Post # 1
I’ve been lurking the boards for a couple months, but this is my first post.
I was just wondering if what I’m feeling is normal or not.
Firstly, I’ve been with Fiance for just over 4 years – he proposed this past summer, and we bought and moved into a house together. Our wedding is set for June 2012.
We’ve never been more in love than we are now and it seems to just get better every day (sorry if I’m being mushy). We hate to leave each other in the morning and sometimes it’s really hard. We can’t wait to see each other after work and are always excited when the other one gets home. My family loves him and his family loves me. We laugh a lot. Basically, things are as good as they get.
I should mention that we’re not that co-dependant couple who can’t go anywhere without the other – we have plenty of our own interests and hang out with friends both together and separately. We miss each other when we’re not together, but it doesn’t affect our behaviour!
Anyway, this is getting long, so here’s my question. I often feel scared that something bad will happen to him. I actually fear that somehow he will die. Is that completely screwed up? Do any of you other bees ever worry about that sort of thing? We are in our later twenties, and we’re in pretty good health.
Now, these thoughts don’t take over my whole DAY or anything, but I do think about tragedy striking pretty much daily. Do you think it’s unhealthy and I should see someone about it? Or is worrying just a part of life when you feel like you have a lot to lose?
I’ve never been happy like this before and just feel like I would be lost and broken without him. We have our lives planned together and I couldn’t imagine it any other way.
I feel like a crazy person for posting this, but please let me know what you think and if anyone else has experienced worry and fear in the midst of their happiness! Thank you.
Post # 3
I think this is normal. I feel this way a lot. I’m terrified of death (as I’m sure many people are) and often worry that something bad will happen to DH. If you think it’s affecting you to a point where it’s taking over your thoughts, it’s never a bad idea to see someone! Even if it just helps for you to talk to someone about it. I’ve gone to therapy before and always found it beneficial. You aren’t alone 🙂
Post # 4
You’re not crazy but I do think you should seek help. I had to go to a therapist after my daughter was born. Like you, I’d never been happier and I was terrified that something would take me away from her. It really helped me snap back into the present rather than fearing the future.
Post # 5
You are definitely not crazy. I agree with PP’s, if these feelings get really overwhelming then seeing a therapist is a good idea.
It is definitely frightening to think of the possibility of losing someone you love so incredibly much.
I had a boyfriend that I loved very very much pass away suddenly, and I also lost a good friend to cancer at 24. These experiences have made me extra…aware and conscious of the fact that anything can happen.
But it is important not to let these fears prevent you from enjoying the present. I hope you can let go of these fears in any way that helps…
Post # 6
@PitBulLover: Thank you! Hearing “you’re not alone” is very comforting. I’ve been feeling like a weirdo, haha.
You know, I’ve been thinking about how much scarier it’s going to get once we have kids. Thanks for reminding me to focus on the present. 🙂
Post # 7
@Evie19: I’m really sorry for your losses. It’s incredibly difficult to lose someone you love, and to go through that pain twice must have been very painful for you.
OP, I do worry about losing my DH too. I always have, but now that he’s in the military, I fight the tendency to worry even more. I often have nightmares about him returning from a deployment and not remembering me… or coming home in a casket. It’s reality for me that he has a very risky job and there’s always going to be a chance he won’t come home.
However, I can’t let that fear rule my life. Anyone can die at anytime from anything. If he didn’t have this job, he might die on the way home from the office, or die doing a sport he loves (rock climbing).
I don’t control the future, I can only control my present. I have found it’s best to not even worry about what could happen and focus on enjoying the everyday moments, because if something bad were to happen, I would want to look back on these years together fondly and without regret that I wasted them worrying.
Post # 8
@Evie19: I’m so sorry to hear about your late boyfriend and friend. You must have gathered a lot of strength going through those things. Has it made you more afraid? I think that since my parents have both had some health issues this past decade (heart attack and cancer), I’ve become much more anxious about losing those closest to me.
I spoke to a counsellor in university (after my dad’s heart attack which almost took him) and didn’t find it very helpful; maybe I just didn’t have the right fit with the counsellor. I felt that all we ever talked about was “how that made me feel” rather than “what I can do about it”, you know?
Post # 9
@Evie19: I don’t think I phrased that right, “did it make you more afraid?” by the way, sorry. You sound very well adjusted and positive. I guess I’m just thinking about how I might feel after being in your shoes. Sorry if that question was impolite.
Post # 10
@piglet_625: Thank you…wise words. 🙂
Post # 11
- Wedding: March 2012 - Zama Beach Club, Isla Mujeres, Mexico
I am glad you posted this. I was actually going to write a blog post about something similar. I have this irrational fear that my mom and dad are suddenly going to die and it didn’t start until I got engaged. Like other bees said, I’m thinking about talking to someone to help me through it! Ain’t no shame in that game 🙂
I would just love to be able to put those thoughts out of my head and fully enjoy wedding planning.
Post # 12
it’s totally normal i think! i have had that fear too. but it is always helpful to seek counseling – i’ve had it three times (i’m a bit of a nutter) and the first two I saw were great but the third one I just didn’t click with – please don’t let that put you off. just find someone that you get on better with and i’m sure you will find it very helpful. and congrats on your engagement!!
Post # 13
@Juliepants: Your questions were not at all impolite!
Actually I was going to ask you if you had been through some other trauma lately to bring on this sense of fear lately…
It makes a lot of sense that dealing with your parents’ health issues would bring these kinds of thoughts to the forefront.
Definitely you have to find a right fit with your therapist. I got lucky- with my first one we just clicked immediately and worked well together. But many friends have told me how turned off they became to therapy due to therapists/psychologists whose personalities and methods they just didn’t jive with. Its helpful to try again and see if another may be a better fit.
Also to answer your question.. yes, I think those experiences did affect me longterm and I think I get scared/paranoid/worked up more easily than I used to. For the most part these thoughts aren’t taking over my life, but I do think I may start trying yoga to relax a bit more. It is so so difficult to accept that we do not have control over so many things in life. It sounds so simple, but it is hard to accept with peace.
Post # 14
@petitfour: It is so good to not feel alone in this! You know, now that you mentioned your fear about your parents being new, I’m realizing that this fear of mine has intensified a lot now that we’ve moved in together. I used to fear my parents deaths more (I still do), but it’s like I’ve transferred my fear onto my Fiance. Hmmm.
Thank you! I never really considered that my “fit” with my counsellor wasn’t right, I think I’d just assumed counselling wasn’t for me. It was at the free health centre at the school, so now I wonder how much these things cost in real life!
Thanks for your input. You’re right, it sounds simple, but it’s tough to deal with.
These boards are really helpful (and comforting)!
Post # 15
I am shocked that so many people think this is normal. I don’t think you should think about tragedy striking on a daily basis.
Post # 16
@Sunflower–girl: No one said it was healthy or the best way to live- we all just said it was understandable. We also suggested therapy if it began taking over OPs life.