(Closed) Feel like FI is belittling me …

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
682 posts
Busy bee

Reality in converstations, Women = Dramatic, Men = Calm  LOL 

Post # 19
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Galang_Gyal:  Ha, yeah well the situations he’s referring to in the articles are a fairly extreme example. But I think the general idea is the same. 

Post # 20
Member
4145 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I had posted this yesterday but it didn’t post i don’t think – If he’s willing to read a book, I would recommend you guys read John Gottmans 7 Principals for making marriage work. I made my DHread it with me before we got married and it was a great book. It talks about the things that break down marriages, how we all communicate differently, as individuals and as couples, it gives a lot of good advice. Get a copy for ecah of you as there are some exercises in it that you want to be able to do invidially.

The other book that is a must read for EVERYone are the 5 Love Languages if you haven’t read that. It’s just really eye opening to see that everyone has different needs and just because you don’t understand how THEY work doesn’t mean its not valid.

Post # 21
Member
2748 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@jmaze:  It’s the opposite in my household. I hear ‘you’re my rock’ at least once a week :P. Fiance goes from miffed to super emotional really easily while I’m the logical one who ignores my emotions in the heat of the moment in favor of finding a solution (I can always be upset later once things are taken care of).

Post # 23
Member
4145 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Galang_Gyal:  One thing I REALLY appreciated about the 7 principles, is that in the very first chapter he basically says, everyone fights differently, Some people scream and yell, some people are quiet, etc… None of them are right or wrong or mean your relationship is doomed. I appreciated that because I felt like the way we fought was going to ruin our relaitonship one day, and it helped me realize that it wasn’t the way we fought in and of itself but everything else that we felt, things we said, and how we handled each other. Kind of gave me peice of mind that we weren’t doomed just cause we lose our tempers sometimes 🙂

Post # 25
Member
4145 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Galang_Gyal:  here are links for the two books:

Post # 26
Member
4145 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh and, if I have any advice it would be not to borrow copies from friends. We borrowed DH’s sister and husband’s copy and he was totally creeped out by seeing their long languages and their answers to the survey LOL! Like his Brother-In-Law checked the box that said his love language is physical touch. DH was like EEEWWWWW!!!!!  hahaha I’m dying laughing just thinking about it!

Post # 27
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Galang_Gyal:  My SO does the same thing to me and it’s so annoying. Basically I call him out on it every single time and just “let it go.”  I just tell him it hurts my feelings and that he really needed to stop doing it. He has gotten much better about it.

When I look at the big picture, it’s not a big deal. When it happens it doesn’t last long and it never starts an argument. If it did I guess it would be a major issue.

Post # 28
Member
8409 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Galang_Gyal:  What if you tried this: while you’re in a calm good mood, tell him you appreciate that he wants to calm you down, but that what you really NEED from him is to support you in your anger. Ask him — phrase it as a question: “Will you let me be upset when I need to be upset?” Explain that if you’re ever mad at him, you’ll let him know and will try to talk calmly in that situation, but that when you’re mad at something other than him, it would mean the world if he would let you express that anger — hell, maybe he could even be angry with you! If you’re pissed off at the cable company, instead of him saying “calm down, you’re blowing it out of proportion”, why can’t he agree with you and say “yeah, those f-ing late-ass, not-showing-up-on-time bastards!!!!” Give him that example  and see what he says. Even if he agrees, he’ll probably screw up a few times out of habit, just just remind him without freaking out: “I’m allowed to be mad, will you please support me while I ride this out?”

If he grew up in an abusive (or even just really loud) home, he might be very sensitive  to yelling, crying, and general upsetness. They could trigger real distress. If that is the case, it would probably mean a lot to him if you try to stay conscious of your behavior and minimize those triggers as much as you can while still expressing your negative feelings. Which are perfectly normal. So in short, talk to each other and ask for what you need. The more you do it, the easier it gets!

Best wishes!

Post # 29
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Galang_Gyal:  I get that you’re frustrated right now, but based on your post, I have to wonder if you tend to have a volatile response when you get upset.  You said “half the time” you’re not even “hyped.”  So the other half the time you react with cursing, yelling?  (Not being accusatory, just throwing it out there, so if I’m wrong feel free to disregard).  If that’s the case, being told to “calm down” or “stop yelling” isn’t completely off-base.

I think the best thing you can do is sit down with him and put your expecations out on the table… BOTH of your expecations of one another.  Clearly, you want him to listen to you when you need to vent.  And it sounds like he wants you to react more appropriately.  Both of your desires are warranted and understandable.  That said, you both need to acknowledge what the other person wants, realize it’s reasonable, and commit to giving it to each other.

I’m not condoning his behavior, I think he could handle it much better (i.e. “Galang, I’m sorry you are upset and I’m happy to listen… but it’s difficult for me to have a conversation with you when you’re yelling.  Can we calm down and talk this out?”).  Being disregarded and dismissed is upsetting, ESPECIALLY when you’re already in an emotional state.  But you have to try to see things from his perspective too.  Relationships are a two way street!  And fortunately, they are a work in progess.  So talk this out with him.  Best of luck!

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