father ruining my life and marriage

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
1610 posts
Bumble bee

gwendolyn22 :  First off, your husband is only trying to look out for you and he knows that if he comes back into your life your father will only ruin what you have together and your life. He sounds like he only wants what is best for you and doesn’t want to see you go down that road. 

Secondly. There is no way that letting him back in and into your accommodations will have a positive note on you. Did he suggest to coming to live with you? Because this sounds a little bit manipulative and him trying to worm his way back in. And even if it isn’t his suggestion, he is well aware then that he can manipulate any situation once in there to his advantage. He also sounds like he has controlling issues and this would be shown largely if he was to live with you again. And by the looks of it he doesn’t really care how you will feel from all this, which is not okay. So essentially you will be paying for him totally while he calls the shots on everything in your life, all the while he can’t even show you any care. 

You don’t have to just leave him in the situation, if you really want to help him out… help him in other ways. Find places he could stay, organisations who would help and help him find a job. If he refuses all this then that is him not wanting to help himself and he just wants to get back into a situation that is ‘ideal’ for him. And I wouldn’t put up with that. 

Post # 17
1644 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

gwendolyn22 :  Let me get this straight, you’re considering making a unilateral decision to move your grown ass, not self responsibility taking, manipulative, cruel father into your home all in the hopes of seeing a “speck” of love from him when you already know that once he gets in he’s going to revert right back to the behaviors you grew up with….do I have that right?no?

2. Things bee.  First, how do YOU get to be the sole decision maker in this scenario?  Are you saying your husband, who also lives in your home, does not get a say?  What if he unilaterally says no what then?

3. Second, your title is completely misleading.  Your father isn’t ruining your life and marriage.  That would be YOU bee.  See dad is being dad, he was always like this and you are fully aware of it. The ruining part comes in when YOU make a unilateral decision that you are 100% aware will cripple and destroy your marriage.  See how I did that?  Took dad out of the equation and it still equals you ruining your life….for misguided guilt.

Gonna add a third and suggest you get your butt into therapy pronto!  You don’t seem to understand that your father created the situation he is in.  Its called Karma, making your bed and having to lie in it, whatever you want to call it bee.  Regardless he knows exactly what he’s doing and he knows if his wife (who’s the smart one in this sitch) won’t take him back, all he has to do is give puppy dog eyes and a sob story (of his making) and his daughter certainly will.

Oh what that heck does his being hispanic have to do with anything???

Post # 18
10697 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

claroquesi :  

I was kinda wondering that myself.


OP, In any case, the plan to move this sperm donor into your home is completely irrational.  You will be blowing up your marriage and for what?  To be further abused?

Your feelings are typical for an abused child.  You’re still holding out a spark of hope that he can be the daddy you have always needed him to be.  He can’t.  He is mentally and physically ill.

Not taking proper care of himself is his choice.  If he is schizophrenic, he should be on meds and under psychiatric care.

A far better option would be to contact adult protective services in your community and let them do an assessment of his condition and determine whether or not he needs to be in a facility.

Post # 19
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You need to see a Therapist.

My guess is through all this, you somehow feel deep down like it is your fault that your Dad is incapable or loving you or anyone, that he makes terrible choices and is a miserable human being. You also may feel that taking him in will fix this…he will appreciate what you are doing and love you the way he should have all your life. After all, anyone would appreciate someone saving them at their worst moment, right? I can tell you from experience Bee, this isn’t going to happen. He will not see or appreciate anything you do, at all. He hasn’t changed at all and is getting worse, not better. Instead of you helping him he will take you down with him and then blame you for it. Yes, he will ruin your life, if you let him. You are worthy of so much more. Don’t get sucked into this toxicity any more. Good luck Bee. 

Post # 20
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2020

Adding onto PP…

CUT ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป HIM ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป OFF ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป

Ask yourself, if you were in his position (sick, unemployed, and unstable) would he do the same for you? Would he make room in his life for you? Probably not. 

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