(Closed) FBIL wants to propose to GF at Christmas

posted 7 years ago in Proposals
Post # 107
Member
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1993

Oh hell no. Tell Fiance to call Future Brother-In-Law and inform him that his GF’s family are not invited to dinner. I liked the PP’s idea of having them come for pudding though.

Post # 108
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@flapperphilosopher:  I totally get your stress. The proposal was one thing but you are perfectly in your right to tell him you don’t have room for that many people or that HE needs to provide kosher food, a table and chairs for her family. 

And for what it’s worth- I announced my engagement and Thanksgiving before dinner. Everyone was super excited and after five minutes they went back to cooking. We talked more at dinner. I don’t think the proposal itself will throw you off much if you can get the extra people taken care of. 

Post # 109
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@flapperphilosopher:  I just want to say that I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with all this crap on what should’ve been a wonderful, warm family gathering. I hope you get everything worked out, OP!

Post # 110
Member
6036 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

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@flapperphilosopher:  You absolutely did the right thing. Now you are not the bad guy. Future Brother-In-Law is. In an ideal situation there would be no bad guy but you definitely did the right thing. Now I think the next thing to do is to set boundaries and explain politely that while you were ok with the idea of the proposal happening during your event, you will in no way tailor the event to make it right for his proposal plans. This includes inviting 6 more people that you will be expected to entertain and feed. That is so inappropriate. If he wants ALL the family to be there he needs to plan his own event. You would be absolutely in your right to stand your ground on him inviting the GF’s family. He definitely tried to pull a fast one here. I thought at first he was just him wanting to do it with his family there. Now it seems more like he’s trying to take your event for your family and turn it into an event to host his proposal. Most definitely not. Stay strong on this one. YOu did your part by saying yes about a proposal. He is the one in the wrong now.

Post # 111
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@flapperphilosopher:  I honestly don’t have any advice for you because I don’t see what the big deal is.  The brother yes, could propose at his own house, but maybe he wants the moral support of family or wants the family involved in the proposal.  If I were in your shoes, I’d feel honored and happy that someone would want to include me (and my home) in such a big life event.

*Edit* I was going to ask if there was something going on at your house that you didn’t want the attention taken away from.  After reading one of your other posts, it sounds like hosting is a big deal do you.  I get that, I’ve hosted holidays before to.  At the first holiday gathering that DH and I hosted together, our SIL announced her pregnancy.  It was wonderful and joyous.  I would have felt like a royal jerk if I made a stink about someone else’s announcement overshadowing the first holiday I hosted…if I had cared about it being over shadowed, which I didn’t  Maybe that’s not your concern, but I honestly can’t think of another reason why you would be against the proposal at your home.

 

Post # 112
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

All right, addressing the proposal concerns up to date:

Your husband needs to stand firm. It sounds like this guy could maybe really use some help coming up with alternative ideas if he wants his family there and her family there. Maybe your husband could suggest that he invite them over to open presents that morning (which shouldn’t conflict with your dinner); maybe they could all go out to dinner together on Christmas Eve, and he could do it then…he could even postpone it until New Year’s and have everyone together.

When you start going through so many family tiers, it’s not fair – and incredibly rude – to expect your family to host your girlfriend’s family. I’d be furious if my brother-in-law called to tell me that he had already invited his girlfriend’s family to MY house. No way. I wouldn’t entertain such rudeness by bending to it; I’d call it out and make it clear that he needed to tell her family that plan had been scrapped. My house – I don’t know the people involved – and it’s my way who does and doesn’t come in.

If it comes up again, I’d flatly tell your husband: “This is the outcome that I would like. You tell your brother that this is the result of you thinking about it, not me.” You don’t want to be the bad guy.

 

As for hosting the holidays – I get that they’re stressful and I’ve cooked for as many people before. But much of the time, you can prepare most dishes ahead of time (for Thanksgiving, I made most things the night before or in the morning – stuffing, baked beans, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, etc.) and reheat them in the half hour leading up to dinnertime. Most THanksgiving and Christmas dishes are starchy and reheat well.

If keeping everything hot is an issue, downgrade the number of sides you have – I think we generally have 7 – 8. Desserts can always be made in the few days leading up to it.

This is your first time hosting – no one will be expecting miracles. This is also the time to step out into the world with your own sure footing – if your holiday traditions end up going differently, it’s not the end of the world. And if keeping the centerpiece looking great is an issue – many grocery store delis sell turkey and ham that only needs some reheating before putting it on the table.

You’ll do great. And if things don’t go perfectly…they don’t go perfectly. In the grand scheme of the many meals you’ll make from here on out, it’s unlikely anyone will give it great thought. It was only recently that several members of my family recalled an incident with my grandma years ago – after a single relative remembered. She baked her ham with a thin layer of plastic still attached (she hadn’t seen it) – and they were all remarking on how chewy it was until someone peeled a layer off at dinner. The thing was – every other year covered that one up.

 

Post # 113
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@Westwood:  I was thinking the selfish word too.

 

it seems like you are worried about the extra work and maybe not living up to being the perfect host you think you need to be.  But think of it as now they will always remember starting this great part of their lives at your house.

 

EDIT:  I was being a bit nasty so I took it out.  I have a fever, sorry.

 

Post # 114
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - Briarwood Golf Course/ Country Club

I would have your Fiance call his brother and explain to him he shouldn’t do it then.  Have him make the recommendation to do it earlier in the day when it is just the two of them like you said and then come to the dinner.  Your Fiance needs to explain how important this dinner is to the both of you, and that your family will be there as well, but at the same time still say how the both of you are excited for them.  Honesty is the best thing, and I don’t blame you for not wanting the engagement to happen at your house.  Just make sure he does it and not you because it is much easier for family to understand another family members opinion and if he doesn’t understand its easier to accept and move on.  If not you will look like the bad guy and he might have a harder time looking past it than if your Fiance said something.  Don’t let this ruin your Christmas!!

Post # 115
Member
3519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@flapperphilosopher:  I just read your post from a week ago when you asked for kosher meal suggestions for the Girlfriend.  You’re a very considerate hostess.  All of those extra people, who are all kosher, when you are serving a ham and cheese-stuffed tenderloin, will NOT WORK.  Period.  Future Brother-In-Law can suck an egg.  Yes, he can propose, but no one else can come over.  You’re stretched as you are with dinner for 12, one kosher meal, and only one small oven and crock pot.  This all just happened in the span of an hour or less.  There’s no way this is already set in stone with his family.  He can take them all out after your house for drinks and celebrating elsewhere.

Post # 116
Member
9576 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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@OldMrsMcDonald:  yes this!

 

 

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@flapperphilosopher:  6 extra people with special dietary restrictions is more than a little much to add! I get that hosting holiday meals IS hard. Cant they come for drinks and dessert? Makes much more sense I think!

Post # 117
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

wow I am sorry – that is crazy that he invited all of them.  You have every right to be upset.

Post # 118
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

Wow I can’t believe you gave this guy and inch and he took a mile. Your Fiance needs to call him right back and say no. Inviting 6 extra people to your house with special dietary needs and when you lack the space is freaking ridiculous. He needs to figure out a new proposal because you guys need to say no. I hardly have room at my table for 6 people let alone 18…crazy just crazy and disrespectful that he would invite them prior to you even saying yes.

Post # 119
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

Ok WHOA. 

I was originally like wow, homegirl needs to relax. Having a proposal at your house while you’re hosting Christmas should not be a problem. I do think you were a bit dramatic about that. HOWEVER, this recent update with Future Brother-In-Law inviting his GF’s whole family (with dietary restrictions to boot) is a big fat NO. He needs to be told immediately, in no uncertain terms, that that is rude and inappropriate, which should not be your job. Fiance should handle it, or maybe even Future Mother-In-Law depending on their family dynamic. But whoever it is, needs to do it and fast because Future Brother-In-Law can’t be inviting a bunch of people and then tell then they’re uninvited. That’s just rude. 

Post # 120
Member
2676 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@flapperphilosopher:  honestly, based on you initial posts I thought you were being a little silly and selfish. However, your brother in law was completely out of line to take it upon himself to invite 6 extra people WITH DIETARY RESTRICTIONS that are completely incompatible with the meal you have planned. He has basically decided that you will have to prepare 2 entirely separate meals. I think the best way to handle this is to be a gracious hostess and welcome everyone into your home, but insist that Brother-In-Law arrange and pay for catering for his invited guests, unless he prefers to just invite them to join for coffee/cocktails/dessert after dinner. You can explain that you do not have the time or kitchen space to prepare a second meal for 6 guests. And, as Christmas dinner is expensive to host, you regrettably do not have money left in your budget to add Kosher catering. 

Post # 121
Member
875 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@flapperphilosopher:  You are putting WAY too much pressure on yourself. You need to relax. I am also hosting my very first Christmas this year for 15 people and I recently had a baby. Put down the spreadsheets and enjoy yourself. Let your Future Brother-In-Law propose, its NBD.

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