Post # 1
Hi everyone! I decided to create my username and post on here for the first time because i need a form to vent and maybe some advice. My husband and I recently got married a year ago on January… We’ve known each other for three years and he decided to propose and ofocurse i was very happy. I honestly feel he is the love of my life and he is just so important to me. I’ll give you guys a bit of a back story, we are fairly young (24). When he met me my father and mother were still togther and after 20 + years of dealing with my father’s miserable attitude my mom gave it quits.
My father has never been the father i wish i had, he never showed a smudge of love to me. There were times where i would cry to my mother in my younger teen years, but to no avail. He was mean and oppressive, and also emotinally abusive both to my mother and I. I’ll give you guys a little example, all my life my father has said I love you about two times… and forced because my mother brought it up. He would ignore me when i was in the home and wouldn’t even acknowldge me giving me the cold shoulder, making me feel like nothing. It was just not normal living so many years where I felt he was more of a “step” father than a real one. Even worse he would scream until he got his way, if the food wasn’t done at the time he came from work all he** would break loose. By The Way he is a hispanic man with diabetes.
My husband at the time would recognize the abuse and mention it to me. Moving forward , my mother finally gave up after many years a decision which i supported. That’s when things hit rock bottom for my manipulating father, he used tactics such as guilt for her to take him back. He stopped taking care of his sugar levels, he lost his job, I felt almost bad for him. He was and is an abyssal of negative energy. Today he hasn’t found a stable job, his health is diteriating, and my guilt is killing me. I feel I will have to take him in with my husband since he will most likely be out of his apartment (no money left).
Part of me knows all these years he was the problem and not myself, and that bringing him into our home would break my new marriage (my husband says to cut him off). But another part of me has tremendous guilt for some reason, looking at my father in this state. And although brief there are some moments I actually feel he might love me… And honestly although he was like this i do love him in my own way and care for his well being. I also should mention his father was schiztofrenic, and some days i want to tell myself my father may also not be mentally stable. However, my husband tells me to just cut him off and that he is ruining my well being. I’m stuck because i recieve no support anywhere (mother lives with her new bf and is trying to move on) (husband tells me that I am letting this happen to myself since i cant seem to cut him off). And i just feel so alone in everything like I have to find sulotions and keep my stuff together at the same time, I always dealt with anxiety but at this point in my life with school work and home life I just feel Im about to loose myself.
Thanks for hearing me out and sorry for alllllll the venting, it’s just I feel so stuck, i feel young yet I’m dealing with so much.
Post # 2
Listen to your husband. Your father is not your responsibility. Enjoy your married life and stop stressing about a grown mans problems.
Post # 3
Your father is not your responsibility, nor are you responsible for his own life decisions. He’s never given you a reason to care about him, why should you start now? I agree that going no-contact is probably the best way forward for your own peace of mind. While my own situation with my father is pretty unique, I see a lot of parallels with your overall treatment growing up and his attitude towards your family. I haven’t contacted my father since 2016 and I don’t regret it for a minute. He made his own choices and now gets to live with them.
Post # 4
If you need help to stay strong and not take on responsibility for your father’s poor decisions, I suggest you see a therapist. Just a few sessions can help sort things out for you.
Post # 5
gwendolyn22 : What does your father being Hispanic have to do with this unfortunate situation?
Post # 6
gwendolyn22 : Or the diabetes?
Post # 7
If you want to remain married you should never let your dad in the front door. Ever.
Post # 8
gwendolyn22 : Sweetie, keep repeating this to yourself:
- I did not cause this. It’s not my fault. I can not fix it.
If you take him in, he will be no better off and you will be MUCH worse off. Don’t do it. Taking him in will hurt you, your husband, and your mom. Why should all 3 of you be miserable because of one person’s choices? You shouldn’t. You didn’t cause it, it’s not your fault, and you can’t fix it. See a therapist to help you get over the guilt. Best wishes.
Post # 9
What everyone said. But be prepared that people who don’t know your story will judge you, and you will feel defensive, and the guilt will come back. Just remember that it’s none of their business. You deserve better. <3
Post # 10
Please talk to a therapist. Do not allow your father to ruin your marriage. Choose your husband, your happiness, and YOURSELF over this selfish, manipulative, and abusive man.
Post # 11
bywater : I think she mentioned the diabetes because later she said he’s not monitoring his sugar levels, letting himself get sick.
But OP, that’s HIS choice. You don’t have to bear even more of the brunt of his actions. He’s making his bed and he can lie in it.
Post # 12
I can imagine how difficult this is for you, but I aggree with PPs. You have to put your family first, and ultimately the only one who can help your dad is himself. He’s not going to change and become the father you always wanted just because you take him in, and in the meanwhile your marriage will suffer. Sorry Bee, but it’s not worth it.
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
You are not responsible for your father. If you want your marriage to last, please don’t take him in, because the little you’ve said about your husband’s thoughts on the issue would lead me to believe that if you take him in, your marriage will not survive. Your father has brought this on himself and it’s not your job to fix it.
Post # 14
Rather than letting your father move into your home (basically, telling your husband that you don’t want to be married anymore), you need to go to a therapist. Your father’s behavior is no different from someone calling up an ex and threatening to kill themselves- the proper response is not to give it to their manipulation, it’s to seek the support of someone with the skillset to deal with the situation. YOU are not equipped to handle your father’s issues.
I would ABSOLUTELY divorce my spouse if they tried to move their abusive parent into my home because their “guilt” (which is actually just the emotional tangle of the damage your father has done to you) was bigger than their need and desire to heal. I would put them out and start divorce proceedings immediately.
Do your healing work- your father already spent 20+ years harming you and your mother- don’t give him time or space to continue with you. Your mother should seek therapy, too, but even if she doesn’t- you can.
Post # 15
Your father sounds horrible and I’m sad for you but why would you say his behaviour made him seem like a ‘step’ dad??
My husband is a far better father to his stepchildren than their biological father.
You should rethink your wording.