Post # 1
Hi everybody! First time poster here. I’m in need of some advice as to how to breech the subject of marriage. I’m 30. Boyfriend or Best Friend is 34.
My relationship with my boyfriend certainely did not start in a conventional way, and it has stirred up lots of insecuritues for me personally. When we started casually dating 2 years ago, he made it clear he was not interested in “commitment”. To make a long story short, he was in a long term relationship in his twenties that ended badly and he swore of relationships moving forward. We had something very special right off the bat and the next 9 months of our “dating” was a whirlwind of getting very close and him pulling back. I found out I was pregnant and he did a total 180. He has been nothing but commited, supportive and an all around great partner since. I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship and he is an amazing step father to him as well as a steller dad to our baby. We have been living together since I was pregnant, and aside from my own insecurites stemming from his lack of commitment prior to my pregnancy, we have a really great relationship. He tells me he loves me daily and his actions show it consistantly.
Due to our rocky start (which he jokes about and says “maybe our story didn’t start as a fairytale but it’s ending as one”) I have never brought up the idea of getting married. My insecurities scream that if commitment scared him before and he wasn’t willing to even call me his girlfriend before I was pregnant that clearly the idea of getting marriage would scare him.
But, over the last few months, I find him making a lot of joking comments pertaining to marriage. For example, I was watching Say Yes To The Dress and made a remark at how expensive some of the gowns were and he said “You could put your gown on my credit card babe.” Another time, when I was asking why his Mother did not change her last name when she was married to his Father, he said “You wouldn’t have to change your name to mine. I wouldn’t mind if you kept yours.” Whenever someone mistakingly refers to him as my Husband he chuckels and says “Oooo your HUSBAND!” I could continue to list things, but you get the idea.
Every time he jokes about it, I freeze up and just laugh it off because I don’t exactly understand what he’s doing. Because of the way we started, I don’t exactly want to have to sit him down and TELL him marriage is something I would like in the future. It would do a lot for me security wise to have him come to that conclusion on his own. But, at the same time, I know men are not mind readers and since we have never brought it up I can’t expect him to know it is something I would like. He has said multiple times that he views me as his “spouse” and is always talking about the future, but has never brought it up.
What’s a girl to do?
Post # 2
Have a straightforward conversation. He’s not a wounded dove you need to gently cradle and tip toe around in fear of him flying away. And if he does regress because you brought up marriage then that is an excellent thing to know now rather than later.
Post # 3
Sit down and have a conversation. There are also two kids involved. Before you sit with him though, be clear about your feelings, what if he does not want to get married? R u satisfied with the relationship or would you move on? What’s important to you?
Post # 4
I don’t exactly want to have to sit him down and TELL him marriage is something I would like in the future
Well this is exactly how adults behave. Be an adult, have an adult conversation, about this adult topic.
Post # 5
Just ask him, reading into off the cuff comments will get you absolutely nowhere!
Because of the way we started, I don’t exactly want to have to sit him down and TELL him marriage is something I would like in the future.
He isn’t a mind reader, he isn’t going to automatically know you want marriage given you have a slightly alternative relationship path.
Post # 6
I swing back and forth between feeling as if he already *acts* like a husband, and that a peice of paper wouldn’t change anything and really is irrelevant. At the same time, I also would like to share the family name and offer our children the security of married parents.
The insecure part of me worries he’s only in this because of the baby and being married would lock him into something he never wanted in the first place. Although, chosing to have a baby with someone in and of itself IS a commitment I sometimes think is larger than marriage.
I think I’m scared of his reaction when I bring it up. I don’t think it’s a deal breaker for me, but I think it would mess with me.
Post # 7
Bee, I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you made a choice to bring a CHILD into a situation in which a man was already saying NO RELATIONSHIPS. NO COMMITMENT. For all you know, he could’ve gotten one whiff of pregnancy and run off into the sunset alone. But THAT didn’t scare you apparently. Now you’re afraid to sit down and have a discussion with your coparent about marriage? You weren’t afraid that your child might not have a father, but you’re afraid for your wounded ego and emotions that he might not want to marry you? Ohhhhh, boy. Get brave and talk to him.
Post # 8
Once you scramble your DNA with someone else’s to create a whole-ass new person, you have no room to be coy.
Post # 9
Post # 10
missmanic : I don’t exactly want to have to sit him down and TELL him marriage is something I would like in the future. It would do a lot for me security wise to have him come to that conclusion on his own.
Well, it appears that for all he “jokes” about it, he’s not that moved to actually put the wheels in motion to make it happen, which would suggest to me that getting married is not a priority for him right now. And it may never be. So I think you’re going to have to tell him you want to get married and see what he says. And if his answer is vague or he comes up with excuses, you will have another decision to make.
Post # 11
From what you have said it doesn’t sound like he is opposed to the idea, a conversation will go a long way but don’t bring up the fact he was so against it in the beginning. Just point blank ask if he sees another step in making it a legal family, with 2 kids in the picture there are more reasons to actually be married now.
Post # 12
What are you afraid of? Scaring him off? Pressuring him? Either way that’s ridiculous. You have a child and have lived together since his birth. Time to be honest about your needs and stop pussyfooting around.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
Bee, just straight up ask him if he thinks he’d want to get married someday. He’s clearly changed his mind about relationships and commitment since the beginning, so you holding onto how he used to be isnt doing you any favors! I have never heard a guy who was opposed to marriage talk about buying your wedding dress or changing your last name… usually they avoid the topic entirely. The only way you’ll know is to ask. Don’t let it drag out until you’re resentful and angry. Better to know and adjust your expectations than sit and wonder what your life will look like in 10 years….
Post # 14
sunburn : I think I AM afraid of pressuring him. Ideally, we would be on the same page. If he’s against it totally, I see the conversation going in the direction of me pointing out my point of view and “convincing” him.
It’s how most of our serious discussions go. For a silly example, if I think it would be best to paint the house blue, and he’s inititally against it, once I explain my reasoning he will usually get on board.
Post # 15
missmanic : Then instead of presenting him with your idea of what life should be like, ask him to explain his thoughts to youfirst.
“BF, I’d like to ask you a serious question. What are your feelings on marriage?” And see what happens. If he hedges at all, you know you’ll have to be direct. But give him a chance to put himself out there first.