guys willing chose to ignore him on it. But then you expect him to pay for a bigger percentage of your wedding than your brother’s wedding just because you’re a girl? That doesn’t seem to mesh with the ideas you presented on why your partner didn’t feel the need to seek the blessings of your parents.

To be honest, I could never imagine a situation where I would ask my mother for more than what she gave to my brother for his wedding.  Actually, I would never expect my mother to pay for any part of it just because she helped my brother. I certainly would never have that expectation if I willfully ignored something as simple as a courtesy phone call or outreach to start the conversation about merging families that was important to her.

Basically, while I can agree that it sounds like he’s not behaving well, I also think it sounds like you want it all – to disregard things that might be important to him because you are still his little girl (at least in his mind) while expecting him to give you more fun money than your brother just because you’re a girl.

My advice is to go ahead and take all the responsibility of being independent, especially if you are planning on cutting him out of your life in the future. Pay for the wedding yourself and don’t accept one penny from your parents. You didn’t want them involved in their growing family at the beginning, so don’t expect them to fork over the cash for the party to celebrate it. Walk yourself down the aisle so you don’t have to worry about your dad. Be civil and polite, but be a bigger person than him in not starting family arguments over the things you disagree with in life. It sounds like you’ve already largely cut him out of your future, don’t expect him to hop on board and love it while funding it.

Post # 9
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Since money has been offered (and as you said, you didn’t ask for it, it was volunteered), can you get anything upfront, or is their (I suppose we have to say “his”) plan to dole it out as he sees “fit?”

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