Father of my child and I have never discussed marriage. Help!

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
4620 posts
Honey bee

missmanic :  OK, so just tell yourself that this isn’t any different. A frank discussion never hurt a relationship unless that relationship had big issues already.

Post # 17
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee

If he’s originally against a blue house and changes his mind and loves it, that doesn’t make your blue house unwanted. 

Honestly, you are being ridiculous. 

If he’s so great, maybe give him a little credit. By not saying anything you are actually showing that you don’t think well enough of him to have an adult conversation. 

Post # 18
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

missmanic :  well, if he usually gets on board when something is important to you, that sounds pretty good to me.

My now-husband is that way too. We started trying for a baby before we were engaged (we were both relatively recently divorced and not in a hurry for marriage again, but in a hurry for kids because we are older). I got pregnant quickly and after a while, I realized I wanted to be married when the baby came. As time ticked on, eventually I told him this. For some reason, he had thought I wanted to wait (maybe not being pregnant for a wedding, or something?). Anyway, when he realized I wanted to be married and it was important to me, he was all about it. We eloped and now we have a really great marriage. 

hopefully something similar would happen for you guys. I don’t think he’d be “joking” about it like he is, if he were scared of marriage to you. 

Post # 19
Member
1255 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like he is actually dropping a few hints. Is he worried or nervous that you may say no and is testing the waters? If I was in his shoes and saw you laughing off my comments then I would be wondering why and how you really felt. I know, I know, he should just ask.

It is time to be clear with what you want.  He doesn’t sound like he is being cruel or taunting you so I would have the convo with him right now. Tell him that you have noticed recently that he is bringing up the idea of being married ( offering to buy a dress/ name change etc). Ask him if his idea of being married has changed since you first met. Put it plainly. You are in a happy relationship with a child and you want to discuss your future together.

Post # 20
Member
6530 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

missmanic :  “I love you and I love the life we’ve created together, despite our unconventional path to happily ever after, as you’ve called it. I have been noticing your comments about marriage as it relates to us, and I like them, but I realized I don’t actually know where you stand on the matter. I’d like to talk about it and I also want you to know that I would be happy to marry you. What’s a good time for us to chat?”

Has it ever occured to you that he might be feeling you out since he knows he clearly stated his resistance to commitment before you got pregnant and now your insecurity is coming across as aloofness? I’m not saying that that is what is going on here, but remaining in limbo serves no one here. Your son gets more attached to him, the two of you get more intertwined and the lack of clarity just wears on you.

Post # 21
Member
848 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

missmanic :  You really answered your own question in the last paragraph when you wrote: 

“Because of the way we started, I don’t exactly want to have to sit him down and TELL him marriage is something I would like in the future. It would do a lot for me security wise to have him come to that conclusion on his own. But, at the same time, I know men are not mind readers and since we have never brought it up I can’t expect him to know it is something I would like.”

There’s no way for this relationship to progress without straightforward communication. And you should not feel afraid for asking for commitment from someone you live with and share a child with. 

Post # 22
Member
1423 posts
Bumble bee

Don’t ask us- ask HIM.

Seriously- talk to the guy. You had a baby with him for Pete’s sake. You should be able to handle a conversation about the future 

There’s no other way around it. You can’t make him read your mind 

Post # 23
Member
12528 posts
Honey Beekeeper

His comments certainly make it sound as if he’s past the phobia. I’d reply that being married to him would mean the world and make you very happy. Then on a serious note ask to discuss the subject. 

Post # 24
Member
11140 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

missmanic :  

Hints are for children, Bee.

You’re grownup enough to have a child together, but you can’t handle an adult conversation about your *shared* future?

Post # 25
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, either his 180 was genuine, or it wasn’t, and time is no longer the difference. I get it — I’ve been in relationships before where the guy sort of hemmed and hawed in the beginning, and then suddenly switch flipped on me  and were super committed(not because of pregnancy though), so I get the instinct of “just let it be, with time he’ll come around”.  

But it’s not good for you to be in a relationship where you can’t express your needs in fear of scaring him off. I also doubt your relationship is so fragile that if you bring it up once he’ll skedaddle forever. So give it a shot and see how he responds, and then regroup from there. 

Post # 26
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

Girl…when now-DH and I went in our first date, we both explicitly told each other neither of us were looking for a commitment and definitely not looking for marriage. I flat told him if he was looking to get married, I wasn’t the girl for him. 

A month a half later, after realizing I was falling for him, I put my heart on my sleeve and had a talk with him about not wanting to see other people anymore. Guess what? He felt the same way. 

A year after that, I realized I really wanted to marry him. So, with a bit of liquid courage (not gonna lie – it was a lot of liquid courage) I told him I wanted to marry him. Guess what? He felt the same way. 

If you don’t take adult risks, you don’t get adult rewards. You two have a child together – you don’t get to play junior high games anymore. Say something to him. You could be happily surprised by his response. 

Post # 27
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

You can’t have it both ways. You can’t sit around hoping to be surprised with a proposal and also know it is coming. 

If you are afraid to ask him what his expectations are for your relationship in the long run, even after living together and having children… then you have other problems

Post # 28
Member
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

It sounds like he’s hinting to me. Your first babies daddy didn’t marry you so perhaps he thinks you are not interested in marriage? Agree with ppl, talk to him directly like an adult. 

Post # 29
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

34 and still reeling from a long relationship in his early 20’s!?! That’s a ridiculous excuse. Put on your big girl panties and have it out. 

Post # 30
Member
6530 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

mrstodd2bee :  The term “baby daddy” is disrespectful and diminishing (as I’m sure you intended it to be). OP did not refer to the fathers of either of her children in that way and you shouldn’t, either.

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