Post # 1
I have been on Weddingbee for about a year now. I used it to plan my wedding and since we were married I’ve been lurking around the TTC and pregnancy boards a little bit. The prupose of this post isn’t to solicite advice, although I’m happy to hear it! I guess I just feel discouraged and need to vent and from what I’ve read on the TTC/Pregnancy boards, the Bee seems to be a pretty supportive environment.
We were married in September 2012 and although we’re not TTC yet, I’m definitely suffering from baby fever at times. I go back and forth between feeling ready and feeling pressure because of my age. I’ll be 32 this year. I’m a paediatric nurse which has exposed me (read: scared the hell out of me) to the multitude of congenital issues that children can have. I’ve always wanted to have kids before I was 35, more for me and having the energy etc. to deal with them than the fear of the increased risks of having a baby later in life. However, lately I’m feeling the pressure of approaching my self-inflicted cut off date.
In a lot of ways we’re ready. Our major issue is feeling financially comfortable enough to have kids. We would like to own a house before we have a baby. Lately, it sort of feels like the things we want/need to do before we TTC are just not going to happen within the timeline.
We paid for the wedding by saving the money for it and have no wedding debt. However, I have a huge student loan debt that I’m working away at, but will take forever to pay off. My Darling Husband is still paying the last of his student loan (although he’s almost there). We have some other debt that we work away at each month, paying more than the minimum. We’re on the right track, but sometimes it’s daunting.
We live in Toronto, Canada so housing is ridiculously expensive. There are times where it seems impossible to pay off some of the debt, save for a downpayment and buy a house and TTC before I turn 35. There’s also the fear that once we start trying we will have problems. It’s overwhelming.
Recently a few of our friends have had babies, started TTC, bought houses, become pregnant etc and while I’m so happy for them, I can’t help but feel like we’re never going to be in a place where it will happen for us. Anyone else feel this way?
Thanks for reading!
Post # 3
@Poptarts: I can’t really relate as I am pretty young still, but I think it goes for everyone that you are never really truly “ready” for a baby. I think all people just make do once they do get pregnant, if everyone waited until they had the perfect amount of money, the perfect house, the perfect vehicle, etc., we would have a lot less babies around!
I was lucky enough to meet the love of my life 2.5 years ago and marry him this summer. We were both 23 at the time. I am probably not in an “ideal” time to have a baby by any means, as I am still in medical school, we don’t own a house yet, etc. etc. But we do have health insurance and a little money saved–that combined with both of us having severe baby crazies, and I also have always feared infertility problems, we just decided to go for it, that way we would have plenty of time if we did end up needing any medical assistance. If I waited until the “perfect” time to get pregnant, it would be when I was about 35, and I really didn’t want to wait that long, either. I think with a baby you just make do no matter when they come. Plus, I know our baby won’t have all brand new stuff at all because we are young and not “well off” financially by any means, but I don’t think babies really care too much about sleeping in a new or a gently used crib or a house or an apartment, all they care about is if their mom & dad love them. 🙂
Bottom line–I wouldn’t put an exact date or age on being the perfect time to TTC. I wouldn’t let factors such as buying a house stop you from having a baby if you feel ready otherwise. Then again, if you chose to wait, there are plenty of women that have perfectly healthy babies well into their late 30’s and 40’s. My mom had 4 kids when she was above the age of 35 (35, 36, and twins at 39). Again, there’s probably no perfect time to have kids for most people. Coming from a severely baby-crazed girl to another, I hope you decide to start trying sooner rather than later. 😉
Post # 4
I know the feeling of wanting to be financially comfortable before starting a family. Darling Husband and I have several thousand dollars in credit card debt that we’re slowly working on, we own a home but we don’t really like it and really want to move. Plus the cost of living is fairly high where we are. But we’re having a baby anyway because we felt like it was time. People make it work. Best of luck to you.
Post # 5
I always thought I would have a house before TTC, but my fiance is looking at a promotion in another year or so, and we don’t know where we’ll end up! So when we start trying after the wedding, we don’t know whether we’ll have a house or not when the baby is born!
Post # 6
@Poptarts: I think you should just go for it. It will never be the “perfect” time. A baby is only as expensive as you make it. Buy clothes from Wal-Mart vs. Baby GAP, don’t buy 50 stuffed animals, etc. It can be done.
It sounds like you both have good jobs and are smart with money and on the right track. You could always set a target date.. like a year from now… and say “ok, we’re cutting EVERYTHING out to make a real dent in our debt/save for down payment”. Like find a way to save a ton of money… make it a sort of game, with a big payoff (TTC, maybe buying a house etc.).
Could you move to a suburb like Milton or Mississauga?
Post # 7
I think the best thing to do is to start a fund and start putting money away for the baby now. It’s hard to come up with that money all at once. But eventually, you’ll just have to slowly start saving for it, so that when you are ready you won’t feel so overwhelmed and you’ll be able to afford it.
Post # 8
I know how you feel. I’ll be 32 this year, too. There were lots of things I wanted to do before kids — get more established in my career, buy a house and be settled. But, I’m worred if we wait for that to happen (realistically it will take 2+ years) we’ll miss our chance. So, we’re talking about just going for it. I’d rather have kids and a less perfect situation than an ideal situation and no baby. We’ll figure it out as we go. So will you!
Post # 9
Poptarts – I can completely relate. I’m 29 soon (DH is 31) and I feel like I’m sitting on a ticking time bomb. I appreciate I’m a *bit* younger than you but the situation is still the same.
I’ve got big student loan debt, DH has nearly cleared his. I’ve got 4 other bits of personal debt which I am aiming to be clear of by the summer which is great and I’m proud of but there is no way we can get our finances straight and save for a house (UK prices are nuts too) all before I want kids – and I want to start trying to concieve asap (in the next year) .
This whole dilemma takes me around and round in circles of emotions, and even some times I just think, if I didn’t have kids all the other things I stress about would disappear! but the truth is I do want children and like you I don’t want to wait too long, until something goes wrong or I “run out of time” and its only in the past few weeks that I’ve started to come to acceptance that I won’t achieve all I want before children come along, it’s just not possible, but I’ll do the best I can. Life happens and all we can do is prepare, having a house and paying of your debt is no g’tee to anything and it could all be taken away from you anyway.
I don’t really like the phrase “If you waited until your financially ready to have children, you’d never have them” because it makes it sound like you can be irresponsible and just have children regardless of your financial status, I do believe in waiting until I can resonably afford them- there’s not perfect time to have children, but there are better.
So for me I’ve decided, to set a date to when I want to TTC and a loose goal I want to have hit with our finances. If I have some debt paid off and a bit a side for getting the baby bits together without it getting into more debt then I can only go from there.
Good luck on your ttc journey!
Post # 10
Just a sympathetic chime. I’m in TTC mode because my age trumps financial security. We are stable generally and have only a small amount of debt but I’m the primary earner and I would’ve liked to have had a nest before trying. It just didn’t work out that way. And honestly, you can get by with a condo/apartment with a baby. It’s only when they’re a bit older that it’s hard. There are lots of cute blogs to do with city living + baby if you google for ’em.
I know we’re sometimes told that the ideal is the perfect family in the wee house but there’s nothing wrong with renting until you can save up a down payment. We might be able to find ourselves a larger (owned) place but that would only be with my family’s help.
I wish I had been able to start TTC earlier than I have now. It’s taking longer than I expected at 34 (nearing 35).