Post # 1
My wife died 16 months ago. I started dating a women 4 months ago.
My daughter is getting married in March and has stated she does not want my girlfriend to come to the wedding or reception as she does not want to look out and see another women where her mother should be.
It’s not like this is a woman that broke up a marriage, my died. After a year I decided to date. My children are still grieving and I understand that but I am moving forward.
I understand her sadness in the loos of her mother, but life does go on. I have not told my girlfriend yet that she is not being invited to the function.
I have thought about attending the wedding as I want to witness my daughter being married, but also thought maybe i would not attend the reception.
Do you think I am selfesh? How can I tell my girlfriend she is not invited?
Post # 3
With the death so fresh for the kids I understand her where it is hard for her, however, IMO she is being childish in dictating who you can bring to the wedding UNLESS they are not allowing SOs at all for budget reasons. As an adult, she should already understand that she cannot dictate how you live your life or whom you date. No matter what, you should go to the wedding and the reception, two wrongs don’t make a right. However, I think that this is definitely going to be a discussion with her after the wedding. Don’t use the wedding to make a stand, you really don’t want to miss walking your little girl down the aisle or dancing with her at her wedding. I think that was one of the most wonderful parts of my wedding, the father/daughter dance is something that I will remember forever.
Post # 4
For what it’s worth, a lot of people only give guests a +1 if they’ve been dating for at least a year. Some people would be willing to let that rule go for close family or friends, but perhaps you can tell your girlfriend that your daughter is being very strict on it? If your daughter does change her mind, maybe your girlfriend could come and just be another guest, and not be in any place where her mother would’ve been. Like she’d sit with everyone else while you sat next to a picture of her mother in the front row, etc.
But you should definitely go! You have no idea if this girlfriend will still be around for the next 4 months (sorry to be pessimistic), but your daughter is a relationship you’ll have forever if you do the right thing and attend her wedding.
Post # 5
I can see exactly where she was coming from.
Personally with something like that being as fresh in their minds as it still will be (16 months doesnt heal wounds for everyone) I wouldnt expect the girlfriend to be invited, nor would i invite her if i was the bride.
Post # 6
When a good friend of mine lost her mother, 2 years later she was to the point that she could look at pictures of them together and not burst into tears.
She was young, only 45, when she died and my friend didn’t get to experence all of those moments where you need your mother there (Her wedding, Pregnany, The birth of her sons), so all those times were extremely hard for her. It made an emotional time SO much more emotional
I think that she’s in a different place that you are-for good reason. Me and my SO love eachother dearly, but if something happened to me (or him) God forbid, I’d want him to move on when he’s ready and be happy and live life. At the same time, if the same thing happened to my parents I’d be thrown for a loop of my Mom was dating again. I just can’t picture her with anyone besides my Dad-it would feel wrong to me. I’m sure time would heal all, as it did for my good friend, but some things hurt.
I think you should be honest with your girlfriend- your daughter is emotional and not over the death of your wife. It’s hard for her to be without her at such an important time in her life and you need to be there for her to make it easy as possible. It was her mother- and less then 2 years ago. I’d be suprised if your girlfriend doesn’t understand
As your your daughter- you need to be there for her right now. She might get angry and say mean things and try to push you away-in reality she’s trying to deal with not having her mother there at a time where a daughter needs her mom. I know it seems like she’s being selfish- I think it’s just grief. Give her time and remind her that you love her AND her mother and always will.
Post # 7
you’re kidding right? you must be.
this is one of THE most important mother/daughter moments in a girl’s life. her mother will not be there. you want to bring your girlfriend of ONLY four months.
if you decide not to attend your dauther’s wedding because of this, then you are saying that your recent girlfriend is more important to you than the daughter that you created and raised. and if you do that, you don’t deserve the honor of attending her wedding.
Post # 8
I don’t think it would be appropriate for you girlfriend to attend. The death is still relatively fresh and your new relationship is also still very new. I would imagine that your girlfriend hasn’t been invited not to cause tension, but to protect the feelings of your daughther on what will be HER day.
I think you should attend both the ceremony and the reception, it is your daughters day and if you’re not there she will be missing both her mother and her father.
Regarding your girlfriends feelings, I am sure that she will understand. But ultimately the importance should be on your daughter not on whether your girlfriend attends or not.
Post # 9
I’m going thru this right now. My mom died alot longer than 16 months ago, and I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around my dad bringing his g/f to the wedding. She’s going to sit in my mom’s seat at the church, sit in my mom’s seat at the reception, people will be thinking that she has some special part in my life, and she doesn’t. The woman who helped me become the person I am isn’t there and it sucks. My mom should have been there dress shopping with me, I had to take my dad and sister in law. My Mom should be helping me with the guest list, the decorations and my mom should be there for me when I get giddy over stupid details and she’s NOT there.
the woman my dad is …currently dating will be tho and that truely sucks.
Post # 10
In my opinion, you need to respect your daughter’s wishes. This is HER wedding, and you are her father. You definately need to be there for the wedding ceremony and reception, don’t make her feel like she is missing both mom and dad on her special day. I don’t know if your daughter does or doesn’t like your girlfriend, but that does not matter. Your daughter’s wounds from losing her mother have not healed enough yet, if your girlfriend is a reasonable women, she SHOULD understand.
Do you want your daughter to be sad at her own wedding, because seeing you with another woman on her wedding day will be a constant reminder that her mom is not here with her on her special day. Is that a memory you want to stay with your daughter, everytime she thinks back to events on her wedding day? Like I said before, I don’t know if she’s choosing to not invite your girlfriend because she does or doesn’t like your Girlfriend, but your daughter’s wounds are still very fresh. In my opinion, 16 months is not enough time to fully get over the death of your mom. Everyone grieves differently, it may even take many years for some people.
Post # 11
@MissFireFlower: Excellent advice and very well put! I agree with everything you said.
Post # 12
@MissFireFlower: THIS! I agree with everything she said and couldn’t have put it better myself.
Post # 13
Your daughter is being fair. You have only been dating this women four months. Do not make this about yourself and try to respect her wishes. Why would your daughter want you there with someone she barely knows just as an extra sting after loosing her mother?
Please respect her, do not start an agrument and prove to your daughter she is number one in your life.
Post # 14
First off, I am sorry for your loss.
Weddings are a very emotional time, and for your daughter this is probably bittersweet. She’s happy to be getting married, but at the same time, most mothers and daughters plan the wedding together. She does not have her mother there to offer advice, to be the “mother of the bride”, to go dress shopping. Yes she has you, but it’s different.
While it might not seem rational to not want your girlfriend there, I do understand it.
Post # 15
4 months is also a very short amount of time. What if the relationship ends? Now there is this woman in her wedding pictures who not only took the place of her mother, but is also not even around any more.
Post # 16
Can’t there be compromise? Can’t your girlfriend attend the wedding but sit in another location in the church? When I married the first time my mom and stepmom both came. Mom had the seat of honor and my stepmom sat elsewhere in the church as a guest.
Assuming you wouldn’t be at the head table your girlfriend could sit with you at the reception.