- 9 years ago
Reality in converstations, Women = Dramatic, Men = Calm LOL
Reality in converstations, Women = Dramatic, Men = Calm LOL
I had posted this yesterday but it didn’t post i don’t think – If he’s willing to read a book, I would recommend you guys read John Gottmans 7 Principals for making marriage work. I made my DHread it with me before we got married and it was a great book. It talks about the things that break down marriages, how we all communicate differently, as individuals and as couples, it gives a lot of good advice. Get a copy for ecah of you as there are some exercises in it that you want to be able to do invidially.
The other book that is a must read for EVERYone are the 5 Love Languages if you haven’t read that. It’s just really eye opening to see that everyone has different needs and just because you don’t understand how THEY work doesn’t mean its not valid.
@jmaze: It’s the opposite in my household. I hear ‘you’re my rock’ at least once a week :P. Fiance goes from miffed to super emotional really easily while I’m the logical one who ignores my emotions in the heat of the moment in favor of finding a solution (I can always be upset later once things are taken care of).
@MsJ2theZ: Cool, I hadn’t heard of that book. I will look into it after we finish the book we’re reading now. I heard about the 5 Love Languages but hadn’t picked it up yet. That’s definitely something I want to pick up too. I think it would be good for both of us. Thanks!
@Galang_Gyal: One thing I REALLY appreciated about the 7 principles, is that in the very first chapter he basically says, everyone fights differently, Some people scream and yell, some people are quiet, etc… None of them are right or wrong or mean your relationship is doomed. I appreciated that because I felt like the way we fought was going to ruin our relaitonship one day, and it helped me realize that it wasn’t the way we fought in and of itself but everything else that we felt, things we said, and how we handled each other. Kind of gave me peice of mind that we weren’t doomed just cause we lose our tempers sometimes 🙂
Oh and, if I have any advice it would be not to borrow copies from friends. We borrowed DH’s sister and husband’s copy and he was totally creeped out by seeing their long languages and their answers to the survey LOL! Like his Brother-In-Law checked the box that said his love language is physical touch. DH was like EEEWWWWW!!!!! hahaha I’m dying laughing just thinking about it!
@Galang_Gyal: My SO does the same thing to me and it’s so annoying. Basically I call him out on it every single time and just “let it go.” I just tell him it hurts my feelings and that he really needed to stop doing it. He has gotten much better about it.
When I look at the big picture, it’s not a big deal. When it happens it doesn’t last long and it never starts an argument. If it did I guess it would be a major issue.
@Galang_Gyal: What if you tried this: while you’re in a calm good mood, tell him you appreciate that he wants to calm you down, but that what you really NEED from him is to support you in your anger. Ask him — phrase it as a question: “Will you let me be upset when I need to be upset?” Explain that if you’re ever mad at him, you’ll let him know and will try to talk calmly in that situation, but that when you’re mad at something other than him, it would mean the world if he would let you express that anger — hell, maybe he could even be angry with you! If you’re pissed off at the cable company, instead of him saying “calm down, you’re blowing it out of proportion”, why can’t he agree with you and say “yeah, those f-ing late-ass, not-showing-up-on-time bastards!!!!” Give him that example and see what he says. Even if he agrees, he’ll probably screw up a few times out of habit, just just remind him without freaking out: “I’m allowed to be mad, will you please support me while I ride this out?”
If he grew up in an abusive (or even just really loud) home, he might be very sensitive to yelling, crying, and general upsetness. They could trigger real distress. If that is the case, it would probably mean a lot to him if you try to stay conscious of your behavior and minimize those triggers as much as you can while still expressing your negative feelings. Which are perfectly normal. So in short, talk to each other and ask for what you need. The more you do it, the easier it gets!
@Galang_Gyal: I get that you’re frustrated right now, but based on your post, I have to wonder if you tend to have a volatile response when you get upset. You said “half the time” you’re not even “hyped.” So the other half the time you react with cursing, yelling? (Not being accusatory, just throwing it out there, so if I’m wrong feel free to disregard). If that’s the case, being told to “calm down” or “stop yelling” isn’t completely off-base.
I think the best thing you can do is sit down with him and put your expecations out on the table… BOTH of your expecations of one another. Clearly, you want him to listen to you when you need to vent. And it sounds like he wants you to react more appropriately. Both of your desires are warranted and understandable. That said, you both need to acknowledge what the other person wants, realize it’s reasonable, and commit to giving it to each other.
I’m not condoning his behavior, I think he could handle it much better (i.e. “Galang, I’m sorry you are upset and I’m happy to listen… but it’s difficult for me to have a conversation with you when you’re yelling. Can we calm down and talk this out?”). Being disregarded and dismissed is upsetting, ESPECIALLY when you’re already in an emotional state. But you have to try to see things from his perspective too. Relationships are a two way street! And fortunately, they are a work in progess. So talk this out with him. Best of luck!
@MsJ2theZ: Thanks for the links and LOL at your husband getting grossed out!! That is too funny
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