Post # 1
So, I have a lot of adults around me (including both my parents, both my fiance’s, and various other friends and relatives) who have become emotionally unstable since I got engaged. By that I mean, my wedding/marriage is evoking feelings within them ranging from separation anxiety to jealousy to fear to straight up rage. Yet interestingly these adults are not mature enough to manage their emotions. Instead they have been relentlessly lashing out at me. And I’m expected to just take it because “oh, so and so didn’t mean anything by cursing you out yesterday, he/she’s just…going through something.”
My wedding is in about a week and I’ve been robbed of so much joy (during what, according to TV, should be the happiest time of my life) because of all these grown people who have no control over their own feelings. My fiance’s mom called me a couple nights ago to “unload” on me. Just fussing and crying and accusing and the whole 9. Essentially, she was extremely worked up over feelings of “losing” her only son and instead of (1) handling it like a grown up or (2) calling me and admitting how she felt, she decided it would be better to call me and berate me for a half hour. I’m sure afterward she felt better that she had gotten those things off her chest, but me? The hurtful things she said really stayed with me to the point that I couldn’t concentrate at all the next day and actually had to leave work early. Because I’m a well adjusted and emotionally mature adult I know that I can’t just go around doing that to people. But why is it that almost no one seems to realize that they can’t do that to me? When do I deserve to be happy and giddy about the fact that I’m marrying the love of my life? When do I get to experience what it feels like to be loved and supported at the time that I MOST need it?
Post # 3
Why don’t they realize they can’t treat you that way? Well, because you let them. At least in the case of your MIL. You stayed on the phone and let her berate you for 30 minutes? Huh? The phone would have been hung up and shut down 30 seconds in if it were me. “MIL, your behavior right now is unacceptable and I deserve better treatment. I’m willing to discuss your concerns with you” – which FTR I think her son should doing but I digress – “but if you can’t talk to me with respect this conversation needs to end.”
By not standing up for yourself, you’re essentially giving people permission to treat you like garbage. With some people you need to demand respect. And if they get their panties in a twist so be it. End the conversation and kindly remind them that you will wait until they are able to calm down to start a new discussion about what’s stuck up their ass.
Post # 4
@JemmaWRX: I agree.
You are letting people have too much control over your emotions. If you find yourself getting sucked in, it’s time to take a break from these people. Don’t see them, and don’t pick up the phone when they call. If you have to be around them for whatever reason, leave the room until they calm down. Weddings often bring out the worst in people so distancing yourself is your only best option for sanity.
Post # 5
Girl the convo would have been over is 2.5 seconds. You don’t call my phone talking crazy and expect me to listen to that crap. I would have hung up, call my FI and told him that his mom is hurting his soon to be wifes feelings and they should talk. Your are so close to your wedding, don’t let them take you there… say it with me now “Eff em’!!!”
MIL talking crazy…Eff em! No shows? Eff em! Limo driver running late? Eff em! Control what you can but don’t let these people bog you down.
Post # 6
Girl the convo would have been over is 2.5 seconds. You don’t call my phone talking crazy and expect me to listen to that crap. I would have hung up
@lina010: +1000, LOVE this response.
Post # 7
@lina010: +100000000000000000000000000000000. You can’t control other people, but you sure can control your reactions to them.
Post # 8
@Overjoyed: To answer your questions…because you are letting them. You need to put them in their place. You are letting them get awaywith too much by being ugly to you. No one will rob you of your special unless you let them.
At our wedding, DH’s aunt an absolutely prude. One of our friends was doing some minor hip thrusting to Thriller by Michael Jackson, and she pulled her niece off the dance floor, told all of DH’s aunts and uncles on his dad’s side that our wedding was becoming filthy, and they all left after that. She even had the nerve to come up to DH and tell him that they were leaving because the dancing was becoming inappropriate. I could been all like, “Wah, a bunch of my guests left.” But instead I pretty said good riddence and waved and continue to dance like a slut with my husband, lol.
The situation becomes what you let it become. Don’t let those people walk all over you. It will only get worse as the years go on (think grandchildren, if you choose to do so).
Post # 9
So sorry you have to deal with this! 🙁
I just started to get very cranky with people when thy did that to me… worked very quickly. Now when people do that to me I have little problem asking if there’s any reason they feel it’s OK that they talk to me like that, and let them know I’m not interested in listening.
I know it sounds harsh (and it’s so easy to say) but you do need to learn how to stand up for yourself!
And I mean your personal well-being, not just against personal attacks, etc.
Part of that involves your FI… he should be talking to his mother about the things she said to you (and the fact that she even called). If I were him, I wouldn’t speak to her kindly about it, I’d let her know it was immature and unacceptable, and if she wants to foster a good relationship with her future daughter-in-law she will learn to keep her mouth shut.
Oh, and that she obviously needs some counseling.
Post # 10
That happened to me quite a bit. Mostly coming from my parents. They are the masters of making me feel guilty for doing nothing.
I stopped listening. They tried again, I hung up. They had to find someone else to unload on, because I didn’t want to hear it. It’s been getting better slowly just because I’m so tired of it. They still try to revert to their old ways, but when they try, I think they’re beginning to learn that they probably won’t speak to me for at least a week.
Post # 11
@CakeyP: He didn’t know she called. She specifically called when he wasn’t around and asked me (in so many words) not to tell him that we’d spoken. She knows he doesn’t play that. I told him everything we talked about. She’s since been put in her place.
Post # 12
Oh wtf. Why would anyone do this? Ridiculous. I’m glad that you talked to your FI and that he spoke with his mother. From now on, cut people off when this starts to happen. That sounds harsh, but these people need to learn that this is unacceptable.
FMIL calls and starts this? “I’m sorry to cut you off, [FMIL], but this is not an appropriate, time, place, or person to unload all of your feelings, so this phone call is over.” Or something like that.
Post # 13
Good for your FI for standing up for you!
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club
@Overjoyed: They probably do this to you because they know they can. You take it everytime and they have no consequences. Unfortunately, as soon as you resit, you will be the ugly person.
Been there 🙁
Post # 15
@vorpalette: oh, the drama that would have ensued if I had done that. She and all her relatives would boycott the wedding. We may or may not have had to cancel the at-home reception that SHE is hosting (and which I honestly do not care to attend). I would have been marked as the evil daughter-in-law for life merely for having refused to accept her emotional garbage. It’s so very easy to sit back and fantasize about what I woulda shoulda coulda done. But the reality in that moment was that I had to take it. I spoke up for myself during the conversation so it’s not like she was just going off on me and I was just sitting there silently. But I had to be very careful not to cross the line not to let it escalate into an argument, while it was obvious that she was not observing any limits whatsoever.
Back when I first got engaged, I stood up for myself against my mother who likewise has no self-control and cursed me, berated me and guilted me (as a result of her own feelings of shame, guilt and loneliness) and she made me out to be a monster and stopped speaking to me. To this day I don’t know if she will ever be in my life again. Some people (who are removed from my situation or have never experienced anything like it) can say “oh, good riddance, who needs a mother like that anyway?” to which I’d say “ok. so that was the only one I had. What do I do now?”