(Closed) FBIL's wife — vent

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 45
Member
5916 posts
Bee Keeper

nycbee00:  I don’t see how having some empathy for the SIL is seen as ‘higher than thou’….wouldn’t it be your natural instinct to feel badly for someone who is seen as the outsider/ unwelcome one? IMO the responses here are more about being against bullying (even if more subtle than overt) than in Bees being sanctimonious. If your sympathies fall more toward OP than the SIL, that’s fine too, your opinion is just as valid as the next….ironically you’re the one who comes off as super judgmental.

Post # 46
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

luv2luv:  Yes and I already said it’s petty.  But I don’t think the OP is an angel here. There’s definitely another side to this, and it’s hinted at in the original post. 

Post # 47
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I do understand where you’re coming from as my brother in law’s girlfriend is very needy and can drive me crazy…however you are making a ton of assumptions about her.  You are assuming she is jealous of you for going to college.  You are assuming a lot about her relationship with your future brother in law…making the assumption that the ONLY reason why he married her was because of her getting pregnant.  I know I know your future brother in law told your fiance that it was the case, but maybe, just MAYBE it simply speeded up the process.  MAYBE they had been talking about it aand once she got pregnant they decided that was the time to get married.  You can’t assume because you aren’t in her/their shoes.  You also say she is a “homewrecker”…okaaaaay…what evidence/proof do you have of that?

Again, I get it, I really do, but once you get married she is going to be part of your life whether you like it or not.  That is the stage I am at with my brother in law’s girlfriend…she is part of the family so I just suck it up because otherwise I would drive myself crazy.  There are times when I just shake my head, sure, but I just suck it up.  I also agree that you should probably start learning the language.  Imagine how much it would freak her out if at one point you responded back in the same language haha.

Post # 48
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

starrynight898:  I don’t know why people are being so critical of what you wrote, I’m sorry she’s been so inconsiderate. I come from a Mandarin speaking family (but everyone can speak English perfectly), my Fiance is not Chinese and I know it took some time for my family to switch over to speaking English when he is around. Maybe it is just out of habit and you can remind her in front of everyone that you don’t understand the next time she does this. She’s obviously not going to continue doing it if you point it out publicly. Good luck!

Post # 50
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

anonem1018:  Posters are being critical of the OP because she listed a full 6 reasons why she is better than/ judges her Future Sister-In-Law (OP, yes she is, whether you like her or not), and yet says she has ‘pity’ for her.  

I don’t agree with the FSIL’s behavior, and I’d take the high road in her situation, but it’s easy to see why she’s feeling like an outsider and acting out.  OP, as others have said I really can’t believe that she doesn’t see and feel just how little you and the rest of the family think of her.

While not the point of your post I am also questioning why your Future Brother-In-Law isn’t subject to the same judgement as your FSIL- it took 2 to get pregnant and that’s his baby as much as hers when you talk about her putting the baby in front of the tv etc., he should be just as capable of parenting as she is.

 

Post # 52
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

Belichick:  because it’s unreasonable to expect people to treat their own families badly just because they don’t agree with their choices. It is unfair but people don’t stop loving their own for bad choices and blame the other person instead. Does that make it right ? No. But it seems silly for the OP’s Future Sister-In-Law to take that out on the OP since she isn’t the one who created the dynamic but her in laws did. 

Post # 53
Member
3244 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

nycbee00:  amazing response. . .to a well articulated, positive and kindly put response. To quote you, ‘lol’ 

Post # 54
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

luv2luv:  I don’t think the Future Sister-In-Law is ‘right’, like I said it’s not how I’d behave.  With that said, I don’t think the OP is ‘right’ either.  I was on her side so to speak until the last paragraph.  I cannot believe that someone with so much judgement and hostility to a person is hiding it nearly as well as the OP would like to think.  It’s unfortunate that the relatiosnship is as negative as it is, I just don’t think the Future Sister-In-Law is the only one responsible. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Belichick.
Post # 55
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Yipeebee:  seriously. Again, LOL But the OP is the bully here. Judging is one thing while bullying –of that I am not guilty of. 

Post # 56
Member
11650 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

It’s not difficult to understand the reactions to the OP. To make her case, she slut shamed, blamed only the woman for an affair, said the woman only got the man to marry her because she was pregnant -these are all really negative stereotypes that were designed to impugn this girl’s character and make it okay for the OP to hate her.

the problem is, a lot of bees aren’t falling for it. They ask why the man isn’t being blamed for wrecking his home. Fair question. 

They ask why the man isn’t being equally blamed for getting her pregnant. Fair question.

These were unfair character attacks and the fact that the OP went there in her original post in an effort to get people on her side speaks volumes.

what does any of that have to do with speaking Chinese instead of English? To me, it speaks loudly of the problem, which has been identified by PP. The OP is judging this girl, the whole family is. 

it’s hard not to feel bad for her, she’s paying a huge cost, by herself it seems, for the choices two people made, and only one of them was breaking his vows. But no one is judging him.

Post # 57
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

BalletParker:  because if I do something terrible my brother would still love me, even if he doesn’t love my spouse . He wouldn’t start hating me. it would be unfair but I can guarantee that my brother’s loyalty to me would win out over his desire to be fair. Same for my parents, they would continue to be on my side even if they are not on my spouse’s side. That seems like a really easy thing to understand.

do I think the op should be a bitch to this woman ? Absolutely not. however the OP is under no obligation to be nice to someone who is actively trying to exclude her from conversations. 

 this is a chicken or the egg situation. did the op start disliking her because she was excluding her or did the Future Sister-In-Law start disliking her because the OP judged her. the stupidest thing about the OP’s Future Sister-In-Law is that she isn’t attacking the source of the problem, her in laws (parents and brothers) but rather someone who doesn’t control the dynamic. 

Post # 58
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

I think the reason she does that is because that is the only way she can make you feel less than her. Don’t let it or anything she says bother you. Most of the time people act like this to get a reaction out of the other person. You are most likely correct that all the issues you stated have led to low self esteem. There is nothing you can do about her issues, they are hers to deal with. 

Just be the bigger person, and it sounds like you have. Easier said than done but if you don’t let her bother you, she might stop trying to bother you. 

 

Post # 59
Member
11650 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

luv2luv:  really? My family treats everyone who marries into it like they are a full member. When my mom’s brother, my uncle cheated on his wife, we all took her side. 

If you treat people who marry into your family like trash, I guess you can expect the same in return. That’s sad to me.

also, OP married into this family. So I guess under your logic, she better watch her back.

 

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