Post # 1
Over the past few weeks I’ve been getting the feeling that my fiance’s family could care less that we are getting married.
My future Mother-In-Law refused to attend my shower until one of her friends told her it was rude not to since she is the mother of the groom and all.
His grandmother is still refusing to, beause it is not being held where she lives (we don’t live there and neither do any other family members).
His side of the family isn’t have any type of recognition celebration of our wedding (no shower, engagement party, nothing). I’m not after the gifts or anything like that, but it is important to me to fit into my new family and I feel as though they are brushing aside our marriage. They all travel 3+ hours for 8th grade graduation parties and confirmations – I don’t get it.
My future Mother-In-Law doesn’t want to invite anyone to the wedding and neither do her parents. My family is so excited and wants to share the day with the people who have been a part of my life since childhood.
I don’t know now to take any of this, it just feels bad. I would love to get some other opinions and/or hear someone whose famiily in law is similar.
Post # 3
I’m sorry that they aren’t as enthusiastic as you would like.
Do you not have a good relationship with them?
Maybe they need time to warm up to the idea?
It is a sucky situation…
Post # 4
@Miss Yoga Pants: You know your Future Mother-In-Law better than any of us, if you had to pinpoint one reason that she may be acting this way towards you, what would it be? I am not saying that she is treating you right, but if you had to imagine why she could be feeling this way, what would her reasoning be?
Post # 5
Weddings can bring out weird emotions in people somtimes, and I can understand why you feel disappointed.
Have you brought this up to FI? Typically speaking, your shower etc is thrown by your bridal party, so maybe they don’t know how to help? Have you tried including your Future Mother-In-Law for something small even, like the flowers or the music? Sometimes people just sort of hang back and wait for the bride to decide how they want to include them….
Post # 6
I have decided to revel in the excitement of my friends and (real) loved ones and not waste time on IL side.
My Dad made a great point a while ago about the fact that chasing after people who are being a**holes (really, they are) and trying to make things great with them is an insult to the people who are there with you 100% of the way already. It is not to say if they change their mind and want involvement you can’t then be up for working with them, but if you have made efforts and been rejected, don’t spend more time trying to get in with them that you could be spending rewarding the people who love you as you are 🙂
He has the odd good nugget!
Post # 7
Is it something against you/your fiance? Or is she not a wedding person? I’m just hoping is not too bad…
Post # 8
If you do bring this up to your Fiance, I really wouldn’t mention anything that you did here until the point about the guest list.
Parties: You say you don’t want them to throw parties for you for the gifts, but anyone who hears that you’re upset they aren’t throwing you showers and engagement parties will only hear that you want gifts. It’s just not something that comes out right if you try to say that you expected it from them. I can somewhat understand his family not coming if they truly believed it was just a bride’s thing for her and her family. That doesn’t make it the case, but not every family has the same shower traditions, so I give some wiggle room here.
Travel: Both things you said his family travels for are related to kids. Do they simply value the events in the lives of children more than two grown adults? It may not be something that gets you all excited, but just keep it in mind that your kids will benefit if you choose to have any. My grandmother who is very wealthy and travels all over the world won’t come see me. She just won’t unless it’s for a really big event like college graduation. Meanwhile, she visits my sister and brother twice a year. It took me a while to figure out that it’s because she places a higher value on them because they have children she can be involved with, whereas visiting me and my guy just doesn’t rank the same on her priority list since we’re adults. If we have a kid while she’s still able to travel, I know she’ll be here.
Guests: This, to me, is the weirdest thing in the whole situation. Even then, I can think of circumstances where it’s not completely odd. If you and your guy made up a first draft of a guest list that just happened to be thorough for everyone she would have invited, then there’s no one else to put on the list. If, on the other hand, she told you flat out that she doesn’t want to contribute to creating the guest list, that’s a sign of hostility.
As others have said, you know the situation better than anyone on here. Is there a rational explanation for any of the behavior, or are there clear signs that the in-laws are going to be hostile to you joining the family? If you discuss this with your guy, you should have all your evidence to the latter ready to go because you are going to be complaining about the people who raised him, so he might be a little defensive.
Post # 9
I know how you feel. My future Mother-In-Law “plays nice” in front of everyone to save face, but she is so passive aggressive to me, and so is her daughter. Both of them are both so mean to me and make me feel terrible.
Post # 10
Sorry you’re having to deal with the nonsense. I agree with LibertyBelle about not mentioning anything except the guest list. Children are definitely motivators so that could certainly be the reason. This sounds crazy, but some families are much more supportive of events in female family members’ lives than are for events/milestones in the lives of male family members. Do some reflecting and if you honestly don’t feel you have done anything to offend them, mention it in the context of the guest list to your fiance and let him deal with it with his family. I think it’s even ok to be honest about how it makes you feel as opposed to acting like it’s no big deal. If doesn’t address it with them, let it go. After all, he knows them much better than you do. I can imagine how much this is bothering you, but this just isn’t the time in your life to stress over anything you can’t control. Take care.