(Closed) Fed up with the little things (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Do marry this guy! Value yourself and know that you are worth more than this crap. I’m 31 looking back if I could give advice to my 20’s self I would tell her you need to value yyourself he will not nor could he change all of it yeah some may be changed but it won’t be enough

do you really want bringing kids up in teat environment? Do you want them to see how unmotivated their father is and take after him?

Post # 4
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@imnotarunner7:  damn autocorrect I meant “do not marry this guy”

Post # 5
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

I think a lot of 26 year old males act the exact same way your Fiance does. I am not in your shoes or know the details of the situation other than what you have shared, but I personally would cut him a little slack. Everyone has faults, and it sounds like maybe your man has a little growing up to do. but that’s ok. You sound much more mature than your Fiance, and you probably are at this point in your lives.

 ETA: If this is truly his personality and he really is just naturally messy/lazy/irresponsible/what have you, then you cannot change who a person it, and you need to consider that. If this is just some of his immaturity showing through to you, that’s another.

Post # 6
Member
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

He sounds just like my ex. He’s my ex for a reason. I know it’d hard, I’m sorry. I hope you do what’s best for you.

Post # 7
Member
3193 posts
Sugar bee

I’m not sure if this is what you want to hear….but I think maybe this isn’t the guy for you. I would never marry someone for their potential to be the person that I wanted them to be. I would marry them if they were 100% of the bare minimum that I demand from my life partner, and continually expect them to do better and rise higher, and push me to do the same.

You sound like me. I don’t think it is fair, regardless of if you love him or not, to stay in a relationship where you wanted to change the person all the time. You are putting him under stress because you are basically saying “be less of who you are and more of who I want you to be” and you are settling for continual nagging and disappointment when you have to request things that you think should be automatic (not the little things…but the big things like ambition and drive).

If it were simply a matter of him snoring or being a bit messy or leaving the toilet seat up…I would say you need to relax a bit and maybe he needs some reminders and to step up a bit (compromise), but these aren’t little things.

Post # 8
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2013

None of the complaints on your list sound like little things to me. In fact, many sound like deal-breakers. 

 

He’s 26 buts sounds like a 15-year old in so many ways. It would make me very nervous to sit around hoping he would grow out of it. It does not sound like he ever will. 

Post # 9
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

He sounds really immature, but so are most guys in their 20’s! I suggest going to counseling if he won’t listen to you and make changes. I feel like it’s a bit of a red flag to say you love him for his potential, though.

Perhaps he doesn;t realize exactly how bad this has become. Make an appointment with a counselor, give him the time and address and ask him to be there. Regardless, you go.

Post # 10
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Reign14:  Don’t marry a guy because of his potential. Marry a man because you love who he is. Side note- these aren’t minor problems. You doubt his ability to make good decisions. He’s irresponsible with money. You are shouldering a larger burden for your life together because of his poor work ethic and his inability to help you with the messes he creates. These things don’t magically get better when you get married. It seems like he expects to to care for him because you’re older, that mindset isn’t going to change. You deserve a man who is an equal partner.

Post # 11
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Realize all these things will bother you SO much more after 20 years of being married to him!! Yikes! And keep in mind you can’t change anyone!!

Post # 12
Member
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

To add onto my previous post, and others posts. I don’t agree that all guys in their 20’s are like this. My Fiance is 26, and not like this at all. He’s working his ass off in grad school to provide for our future family. And a lot of our friends are equally as motivated, so I don’t agree this is the kind of thing you can brush off on just being young and stupid.

 

The ex that this sounds like, we broke up 5 years ago. He hasn’t changed.

Post # 13
Member
3193 posts
Sugar bee

Just wanted to add… My husband and I were married at 22 years old, he had a full time job and then only left it to go to grad school. I don’t think a 26 year old should be acting like this, anytime after childhood I think this sort of lack of commitment to work and improvement is unacceptable for extended periods of time and only because of extreme cases. 

Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My Fiance is 25, almost 26 so in a very similar age range to your Fiance and he does not act like this.  Honestly, if your Fiance did only one or two of these things it wouldn’t be a big deal, but that is a LONG list of stupid/irresponsible things he has done/does.  I would wait before marrying this guy, give him some time to grow up.

Post # 15
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I smile when reading your post becasue my Fiance has so many similar little things as yours and he is 35, so I dont think age does matter. 

My Fiance doesn’t have the 2 bid problems that your Fiance has, however he also has so many little things as well, in a way he’s kind of similar to your Fiance, so I understand how you feel. He is sweet, thoughtful, considerate, and caring. He is a gentleman, shows genuine care and concern, and can be romantic. He takes care of me in the best way he knows how.  However there are also so many little things about him such as: he does not eat healthy; a very messy person and he throws everything (mostly clothes) on the floor and walks past it a million times. I’m also constantly picking up after him; He doesn’t do laundry and clean the house unless I ask him to; He plays video game and watches sci-fi whenever he has free time but wont read a book or follow anything meaningful like news or politics; He’s not the best steward of his money. He doesn’t max out his credit card but he likes to buy lots of expensive toys; He went to bed late all the times. etc.

I learn to accept how he is and that’s the way he is and he wont change (he would never do the house work by himself etc), except for the “eating habit” which I wont let it get away easily, the other things I notice that when I clean the house and keep things in order, he will keep them in order out of respect for me too, and if I told him he will try his best to do it (he puts his clothes in the washing machine now, but not all the times though). I also seriously consider before having kids, we will have to budget for “a cleaner costs”, because I know if I dont have time to do them, he just wont do them even I will nag him so many times. 

Just keep in mind that he wont change, so if you cant stand those things, you may better of get out of relationship now. I once heard a quote “A woman marries a man with a ridiculous notion that she can change him and he with the foolish idea that she will be the same forever”. 

 

 

Post # 16
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Honestly? From the sounds of it, he just might not be the partner you need and want in the longrun. I know when people vent they lay out all of the bad and none or little of the good, so maybe there is a long list of all his amazing qualities, too. But… A lot of these are personality things and learned behaviours. People can change their behaviour with a lot of effort, but they can’t (and shouldn’t, necessarily) change the core of their personality. A lot of the things you’re listing are things that are very unlikely to change, especially if he resents you for telling him how they make you feel. I was given the advice once that the arguments you have now are the same fights you’ll be having in 50 years. Do you really want to be fighting about this stuff for the rest of your life?

You say he has the potential to be the partner you want… I, personally, wouldn’t settle for the potential. Everyone has things they need to work on (I totally share some of your FI’s cleaning habits, for example) but I think at some point you need to weigh out whether you want to and are willing to follow him around cleaning up his messes and his mistakes for the rest of your life.

The topic ‘Fed up with the little things (long)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors