(Closed) Feel like FI is belittling me …

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well, everyone deserves that their feelings are valid and that they are BEING validated. You don’t have to agree with someone’s feelings in order to validate what they feel. It’s disrespectful to tell someone to calm down or relax when they are mad in my opinon. So I think it’s valid that you’re pissed. Also as a woman, someitmes you just need to vent! And men like to be like “calm down, just do this”. You don’t want his commentary or solutions, just an ear, he could understand that I’m sure!

Post # 5
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Galang_Gyal:  Well, by saying that, he IS belittling you. So which is it! BOYS!

Post # 6
Member
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I get the feeling like you’re not allowed to be upset. There have been certain situations where I by rights should have been upset with Fiance, but he was so upset with himself for his actions that I had to focus on calming him instead of dealing with my own emotions. We had a talk about how when he goes off the deep end like that I feel like I’m not able to be upset which isn’t fair to me. We haven’t had any situations like that since we had that talk.

I think what might be happening is miscommunication between you and your Fiance. He probably thinks that he is being supportive when he says those things and like it’s his job to calm you down because when you’re venting obviously you’re not happy and his job is to keep you happy (this is how my Fiance thinks). Then when you complain about him being supportive (in his eyes) he acts like you’re nuts because who doesn’t want a supportive FI?

I totally understand why you feel like those phrases are condescending. Perhaps what you need to talk about with him is not that he supports you, but that he changes the way he listens to and responds to your venting. Maybe try to make him see that what he’s doing now is only offending you and try to think of some things he could say that would be supportive but not offensive. He might not realize that the phrases he is using make you feel like you can’t talk about your feelings with him.

Post # 9
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

2 words Break Up.  You two obviously don’t mesh well.  Don’t get me wrong loyalty, love, and friendship are really great in a relationship but how you to fight/argue can easily make or break the relationship.  Your argue tactics don’t work well with his plain and simple.  There is no sugar coating it.  You think he’s belittling you (and it is completely possible he is) while personally I don’t think he likes to get loud so he is merely trying to calm you down.  He probably just doesn’t like comfrontation, which isn’t good for the relationship.

Post # 10
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Galang_Gyal:  Sometimes I feel like my Fiance is trying to “talk me out of my grief” and tell me its no big deal….well it is to me im upset here

Basically I kinda know how you feel and find when I say things like hey babe can you just listen for a bit he does a better job of not really doing that. Maybe try saying in a nice way I need you to listen and not respond in a negative way.

Post # 11
Member
9 posts
Newbee

What you’re experiencing is absolutely frustrating and you certainly have a right to your feelings. However, your experience is a common one shared by many women when communicating with their husbands, Fiance, boyfriends, etc. Your Fiance isn’t intentionally looking to belittle you. The fact is, and I hate to say it but I ask that you think it over . . .his response is typically male and based upon the way men think and operate. Men are “fixers” and “problem-solvers.” When we “vent” they want to resolve it, fix it and be done with it. That’s simply how they operate. As women, we tend to be more analytical and yes, at times, more emotional. So we’re venting becuase it’s cathartic and provides us an opportunity to analyze the situation and our feelings about it. Since you can’t change him, you may want to adjust your approach to minimize your own frustration. I mainly vent to my girlfriends because they can more easily identify and empathize with me. However, when I’m seeking a direct solution to a problem I’m having, I talk to my Fiance. This helps to minimize the instances of frustration on my part because I’m not constantly asking him to operate in a way which is unnatural to him or to continuously use skills which frankly are not his strength. It may not work for you but I just thought I’d share     .

Post # 13
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Galang_Gyal:  I feel the exact same way sometime. It’s like he senses me having any negative emotion and his immediate reaction is to tell me to calm down (and in my mind, blame me for having these negative emotions) instead of actually addressing what I am upset/stressed/whatever about. I read this article awhile back and it struck a chord. I even forwarded it to the hubs to read in hopes he might understand where I’m coming from a little bit. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

Post # 15
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

oh girl i know how you feel. its like hes allowed to act like a fool when hes mad, but as soon as i’m upset its like “what are you mad about?” lol honestly i’d say pick your battles. A lot of times when i’m upset i’ll vent to a friend, or my journal. because 99% of the time i dont actually need advice, i just need to get it out. so i’d rather do it to someone who will listen, or like i said to my journal. just the nature of the beast; we women are great listeners, men not so much.

Post # 16
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Galang_Gyal:  Well I’m not sure he ever read it. I should probably go back and resend it. It seems to be getting a little better but it’s a work in progress.

I think he’s just very conflict adverse so his knee jerk reaction is to keep everything calm and avoid conflict. My reaction is to address an issue head on. So that’s where the rub is, it’s not that he’s a mean spirited person, and I’m sure your Fiance isn’t either!

The topic ‘Feel like FI is belittling me …’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors