(Closed) Father refuses to help pay for wedding

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 47
Member
9971 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Like other people have said… if you can’t afford it yourself and your parents are unable/unwilling to help, don’t do it.  In this modern time, it’s not fair to put all the burden on your parents and expect them to pay for your wedding.  It’s incredibly generous if they offer, but it’s very rude of you to keep asking him and look for ways to make him contribute.  It’s his choice if he wants to help, and he chose not to.

Further, his remarriage shortly after your parents divorced really has no bearing on this.  It doesn’t matter if your parents are together/divorced/remarried; if they don’t want to pay, they don’t want to pay. 

It’s unfortunate you and your father have issues, but depending on him for money and calling him a “shitty father” because of it really isn’t helping the situation.  If you say things like that to him or act like you’re entitled to him financially supporting these things, maybe he resents you for that. 

Post # 48
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@julies1949:

Agreed. You sound hurt by his action. If he doesnt want to pay then he wont. Im a very proud person so if my family didnt offer to pay up I won’t ask. I hope more importantly that you can mend your relationship with him. Good luck!

Post # 49
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

Okay, I didn’t read all the comments, but I have to say I somewhat see your point.  I know that you just came on here to vent about the situation, so I am sure you are being judged for raw feelings as to this matter.

It is so difficult to watch a parent dote on a new spouse and feel left behind- both emotionally and financially.  College is insanely expensive these days, as are weddings, but I can see how it would be hurtful that there is all the money in the world for his new wife, while he does not try to contribute to your day- however small the affair might  be.

I recognize the argument that if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to foot all of your bills, and I agree with that, but it is an amazing feeling when a parent steps up and helps with a little support- both financial and emotional support- on your day.

My Dad has always told me that families should support each other and lift each other up.  I wish your Dad was always the same for you.  I will say my Dad cannot afford to foot college or most of my wedding- but he has tried to be involved- calling and emailing my venue when they tried to move us out due to construction, helping to pay for a wonderful photographer so we would have wonderful memories with the family.  It wasn’t a million bucks, but it was nice to know he supported my decision to get married and wanted to be a part of it.

I don’t have very good advice in dealing with this, as I do not know the dynamic with your Dad.  I do know my Dad would be riddled with guilt if he just showed up to the party and did not participate in throwing it.

Good luck dear!  Also, this might be unpopular, but with a wedding so small, you should wish to be surrounded by the people who love and support you.  If you have never felt that way about your Dad and his new wife, I suggest cutting some costs by not inviting them.  There is no point for you to feel animosity on your day.

Post # 50
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

you hate your father, don’t want a relationship with him, and consider him abusive… and yet you want his money.  THAAAAAATS not how it works hun. I hope you are getting some counseling for what has obviously been a traumatic relationship for you.  Getting his money should be the LAST thing on your mind…   best wishes.

Post # 51
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Darn my dead dad for not being around tp pay for my wedding!!

Seriously though, parents aren’t required to pony up cash just because their child is getting married. Plan the wedding you can afford. If a parent offers money, then that’s great, but if they don’t, they don’t. You can’t force them to. Good luck!

Post # 52
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

@dashwoodgirl:  I really really like this and totally agree!

 

Make it easy on yourself OP, if your dad sucks, don’t invite him.  He doesn’t have to pay, and while traditionally, he would pay, these days he isn’t required to.  I really hope things work out with your wedding, and I hope you get the counseling and help you need to heal and move on with your life and relationship with your father in a healthy way.  Good luck!

Post # 53
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Having my parents help out with paying the wedding wasn’t even a thought. We sat down and figured out what kind of wedding we wanted, how much it would cost, and then figured out how long it would take for us to save for it. Thus a year out is where we put the date. I think growing up we have it drilled in to our heads that our parents will pay for things like college, weddings, etc… but the reality is that often times those scenario’s aren’t feasible for where our parents are at in there lives when those things roll around. My father and I had a serious talk over Thanksgiving where he showed deep regret for not being able to help out with the wedding because his own wedding had been paid for in full by his in laws but unfortunately he is just not in a position in life right now to help out and we completely understand. Would we love it if he could? Of course, but we don’t begrudge him for not and we’re both employed adults who know how to plan a wedding within our means. I hope you find peace with your situation and with your relationship with your dad. 

Post # 54
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

So if he’s such a terrible father, why would you want anything to do with him?

Nobody is obligated to give you money. It’s nice when they do, but as adults our weddings are our own responsibility.

Post # 55
Member
1727 posts
Bumble bee

@Diamondadozen:  I am going to have to agree here and add this was the same for the sister’s wedding and will be the same for mine.

Post # 56
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I have not received a dime from my parents for anything since I was 18 years old and I am now 30. I guess Im use to it so even though they said they would help (very little I am sure), I would not want their help. I am a grown woman and if I want something, I should be able to get it for myself. I know SO many people who have parents that hold things over their head (I paid for your college, wedding, down payment etc) and I dont like the idea of things being thrown in my face. He seems like he is not interested and even if you somehow convinced him or forced him to pay, I have a feeling that you would never hear the end of it. Do you really want that held over your head?

Post # 57
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

when my Fiance and i got engaged we were planning to pay for it ourselves, as it was our decision to get married, since announcing our engagement to the family, his parents have both offered to help with the wedding, my mother also did, but my father said that he wouldnt be getting involved with it as he considered this to be a “mug’s game”

although he did say that if i had his STEP daughter as a bridesmaid that he would pay for her dress.

so he wont help with his only biological daughter, but is more than willing to pay for his wifes daughter.

My attitude is, i dont really care!

its his decision on what he does with his finances, not mine, and in a way, im pleased he doesnt want to contribute, because then i wont be in his debt for anything. Also, if he is coming to our wedding as a guest, then he surely cant be expecting anything other than to be treated as a guest, he shall not be walking me down the aisle, or sitting at the top table (this is not a decision made on the basis that he isnt contributing, i have never wanted him to walk my down the aisle etc)

at the end of the day, Im marrying my man, and we will be mainly funding our wedding ourselves, and are extremely greatful to his parents and my mum for their offers of helping us out.

dont let it get you down love. at the end of your wedding day, you’ll be married to your man, and youll have done it together. you wont have any regrets, your dad may do.

Post # 58
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

honestly, its 2012, i dont think parents really “need” to pay for the wedding.

Post # 59
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

It is your responsibility to pay for your wedding, no one else’s.

Post # 61
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@futuretrent:  that is just down right rude for him to refuse to pay for colllege.  I do believe he should foot the bill for some of the wedding.  I convinced mine to pay for pictures finally.  

View original reply
@ItWasntMe:  sounds to me like she just wants him to support her a little since he hasn’t at all for anything else

Post # 62
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

He is not obligated to pay anything to your wedding.  When fathers (or parents) want to, it’s wonderful and generous.  But it’s not a given.

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