Feel Lack of Respect from SO

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Why do you have to see his family so often? If he wants to then let him. Make a plan with him that you’ll spend time with his family as a couple once a month and in return he has to spend time with you and your family once a month. Compromise. If he wants to spend more time with them, let him, and you go see yours. But you don’t have to be joined at the hip. It doesn’t have to be so much drama. GL.

Post # 4
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

123anonauntie :  just tell them you were with your family and love to see his when you can. They will get over it, and he should be able to understand. Stand your ground.

Post # 6
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee

Definitely rethink this whole relationship. Their whole way of doing things is different than your way, and it’s highly unlikely that they’re all going to change enough for this to not be an issue should marriage happen. If children enter the picture, the whole situation could get much worse.

To see if you’re compatible is the whole point of dating — you’re not married yet. If you’re not compatible — if you’ve tried to work it out, but you still feel disrespected and like you give more courtesy than you receive — then maybe they’re not the right person for you.

The specific incident you’re talking about seems strange to me — specifically your part. Are you saying you, your SO, and their family were going to spend time with your family for your mother’s birthday? Why does SO’s whole family need to be there? It doesn’t sound like they want to be there. Maybe expecting two whole families to meet up is asking too much. I think that’d be too much to ask if everyone was actually in-laws, unless they truly wanted to do it.

Also, if they won’t do these things for you, maybe it’s unnecessary to do it for them. Not in a spiteful way, but in a “This just isn’t necessary” way. Not everyone has to meet up.

Post # 8
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee

123anonauntie :  Since you can’t control your SO’s behavior, I would instead focus on what YOU can do to make this relationship more reciprocal. 

If he doesn’t make an effort to see YOUR family, stop making so much effort to see HIS.

If he then goes and spends time with his family that cuts back on YOUR together time, and you feel like you don’t get to see him enough, THEN it’s time to have the “where are your priorities where this relationship is concerned?” talk.

At some point, though, you have to sit down and have a come to jesus with yourself about your compatibility.

If family is important to you, to the point that you are making such an effort to spend time with his, but he isn’t reciprocating, that could just be a compatibility issue.

Step one should always to be adjusting your own expectations and actions. 

Then watching to see how the new dynamic pans out. Are you feeling happy and satisfied or no?

If no, then you are likely incompatible.

If you are feeling disrespected and disregarded, then you very likely are being disrespected and disregarded.

Post # 9
Member
6605 posts
Bee Keeper

Do you guys spend time alone as well? It seems like all your free time is spent with family, what about couple things, or even friend things?

TBH both of your ideas of family time seem like incredible overkill for ME, but I value my personal, friend and couple time as well as family time. As pps say you can’t control his behaviour. But I wouldn’t be dropping him off or picking him up when he tries to bail. If he wants to leave, he is an adult and can do so on his own. 

Post # 10
Member
2221 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

123anonauntie :  Did you have a plan with your SO about spending time with your family, and he bailed on it?  Or did you assume that he’d know to do that, and he didn’t? 

I’d be super pissed if it were #1.  If it’s #2, then I think he’s somewhat careless and taking you for granted a little, and you need to communicate your needs to him more clearly.

Post # 12
Member
3400 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I think this is an issue that can likely be worked through, but I think you are making the right call by laying out for him the way this behaviour is making you feel and why, and then taking some time apart to think about things. You both need some time and space to consider your priorities and figure out what is important to you as individuals so that you can come back together as a couple and have a serious discussion about how to move forward.

What you absolutely should not do is allow yourself to be the only one making compromises – hold him to his end of whatever you agree on and don’t budge on it, otherwise you are sending the message that his priorities are more important than yours, and setting yourself up for a lifetime of resentment.

Post # 14
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Personally, I wouldn’t be able to spend that much time with anyone, let alone my Fiance family and my own included. We are actually staying with my folks for vacation (they are 3 HR plane ride away) next week to save $$ and I already have anxiety about it. Trying not to think about it and stay positive tho. 

If you guys made plans to hang with your mom and he bailed that wouldn’t be OK with me either. He probably didn’t think it was a big deal. I think the issue is that you all aren’t communicating with each other. He probably really didn’t want to go in the first place and instead of telling you then, he waited to bail halfway through a commitment which set you off. 

The other issue, besides the poor communication, is that the reason the communication is poor is because he is prioritizing his family time over yours. Which is a totally separate issue so it’s important to get to the bottom of this. 

And when you’re dating, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal for both families to get together and hang out. It is more important when you are engaged/becoming a unit. 

Good luck Bee!

Post # 15
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

123anonauntie :  I don’t think you are over reacting to this at all. This behavior from him is a symptom of a bigger issue.

So my close friend just had her boyfriend of three years up and dump her with no warning. He literally cut and run and cleared out his stuff from their apartment and called her for 30 seconds to say its over. Refuses to see her. It really got me thinking. I then saw this article. 

https://www.bustle.com/p/11-relationship-mistakes-your-partner-might-make-if-they-dont-love-you-unconditionally-9154022

 

In this article it focuses on how certain behaviors indicate that the other person isn’t really as invested in the relationship as you might be. It points out ways in which your partner might love you but they don’t love you unconditionally. What this means basically is, they don’t love you in a lasting way. In a way where they are putting in just as much effort as you. IF the going gets tough they WILL NOT stick around. 

Here is the deal with what is going on with your SO. When he doesn’t want to spend time with your family he is being selfish and has no consideration for your feelings or needs. Beyond that he also DOESN’T CARE to be building a good strong relationship with your parents. HUGE RED FLAG. My current boyfriend and I have only been together 9 months now but he makes every effort to say hi to my parents when I facetime them and he is there, he asks how they are doing. He clearly is aware that he needs to and should want to have a good relationship with my family because he wants to some day be a part of my family. It is clear as day that my boyfriend is invested in a future with me because of how much effort he puts in with my family.  

THis is why your SO’s behavior is so concerning. He doesn’t care what your family thinks of him, and he isn’t even trying to form a bond with them. Men and women both know that if they want a real future with someone they need to integrate their lives together, they want to win over the other person’s family, friends etc. He is making zero attempt to do that. It is just like this article is talking about above. His investment in you is minimal. So if I were you I would take some serious time to think about how invested he really is in you. Read that article, are there other things in there that he also does that indicate his low level of investment in you? 

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