Post # 1
I am 22, getting married in August and turning 23 in October. I have graduated from college and now work a full time 9-5 job, and live with my fiancé who is 30. We are both financially independent, and he also works a regular full time day job. He is older and most of his friends are in the same place as us (working, married, getting pregnant, etc).
all of my friends are between 21 and 23, almost all of them still live at home with their parents, half of them are still in school, and none of them work regular full time jobs. I am the first of my girlfriends to be getting married, and since graduating and starting my job, and now with wedding planning on top of it, I have had less time to see my friends. When I do, the only thing they want to do is go out late to the bars and party. Don’t get me wrong, once in awhile I love having a girls night out like that, but I’m not a big drinker and for the most part, the bar and club scene is not my thing. My job is somewhat stressful and demanding, and after adding in house chores and other errands, my fiancé and I are usually in bed by 11:00. We like to laugh at how tired we are when we try to stay out late and end up wishing we were cuddled up at home with a movie instead 🙂
anyway, I am extremely happy and have no regrets about where I am at this point in my life. However, ever since I got engaged, it seems like all of my friends are in a different place from me and I get the feeling that it’s “me soon to be married boring adult” against my “still single and crazy” girlfriends. This is the feeling I get from how they treat me, not how I feel myself. Has anyone else experienced this, and had distance open up between friends when you were the first one to get married in your group?
how did you deal with it, and did your friends maintain their relationship with you even if you were in a different place from them?
Post # 3
Sorry! There were paragraphs before ;P
Post # 4
I’m so glad you wrote this, because I’m going through the same thing. Granted, I am 24, but in my group of friends (all law, med, and other grad students), this age is considered really young, and Fiance and I are the ONLY people in our group that are even close to marriage.
We have found that what works is really trying to stay on their level by joining them on as many group events as possible. We don’t get drunk, we just try to go out with them on most weekends to show that we’re still “us.” That way, we’re kind of showing that we aren’t going to turn into their parents or downplay their relationships and problems just because we’re getting married and super future-focused.
By no means do you “have” to go to bars all the time if it’s not your thing, but I’d definitely try to accept more invitations than you turn down. It keeps you young, in any case 🙂
Post # 5
@CandieC88: thank you for the response! Yes, I know you’re right. And it’s not that I hate bars by any means, I do like getting dressed up and being around a ton of people when I can, I think it just worries me more that my friends don’t understand things like having to think about waking up early the next morning, or not getting wasted because I have lunch with the in laws the next day. I definitely need to make the effort to accept more invites so they don’t think I’m a completely different person than I was a year ago. I know after the craziness of wedding planning is over, things will get back to being more normal, I just have to hang in there until then!
Post # 6
yep! I’m almost 26 and going through this still..have been since about 24 or so. It’s just part of life, you guys will make new friends separately and together. It’s a tough transition because even if you still want to go out with your single girls sometimes, they do treat you differently because you’re not going out with them all the time. I for one have officially reached an age where bars are not appealing whatsoever – whether I drink or not, 9 times out of 10 I am hating every second. Maybe you guys could do less bar stuff and more laid back atmosphere – think wine bar or even just a smaller quieter bar. Part of what I hate is the crowded, smelly bar with drunk people falling all over you. I have a much better time at a bar where I’m sitting at a table and can actually talk to my friends!
Post # 7
I can tell you that as someone who is 30 and just got married, your friends you have now will come and go for the rest of your life and it will probably start when you get married. It will also happen as people have kids, or other life changes, its just kind of how things go. I’m not saying you are getting married too young, you’re the only one that can decide that. But you are getting married young compared to a large number of people, especially being fresh (I’m assuming) out of college. Most people I knew didn’t get married until they were around 26, and most of my friends actually just got married in the last year. It’s hard to have friends not understand where you are in life when they are in the place THEY are at, but honestly you will start to meet more married people, and you will make other friends, and keep some of the old friends, and thing will work out the way they should. Had I gotten married at 22 I definitely would have been the odd ball out. if they are treating you like a leper because you are getting married and moving in a different direction than you, then so be it. They won’t understand until they are actually getting married or in serious relationships themselves.
Post # 8
@CountryBee13: I guess i would be in your friends shoes more so than yours. at your age i was traveling, teaching, and exp[loring myself. I have friends who settled down early but that wasn’t for me.
We remained friends but they never really knew where i was. Even when I came back to america for grad school they were shocked and impressed that I was getting a phd and had all of these experiences under my belt. Now ten years after highschool I have caught up with them in terms of marriage and stuff but had so many more experiences.
I think if you want retaining the relationships without it being awkward should be easy. You just all have to be realistic about what the other likes to do and find some common ground. Also it isn;t like you have to talk often to stay great friends. When i was on the other side of the world i’d talk to friends five or six times a year if we were lucky!
Post # 9
I’m having the same problems with some of my single friends…
One girlfriend just loves going out from party-to-party and getting completely wasted every weekend. I rarely see her at all anymore. She flakes on me all the time.
One of our close guy friends has been single for the past 5 years, and doesn’t think the work of a relationship is “worth it.” And he makes fun of us because he says sh*t like I’m “legally obligated” to always agree with my boyfriend, and my boyfriend is “legally obligated” to agree with me. It pisses me off when he says stuff like that.
We have 2 friends who are dating each other, but they’re really casual about their relationship, and they make fun of the boyfriend and I, whenever we talk about marriage. I HATE that. Not all of us want to be dating forever; some of us actually would like to settle down, get married, and have kids, and there’s NOTHING WRONG with that.
I feel like all of my friends are just slowly falling away.
Post # 10
It happens to everyone. It’s just a normal part of your 20s. You evolve so much as a person that a lot of friendships fall to the wayside! It’s actually, I believe, the #1 cause of bridesmaid drama: the bride that is mid-20s or younger picks the bridesmaid that she “was so so close with” in college, high school, whatever, but hasn’t been as close to the last 6-12 months as she’s rapidly evolved, and BAM, the “How do I politely kick disinterested bridesmaid out of my wedding?” threads ensue.
So, take heart, OP, and remember that it’s totally normal, and you’ll find wonderful friends who are on the same path as you, and life gets so much more stable and awesome as you approach 30 :-).
Post # 11
@CountryBee13: I think it is ridiculous to just accept that you will lose friends because you’re getting married. Your relationships may have to change but if you are all committed and value each other you can work it out.
Post # 12
Even if you don’t go out out, is there a dinner or predrink you can go to? As I’ve gotten older, I’d say my groups have transitioned to half the people only coming for the first half. Also, figure out who you actually care about in your friend group, ie. who do you actually connect with, vs who do you hang out with because you’re both invited to the same events, and then make an extra effort with that first group. Meet for lunches, coffees, shopping dates, etc. So long as they feel like you’re putting in an effort and still care, it won’t matter whether it’s once a week or once a month. Yes, you’ll drift apart comparatively, but so long as you put in the effort to maintain a friendship, you’ll get closer to some of them again as they start shifting to the place you are in life.
Post # 13
This is the story of my life right now, exact same situation except Fiance is grad school too so sometimes he doesn’t even understand. Replying so I can follow the thread!
Post # 14
I have the opposite problem! I am turning 24 this year and most of my friends are either married, engaged or have children and life with their SO. While I am living the ‘crazy singleton life’ even though I have a SO of 2 years.
The best thing to do is to keep in touch with friends. It’s not like you can’t go out and see your friends anymore now that you will be married. If you had kids it would be harder, but being married should still allow you some time to see friends on ocasion.
Don’t be afraid to plan girls nights or go out to see movies or have dinner and catch up. Even a cup of coffee with a friend is good.
Most of your friend will probably be hitting that stage of their lives soon anyway! So it’s not like you will be completely out of friends!
Post # 15
@crayfish: You’re a genuis! That’s so true. Resonated for me, not with bridesmaids, but with FH and his best man. They were ‘so close’ in high school, but over the last 5 years have completely drifted apart. FH is now family man with mortgage, two kids etc, while his best man is all about getting drunk and being an idiot. He’s really let FH down, and I think your wee analysis is exactly the reason why.
Post # 16
We are in a similar situation. I’m 20 and FH is almost 22. We live in big college towns, still in school and all our friends are too. But we would much rather be at home watching movies than out with all of them. Once in a blue moon FH will feel like he’s missing something by not going with them, so I suggest we go out the next night and we remember exactlyy why we would rather stay in! lol It does suck to lose friends over it, but they will grow up and settle down. None of them have serious relationships and don’t understand why we don’t want to go get wasted and pass out at random people houses lol My friends are more understanding than his, and I don’t expect them to be “all grown up” now, but it does suck to not me as close.