(Closed) FBIL is Awful. Advice Needed!

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Just have Fiance come to your aparment on the weekends instead. Problem solved. I really don’t think a brother is going to get mad at another brother for drinking and playing video games, thats what guys do. Since it’s not your house you can’t really call the shots. If Fiance actually wanted him gone he would be.

Post # 5
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Have your Fiance change the locks and do not give the Future Brother-In-Law a key. 

Edit: oops missed that line where you addressed my initial suggestion. Hmmm, I hate to say it but if your Fiance isn’t putting his foot down then it’ll be really hard to get the Future Brother-In-Law to move along. Maybe have a frank talk about how your FBIL’s behavior disturbs you and see if your Fiance will see reason. 

Post # 6
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First of all, until it is also your house, like you mentioned, there isn’t a ton you can do. What I would do, however, is let Fiance know that once you live together this WILL NOT be tolerated. He will NOT have a key to the apartment, etc. You are a married couple and he is a guest. Fiance brother may also feel that when you guys live together it’s “different” and may  not want to come up as much.

Sounds like your Future Brother-In-Law is being enabled in his life and not really made to leave the nest. Once it’s a place that you and Fiance share, you will have more control over the situation to make it change!

Post # 9
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t understand how staying with your parents is less expensive than living with your FI? I mean your Fiance is already paying for his own place and you would at least have more time together with his schedule. Why don’t you guys just get your own place, you already have the commitment?

Post # 11
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

ITA with most of the previous posts. So long as it’s FI’s apartment, there’s not much you can do, so for the interim, have Fiance go to your apt. Then, when you get a place together, insist that Future Brother-In-Law does not get a key. And make sure this is a clear, agreed-upon situation BEFORE you move in together.

The other thing you can do–although it might mean a little effort on your part (and again it also might be a moot point as it’s FI’s apt not yours)–is to make it less pleasant for Future Brother-In-Law to come to the apartment. So, if you have DirectTV or some other common service, put a lock on the cable box so he can’t channel surf. Don’t stock the refrigerator with beer and don’t leave a whole lot of food in it. Or stock it with stuff that he’s less likely to eat–lots of alfalfa sprouts, no microwavable pizza. Put a password on the Internet and refuse to give it to him. Remove the gaming console. Put away all the sports and humor books; restock with Proust and Virginia Woolf. And then go out with Fiance for a grand ‘ol time on the town and if he shows up, well, too bad, buddy. Is this nutty and punative? Yes. But it might be an effective last-resort if the next time he comes and you ask him to clean up after himself and he doesn’t do it, he suffers consequences. 😀

On another note, though, it sounds like Future Brother-In-Law has problems beyond what any apartment situation is going to fix–anger issues and possibly depression. Not much you can do about that either because he’s the one who will obviously have to deal with it, but it is something you can perhaps suggest to your Fiance to create some awareness that his behavior might not be a matter of simply “this is who he is” but something medical/psychological.

Post # 13
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It does sound like he’s having issues with depression and as long as everyone just ignores it and his behavior the longer he’ll be sitting on the couch. I would start talking to fi about loving his brother enough to stop enabling him. They are doing him no favors and he is really messing up his financial future with those loans. He must be in school, right?

Post # 14
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Unfortunately this sounds like your FI’s fight.  If he really wanted his brother to stop coming around, he’d change the locks.  It also sounds like your Future Brother-In-Law is a bit of a bully and your Fiance might be just a little scared of him.  That’s not ok.  IF that’s the case it looks like you’re just going to have to tough it out unitl the two of you move in together. 

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