(Closed) FBIL wants to propose to GF at Christmas

posted 7 years ago in Proposals
Post # 77
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

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@flapperphilosopher:  I don’t think it sounds stupid, its important to you and that’s great, you’re going to do great!  I think what people don’t understand is how this hypothetical proposal has anything to do with dinner?

I would assume, whatever he’s going to do…he’s going to do it after dinner…so its almost a non issue….

And as far as your stress goes, your Grandma is going to be proud of you, no matter what, because Christmas isn’t about the food, the gifts or the tree, its about being together, and if you’re the host of such a merry event, she’ll be bursting with pride on the other side, because thats in YOU…not your cooking.

Post # 78
Member
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

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@flapperphilosopher:  So, unrelated to the proposal thing–I would plan on no one helping you, particularly at the beginning of the night. Seriously.

I have cooked dinner for 20+ people, major holidays, etc, many MANY times, and people are like, “Yes of course I’ll help, whatever you need!” and then they never do. It’s always right before dinner, when people are arriving, and everybody gets all excited and chit-chats and forgets that I’m in the kitchen.

So I would advise setting up your timing so that you literally do not need any help, ever. Particularly in the 30 minutes right before dinner!! And if your family totally proves me wrong, awesome! And if they do exactly what every family I’ve ever cooked for does, lol, then you are prepared for it.

And I always use spreadsheets, sticky notes, etc, so you’re totally in my wheelhouse on that one! 🙂

Feel free to PM me if you need any suggestions on timing! I do all of our family holidays usually, so I am really good at this point!

Post # 79
Member
2910 posts
Sugar bee

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@flapperphilosopher:  I think I will just tell Fiance to tell him yes but to make it after dinner. If he is asking for permission, he can at least do me that favor. I don’t think it’s too much to ask. 

I agree; I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
 
I would like to focus on the fact that you sound terribly stressed out about Christmas day, and that’s sad. I’m sorry you’re so worried about everything being perfect. It seems like that would really ruin the day and like you aren’t going to be able to enjoy it. I promise you that 1. family traditions change, chances are the “family Christmas” in the early days of your grandmother playing hostess was quite different from in recent years and 2. your grandmother is and will proud of you even if the day is imperfect. It’s about family and love and enjoying time together, not whether the food comes out on schedule. You can choose to let some of this anxiety and need for perfectionism go. You’ll be happier for it.

Post # 80
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

OP, while I don’t necessarily agree with your reasoning, at the end of the day, it’s your hourse, your rules.  

Post # 81
Member
9126 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Hey I agree with you.  (Not about timing dinner, that seems silly.)   But too much public intimacy makes me uncomfortable, and what is more intimate than a freaking MARRIAGE PROPOSAL!?

I would have your Fiance ask his brother to propose BEFORE you’re all at your house… the day before, the morning of, whatever.  That way you all can still celebrate their engagement together (which is totally cool and does not “take away from Christmas” at all), but they still keep the actual engagement more private.

Post # 82
Member
3519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@flapperphilosopher:  I think it’s lovely that you’re carrying on your family traditions and I’m sure it will be awesome!  I personally think it was sweet of him to even ask if he could do it there, but good luck with that.

On another note, after having hosted dozens of big family holiday dinners, do as much as you can beforehand.  If you have the drinks and apps already set out and the first course all set to go, the rest is a breeze.  I know that’s kind of a given, but my favorite parties have always been the ones where I’m not running around the day of.   What’s on the menu?

Post # 83
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Wow sounds like you are being selfish to me? Maybe you need to ask to ask yourself what Christmas really means. Is it really about entertaining, impressing others, and food? Or is it about family, spending time together, enjoying each others company, and being happy. If the second definition doesn’t apply to you, then maybe you should redefine Christmas for yourself. 

Based on what you mentioned, there really is no reason why your Future Brother-In-Law shouldn’t propose to his gf on Christmas. It actually sounds very sweet and thoughtful to me. Why wouldn’t he want to propose on Christmas, such a joyful and special holiday for most people, in front of family members?

Post # 84
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

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@flapperphilosopher:  “I think I will just tell Fiance to tell him yes but to make it after dinner. If he is asking for permission, he can at least do me that favor. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.” Out of all your posts this seems the most reasonable. I think it’s great your Future Brother-In-Law wants to share this moment with the family and also very considerate of him to ask you first (plenty of people wouldn’t have asked and would have just done it because it is a family event). I understand being stressed about Christmas dinner so I think it’s fair to ask him to hold off until after dinner to propose (and quite honestly, I think it would be weird of him anyway to ask as soon as everyone gets there as it’s more fun to do these things when everyone is settled down). 

Post # 85
Member
3765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

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@flapperphilosopher:  I completely understand your desire to carry on family tradition and make them proud. When my grandma passed away we stressed out about making her proud at Christmas time. No flames here.

Post # 86
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@mrstea83:  “(ETA: If this is your first christmas hosting the family with your Fiance, then the night should be about you as well- you’re the host! I don’t think you’re being selfish at all.”

No, just no, when you are the host, the night is about your guests, not about you. That’s just basic good manners.  When you offer to host, you’re saying “come enjoy my hospitality,” not “come look at meeeeeeeeee!”

Post # 87
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@flapperphilosopher:  so it’s your first time hosting christmas and you don’t want your Future Brother-In-Law to steal your limelight? (ok, I’m stressing my point, but – huh?!) hosting is about your guests, never about you. I just don’t really see why it’s such a big deal to let him propose there – it obviously means something to him and the rest of the family will probably love to be let in on their moment – you’re potentially cheating a lot of people out of a very unique christmas eve memory to cherish for the rest of their lives. Just consider this. Christmas is about family and being with those you love, not who gets the attention.

That being said, no way is this your battle to fight – if your Fiance insists that it’s a no go (again, I really struggle to see why) it’s his discussion to take!

Post # 88
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I don’t see the big deal either, and what a great memory it would be for everyone that’s there with you!! This is the stuff you guys will talk about years and years from now! 

Post # 90
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

OP, you sound super stressed- deep breaths! I get wanting the holidays to be “perfect,” but they so rarely are. DH and I hosted our parents last year for Thanksgiving (our first as a married couple), and took the opportunity to try some new things. (His bacon-wrapped turkey was a big hit.) It sounds like the stress you have is from “doing it right”- seems like too much pressure. This holiday isn’t just your family, so that gives you some leeway to mix things up. Ignoring the whole proposal issue, you don’t sound like you’re looking forward to hosting Christmas, which is sad. May I suggest taking a step back, looking at your to-do list, and seeing what you can change to make it fun for you? (Give people things to bring, do stuff ahead of time, and if making Aunt Susie’s oyster dressing is going to stress you so much that you get hives, skip it!)

Post # 91
Member
866 posts
Busy bee

@flapperphilosopher: 

I was going to give you a harder time until you posted about being so stressed about dinner. i get it, christmas is important and wanting to do it perfectly is very stresful. I have hosted many large meals (thanksgiving for 35 where I cooked all the food) and used to be very stressy about it but honestly I have learnt that people would much rather eat a slightly overdone chicken leg with a relaxed happy host than eat a perfectly done dinner with a stressed out, overly emotional host bringing everyone down. I don’t say this flippantly, it took me years to figure this out and learn how to relax about it all but it is the best advise I have about hosting large meals.

As for the Brother-In-Law, just let him propose after dinner. i am sure he will be ok with that and it will be a really nice special addition to your first christmas.

Good luck, i hope it goes well. If you want to share what you are making and get some suggestions on how to time it all and organize, feel free to PM me.

 

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