father ruining my life and marriage

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Listen to your husband. Your father is not your responsibility. Enjoy your married life and stop stressing about a grown mans problems. 

Post # 3
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Your father is not your responsibility, nor are you responsible for his own life decisions. He’s never given you a reason to care about him, why should you start now? I agree that going no-contact is probably the best way forward for your own peace of mind. While my own situation with my father is pretty unique, I see a lot of parallels with your overall treatment growing up and his attitude towards your family. I haven’t contacted my father since 2016 and I don’t regret it for a minute. He made his own choices and now gets to live with them.

Post # 4
47187 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you need help to stay strong and not take on responsibility for your father’s poor decisions, I suggest you see a therapist. Just a few sessions can help sort things out for you.

Post # 5
3043 posts
Sugar bee

gwendolyn22 :  What does your father being Hispanic have to do with this unfortunate situation?

Post # 7
1309 posts
Bumble bee

If you want to remain married you should never let your dad in the front door. Ever.

Post # 8
8832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

gwendolyn22 :  Sweetie, keep repeating this to yourself:

  • I did not cause this. It’s not my fault. I can not fix it.

If you take him in, he will be no better off and you will be MUCH worse off. Don’t do it. Taking him in will hurt you, your husband, and your mom. Why should all 3 of you be miserable because of one person’s choices? You shouldn’t. You didn’t cause it, it’s not your fault, and you can’t fix it. See a therapist to help you get over the guilt. Best wishes.

Post # 9
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

What everyone said. But be prepared that people who don’t know your story will judge you, and you will feel defensive, and the guilt will come back. Just remember that it’s none of their business. You deserve better. <3 

Post # 10
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Please talk to a therapist. Do not allow your father to ruin your marriage. Choose your husband, your happiness, and YOURSELF over this selfish, manipulative, and abusive man. 

Post # 11
648 posts
Busy bee

bywater :  I think she mentioned the diabetes because later she said he’s not monitoring his sugar levels, letting himself get sick. 

But OP, that’s HIS choice. You don’t have to bear even more of the brunt of his actions. He’s making his bed and he can lie in it. 

Post # 12
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I can imagine how difficult this is for you, but I aggree with PPs. You have to put your family first, and ultimately the only one who can help your dad is himself. He’s not going to change and become the father you always wanted just because you take him in, and in the meanwhile your marriage will suffer. Sorry Bee, but it’s not worth it.

Post # 13
2705 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You are not responsible for your father.  If you want your marriage to last, please don’t take him in, because the little you’ve said about your husband’s thoughts on the issue would lead me to believe that if you take him in, your marriage will not survive.  Your father has brought this on himself and it’s not your job to fix it.

Post # 14
6158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Rather than letting your father move into your home (basically, telling your husband that you don’t want to be married anymore), you need to go to a therapist. Your father’s behavior is no different from someone calling up an ex and threatening to kill themselves- the proper response is not to give it to their manipulation, it’s to seek the support of someone with the skillset to deal with the situation. YOU are not equipped to handle your father’s issues.

I would ABSOLUTELY divorce my spouse if they tried to move their abusive parent into my home because their “guilt” (which is actually just the emotional tangle of the damage your father has done to you) was bigger than their need and desire to heal. I would put them out and start divorce proceedings immediately.

Do your healing work- your father already spent 20+ years harming you and your mother- don’t give him time or space to continue with you. Your mother should seek therapy, too, but even if she doesn’t- you can.

Post # 15
457 posts
Helper bee

Your father sounds horrible and I’m sad for you but why would you say his behaviour made him seem like a ‘step’ dad??

My husband is a far better father to his stepchildren than their biological father.

You should rethink your wording.

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