(Closed) Father refuses to help pay for wedding

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 34
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@futuretrent: It seems like you have deeper issues with him than him not helping pay for your wedding/school etc..  Perhaps if you work on those everything else will fall in to place

Also, nobody said it was acceptable for you or anyone to have a “shitty father” … nobody. 

For what its worth I agree with most of the PPs that he is not obligated (blood or otherwise) to pay for your financial commitments 

Post # 35
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I agree with  @CanadianMermaid.

It sounds to me like him not spending money on you isn’t anything new– if you think he doesn’t want to be in your life, why not pay for the wedding yourself and walk down the aisle yourself? 

Post # 36
Member
4831 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@futuretrent: She didn’t call you a brat, she said “if you try to sway him you will look like a brat.”

I have to agree with PPs, it does suck when your parent’s don’t come through for you like you hoped they would, but they are in no way required to give you any money for your wedding.

I’d say just make sure you and your Fiance can afford the wedding you are planning and if by some miracle he decides to change his mind, then that’s just icing on the cake. 

 ETA: It sucks that he hasn’t been there for you, but that doesn’t make him obligated to pay for your wedding. Truth is, as much as it sucks, it’s his money and he can do what he wants with it. It’s sad that he doesn’t want to help his daughter with that money, but he’s not required to.

Post # 37
Member
3765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My dad isn’t paying for my wedding.  I don’t think he’s a shittty father. 

Post # 38
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee

There’s a huge difference between being there for you and being obligated to give you money. Trust me, I’m right there with you on having issues of abandonment and neglect – I had to deal with that from both my biological father AND the man who raised me. It sucks, and it can be even harder to watch them devote attention, time and money to another person when they’ve never given you that same affection.

But nobody here said it’s “perfectly fine” for you to have a “shitty father”. They were simply responding to your question: there is no acceptable way to persuade or push someone into giving you money. He is not obligated, even if it would be very nice of him if he would. Nobody is obligated to pay for the things you want except you. The PP in this thread have mostly been helpful, kind and considerate of your feelings – it’s not very nice to insult them all and put words in their mouths.

Post # 39
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee

So it sounds like you only want him for his money, considering what you’ve said about him. He probably knows it too, so little wonder he isn’t offering you anything. I wouldn’t either if you hated me so much.

Post # 40
Member
5191 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

If it’s the $$ that is the issue, there is no way to change his mind. he is not obligated to financially assist you. You are an adult and you are making a very adult decision to get married. It’s time to be financially independent.

But this sounds like it’s about more than $$. The truth is, sometimes parents are selfish. Sometimes they put their own wants and whims and “new” lives ahead of their children and their “old” lives. It hurts a lot, and that pain will linger. However, you are in control of your own emotions. You can let the hurt and anger hang over you and cast a very dark shadow on your wedding planning process, or you can choose to address those feelings and move on with your life, including your wedding planning. You are the only person who can make that choice, so don’t give him the power to make this happy time into something less than positive. And if you need a counselor or someone to talk to that will help you work through these feelings, do it now. Don;t wait.

Post # 41
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think on the type of wedding you are having, you really don’t need help from anyone else 🙂

Post # 42
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@futuretrent: I’m not sure if there are more underlying issues, but in reference to money alone, I don’t think “not giving you free money” counts as “not being involved,” considering there are MANY Bees here who have put themselves through college and gotten married without any help. You say he should “be there” for his daughter… is he planning on physically being there? Then he is “being there” or you, and if not, then that’s completely different than a money issue.

ETA: By coincidence I stumbled upon your post in another thread, you said your dad was abusive and you can’t wait for him to be out of your life… so why would you want him to help with the wedding if you’re trying to cut him out of your life anyway? Just an honest question.

Post # 43
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee

@futuretrent: How is everyone thinking that your father is a shitty dad? And that he gets to do whatever his wife wants him to do? And how did he refuse to have anything to do with your life? Because he doesn’t want to pay for your wedding and didn’t pay for your college? Is that how we measure fatherhood nowadays? You are old enough, at least you are out of college. Honestly, put on your big girl panties and go throw your own wedding. It’s his money, he worked for it and he can do with it what he wants. Now, if he comes to you with a guest list and wants an open bar etc yet won’t contribute, THEN there will be problems. As it is, you have a guestlist of 10 ppl. I’m sure you and your Fiance can come up with someone. Also, why don’t you ask your FI’s parents to help….Lastly, what exactly do you want from us? Ideas on how to sway him to loosen the pursestrings??

Post # 44
Member
4081 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Many parents don’t pay for weddings, because they cannot or they don’t feel they should. My husband and I paid for most of our wedding (grandfather offered some financial help). We didn’t expect any help from anybody. Based on your most recent post, I think the financial aspect is trivial. I think the fact that you called him a shitty father means there are greater issues that need to be addressed.

Post # 45
Member
7321 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@futuretrent: You literally said minutes ago that he was abusive your whole life and you can’t wait to be done with him. So why are you upset/surprised now that he’s not paying for your wedding? And why are you getting upset at people for pointing that out based on the information YOU provided? I’m sorry you’ve had a bad experience with your father, many of us do, but that doesn’t usually lead to unrealistic expectations later in life. My father didn’t put a penny into my wedding, and after 23 years of neglect I didn’t expect him to.

Post # 46
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@futuretrent:  I didnt call you a brat, i said you would look ike one if you kept trying to pressure your father into paying for your weddding. I hope calling me a bitch made you feel better, because it certianly did not make you look mature. Clearly, you have some issues so im not going to argue with you, but I am going to wish you luck with your wedding.

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