Post # 1
I know this is long but i’d appreciate if you could read on and help me!
Last year a friend I’m reasonably close with got engaged. We went out, I got her a gift and chatted lots about her wedding. One month later Fiance proposed. I already knew friend’s wedding date was mid August. Fiance and I could only realistically get married in the summer too as I’m a teacher. It meant we had a year to save up and meant we could go on honeymoon during the summer too. I knew this meant that our date was going to be close to friend’s but I tried my hardest to get a date after hers, even though she might not be able to come to my wedding as she’d be on honeymoon. I know she can be a bit fussy like that, so I didn’t want to piss her off.
Anyway, long story short, after Future Mother-In-Law (see previous posts by me) declared that her family could not attend any wedding we had until the very end July and being on a strict budget, not being able to get a saturday ANYWHERE during the summer months and my sister’s wedding close by too, we ended up having to get a Friday date at the end of July. I talked to her, explained what had happened and she seemed fine with it.
Now comes the killer problem. Fiance is ending his current 2 year training this August at a law firm. We had booked our honeymoon for after friend’s wedding but his new dept are frowning on him for taking leave at the end of his contract. Apparently he has been told not to do it by his new boss. FI is refusing to get into trouble for the sake of going to the wedding of someone he’s never met (friend) and I might argue with him but he is shortly interviewing for a job with the same firm and doesn’t want to have any bad blood. We can re arrange our honeymoon (with a little expense) but then the only time we can go has to be straight after our own wedding and means I’ll miss her wedding entirely. I feel like a bitch. I’m not going on her hen do (bachelorette) because her friend asked anyone going to pay £300 for a 2 day trip and I can’t afford that much, my wedding is before hers and now I possibly can’t even go to her wedding. I don’t even know how to to tell her because I feel like a bad friend but also, that I have to put FI’s job prospects first. What would you say to her / do?
Post # 3
@ticatica: I would be completely honest with her. If she’s a friend, she’ll understand. I’m sure she’ll be disappointed that you won’t be there, but if it’s a matter of your FI’s job (when it comes down to it), I’m sure she’ll understand. We missed a friend’s wedding because we were on our honeymoon and she understood. I mean, when it comes down to it, I would really only have seen her for a few minutes during the reception, it’s not like we were going to have any long and deep conversation that evening 😉 I ended up spending an evening with her afterward watching her wedding video, looking at the photos, etc. It was really nice to talk with her about her wedding and have her explain the different cultural elements and traditions I hadn’t seen before.
Post # 4
Ok. You’ve made me feel a bit better 🙂 I kinda know what I have to do but I feel awful doing it! I’d love to be there but I don’t think we can. Thanks for the reply 🙂
Post # 5
I agree with the pp, be totally honest. It’s nothing you’ve done on purpose, it’s just crappy circumstances.
Post # 6
I think I’d just be honest with her. But it’s honestly not your fault! It’s just one of those things.
I am surprised about you FIs company though, I didn’t know they could make demands like that. If he doesn’t take his holiday, they’ll still have to give him the holiday pay. Could that be an option? Then you could go on honeymoon at the same time as your friend.
Post # 7
Thank you 🙂 We can’t take a honeymoon at the same time as my friend as that’s when he’s been told to stick around. I’m really annoyed to be honest as they initally ok’ed his holiday but that was a different dept. He’s struggling to get a job tbh and the idea of emigrating has just fallen through so I don’t want to make things even more difficult. I’ve written her an e mail as I won’t see her in person for a while. Lets see what happens…
ugh….wedding sh*t is tough!
Post # 8
I agree with the other Bee’s and say be completley honest with her. You have tried everything you could to make it work out, but it’s just not happening! You guys can’t sacrifice jobs for one day. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand! Don’t beat yourself up over this, you’ve done everything you possibly can.
Post # 9
She is sending you an invitation, not a summons. It means she would like to you attend, not that you have to. You are free to decline an invitation for any reason, from I just don’t feel like it, to I don’t go out when the moon isn’t a crescent shape, to I like to eat bananas at every meal and there are no bananas available at the wedding. You can choose to stay home if you like.
Talk to your friend and tell her now that it won’t work out, and that you are sorry you won’t be able to attend her wedding.
Post # 10
Look, she might be pissed off, I mean, probably will if you’re getting very anxious about telling her, but you’re only human. I guess if I was in this situation, I would be annoyed just because I really loved celebrating with everyone on my day – however, life is life. Pick up and move on. It’s ONE DAY – in fact, one of my friend’s got married in May and the wedding was out of state. Technically, as far as my schedule with school, I could’ve gone, but the money just wasn’t worth it to me. In the end, I’m SO glad I made the choice that was right for me. She had a lot of other friends there, I knew my presence wasn’t going to be missed (the 2 seconds I would’ve said hello to her?) and it wasn’t worth the whole trip for just the ONE DAY – I have the rest of our lives to be her friend in every other aspect that I can manage financially, physically, emotionally, etc.
@bakerella: That to me seems so much more meaningful than anything else (the going over to her house bit)! Honestly, that would mean so much to me to be able to do that with some of my friends about their weddings and mine.