Post # 1
A couple of my bms have hinted that maybe I should get their hair (I am NOT requiring professionally done hair) or hotel or even dress. One bm in particular has said things like, “so and so paid for her girls rooms. You should do that.” I feel bad making them spend money on my wedding, but I have always covered these expenses when I was a bm in a few of their weddings. I have already bought them a pretty generous gift (about $120 per girl). I just can’t do any more. Anyone else feel guilty?
Post # 3
I wouldn’t feel guilty. I think if you’re only asking them to buy their dress and everything else is up to them then you’re fine.
I have friends who in the past have been asked to spend close to $2000 on the wedding. Now that’s asking too much.
Post # 4
@Ms. Martian: well, they are all travelling because they all live outside PA. So, they will have to get their transport, hotel and dress and that does really add up. I am trying to select a cheap dress ($100 or less) and I have already said that I do not want a fancy bachelorette or shower- just a slumber party style sleep over. So I am really trying to minimize their expenses. I just can’t incur extra costs in the form of their travel, lodging or hair.
Post # 5
I think you are being more than reasonable! Don’t feel guilty at all – they agreed to be in the wedding and you are asking the bare bones from them so I think it’s OK!
Post # 6
Im a little confused, why would you not pay for the dress?
Im from NZ and the bride always pay for the dress, that is their present we dont then buy the BMs another bit of crap they probably dont want. I paid for my Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses because I chose the dress and the Bridesmaid or Best Man wont likely wear it again, why should she pay for it. Mind you it seems to me that bridal parties are smaller here, most my friends had two bridesmaids I only know one who had three.
As to make up and hair, again this should be paid for by the bride if she requires it, but other wise they do their own, if you are ok with that than I dont think that is a problem.
Accomodation, they would have to pay for that if they came to your wedding if they were not your Bridesmaid or Best Man so that should be their responsibility which they take on when they accept the invite. Dont feel guilty about that.
Post # 7
@sconzzy: It’s very common in the US for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses. That’s just the way it is here.
Post # 8
@sconzzy: Yeah, personally I wouldn’t be comfortable making BMs pay for their own dresses unless they were allowed to choose what to wear, but that’s how they do things in the US.
Post # 9
I had a bridesmaid who said to me that every wedding she has been in her hair, makeup and nails were paid for by the bride, the brides’ family or done for free by someone the bride knew. This made me feel awful I couldn’t afford to pay for these extras for any of them(my husband and I paid for everything ourselves!).
Asides from their dresses, the only thing I asked of them was to show up. I told them very politely what I required from them and that if they wanted their nails, hair and makeup done professionally, they had to pay for those services since I wasn’t requiring that they had hair,nails and makeup done, and if they wanted to do it, they would have to pay for it. I told them I’d help them find services, which I did. I found someone to do their makeup for free, someone to do their hair and nails for a low price, I shared those options with them and let them sort it out from there. No one gave me an issue about paying from there.
I understand the traveling thing and them wanting you to help cover that, we did offer to cover one of our groomsmen hotel room if he needed one since he was traveling to our wedding from MD but he opted to stay at our home the night before and of the wedding with another groomsmen. Is it possible for all of you to help pay for one room for the night before and day of wedding? So that way it isn’t too much of a cost for anyone.
Post # 10
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. In my area it’s pretty much always expected that the bridesmaid will pay for her own dress and travel arrangements. I only have one girl standing up so I may offer to pay for her hair and makeup, but I could never afford to do that if I had multiple bridesmaids. I also let her pretty much choose her own dress, I specified a color and length but that was it.
Post # 11
If you told them early on what they were going to have to pay for, I see no issue w/it. Don’t beat yourself up. ESPECIALLY if you’ve had to cover the same expenses @ their weddings. (I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to throw that in their faces.)
While I agree that some brides expect way too much of their BMs, it doesn’t sound @ all like that’s the case w/you. I’d simply say, “You know, you didn’t have to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. I’ll understand. Just please, stop suggesting I spend even more money on services for my wedding that I don’t even require.”
Don’t feel guilty! They knew what they signed up for when you asked them to be BMs. You’re in the right here.
Post # 12
@sconzzy: For the record, I think that the tradition in NZ of paying for the bm dresses instead of getting the bm a gift is MUCH more practical. However, US bridesmaids or at least the US bms that I know….the ones who will be in my wedding, often expect a gift of some sort at the rehearsal dinner. So, you are now in a position of buying a gift and a dress. The whole idea of just buying the dress in lieu of a gift is no longer really applicable. I am, however, only providing a color as guidance and letting them select their own style of dress so hopefully they will wear it again.
Post # 13
My wedding party is coming all the way to the dominican so I am buying the dresses for them. I am not requiring them to do their hair pro style and I am still getting them a gift.
Post # 14
@nycbrde2011: Yeah, maybe I will see what I can move around in my budget. I just feel like this is really adding up for me.
Post # 15
Do what you can afford. In my situation Fis parents are paying for pretty much the whole wedding. My Dad paid for my dress and travel. So I figured I havent really had any costs that I had to take care of so I decided to use some of the money I had saved up for my dress on my girls! I was lucky though. I have been in wedding where I had to pay for everything and travel
Post # 16
Don’t feel guilty.. it doesn’t matter if someone else paid for this, that and the other, you do what you can afford to do
I was a bridesmaid twice last year and on both occasions I paid for everything. One of the weddings I picked my own dress and the other the dress was picked by the bride (both dresses I’ll probably never wear again). Both times I had to travel (8 hour trip!) to get there and I paid for that also… and I brought them a wedding present too! It didn’t bother me, I knew I had too spend money when I was yes to being a bridesmaid.
Pick a hairstyle they can easily do on their own, get them to do their own make up and pick out a dress that isn’t expensive (or get them to pick their own) 😀