- 1 year ago
So I am dealing with some things and hoping you all can help me. I’ve gone anonymous on here just to get some feedback and make sure I am not completely crazy! Warning and apologies, long post ahead!
Okay, so my SO and I got into a huge fight this weekend based on family issues. His family is completely enmeshed in a very bizarre to me way, but that is another story for anther time. This weekend we were supposed to spend Sunday with my family, as it is my mom’s bday this week and we live in different cities so we were going to celebrate on Sunday. Not doing a ton of stuff, but just hanging out and grabbing some lunch at a restaurant she loves and then everyone saying their goodbyes around 3. My SO and his sister came over to the house in the morning to play around on some of our toys (ATV type things) becuase she hadn’t ridden one in a while. He then left, spent most of the rest of the day with his family and then came back to have lunch with us (after lunch with his family, so he didn’t eat hardly anything) had a drink in the pool and then left again. He spent most of the weekend with his parents, even though we both knew it was kind of a “my family” weekend. I was super pissed by the end of this weekend.
Here is the deal. We live in the same city as his parents. We can literally see them any time we want. I organize a weekly dinner for their family because my SO had been complaining about not seeing his family enough. I thought, this will be easy, its a great excuse to get everyone together. It is usually blown off or canceled by someone. So we actually get together about once a month. But then both him and his parents give the “we never see each other” excuse as to why they can’t hang out with my family when they come in town (or we go to visit them). It pisses me off to no end! Yes, we see my family a lot in the summer as they have a house in a popular tourist area around us. But then we won’t see them from September until Thanksgiving. We will see them at Christmas, and then not again until February for my niece’s birthday. After that we won’t see them until summer again. So in the summer I like to spend as much time with them as we can! And it’s not important enough for my SO’s family to get together during the week or on weekends in the fall/winter when we don’t see my family as much, but all of the sudden, its time to spend a weekend with my family and his family puts all this pressure on him to stay and hang out with them all weekend. And he wants to hang out with them as well all of the sudden. The worst part is that my parents are really easy going so they don’t get upset or bent out of shape when their weekend plans are altered around my SO’s family. And that just makes it worse for me because my SO uses that as an excuse to get away with bailing on them at the last minute.
After our argument about the family topic this weekend I realized it is just another example of the way that I don’t really feel respected in my relationship. I am also pretty easy going and I feel like my SO uses that to their advantage. They bail on me last minute. Or make plans with their friends/family without asking me, just assuming I’ll come along. And just other little things that are starting to add up and become more clear in my head. I make sure to be quiet when I come in while they are sleeping, but the same is not reciprocated. If I am in a bad mood, I workout or go for a walk or talk to a friend to cheer myself up, while they just make me put up with the bad mood because they are hungry or tired or had a bad day at work. They constantly talk about how we make a good team and how we need to be on the same team and anyone else can eff off. But this team talk only comes up when its about my friends or family.
I’m going to have a conversation tonight to lay this all out on the table, but I need some advise. We live together and I want to give them some time and space to think it over and to see how they respond. I have a bunch of friends that I could easily stay with, and a part of me really wants to have the conversation, and then go stay with a friend for a few days so my SO can really think it over and see if he makes any changes. Another part of me thinks that is too harsh of an option and I should just stay there but be serious about the changes.
I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet as I really believe this is just a learned behavior. I haven’t really brought this up before like this. A little here and a little there, but it all just sort of dawned on me after this argument. I do believe that they are not completely aware that they are acting this way and I hope bringing attention to it will change it.
We have been together for 1.5 years and are considering engagement, marriage, etc. I’m not sure if I am just freaking out about that as it all gets a little more real, or if now that it is more real I am seeing things more clearly. I could really use any help with whether I should stay with a friend for a couple of days or what to do to make this more clear that I will not be disrespected in a relationship.