Post # 1
I’m using a new account since I’m a usual poster and I’m a little ashamed for posting this.
My Darling Husband is a full time student and works almost the same and I understand he’s under a lot of stress. I’m a housewife and the past week or so we’ve been at each other’s throats. If I try to give him advice about what to do in certain situations at work or school he blows up and says I have 0 right to say anything since I haven’t experienced it and don’t have a job…go to school…etc. He throws that he has a 3.7 GPA (at a prestigious university) and isn’t used to speaking with uneducated “school girls” like me, only fellow engineers and the like. Last night I went for a walk while he was on campus (we were fighting and we agreed to meet each other later) Well, the park is quite big and it took a while for me to catch up to his car. When I got home I discovered he left me a message on my cell (that I left at home) saying I’m just avoiding him to piss him off and that “If I was smart, I would be walking home…if I was smart…” When he goes on his rampages I don’t feel anything. He’ll scream at me for hours and say horrible things about me, but I feel zero emotion. Afterward I just feel an intense ache in my chest. This is just the most recent incident,
It’s not abnormal for him to blow up like this…it’s been going on for a while, but now I feel it’s getting out of hand. He has a history of being verbally/ physically abused by his parents and he has been going to couseling and getting to understand himself better. He has never threatened me like that before. Last night he said I have problems and that he won’t talk to me until I go to couseling (which I have been seriously thinking about). A few nights ago in bed he thought I said something different than I did and punched me in the arm. I brush stuff like that off and say it’s normal. I was also abused by my mother emotionally growing up and I’m hurt to discover he makes me feel the same pain/ emptiness (if that makes sense) that she made me feel for so long.
I feel like a horrible person. I feel like this is my fault for turning a saint like man into this screaming monster. Everyone that has been close to me has done this so I must be the issue here. I bring out the worst in people. I think of myself as a supportive and intensly loyal wife, but maybe my perception is way off. Deep down I KNOW this is innaprpriate behavior, but I don’t think I deserve anything else. Even if I was with someone else they would treat me the same. I tried telling my mother about this, but she’s not the best person to talk to about relationships. She married her current husband so that we wouldn’t be homeless and puts up with his abuse b/c he takes care of her. So her advice is going to be the same.
I guess my point in writing this is to get an unbiased views on the situation. I appreciate any comments:)
Edit: I’m so sorry it was so long, but thank you for reading. It’s hard to get my thoughts straight…
Post # 3
*hugs* I hope you’re feeling a bit better… your situation sounds really tough.
From what you wrote, I would say that his rages are in no relation to what you were saying/doing. It seems more like very counter-productive behavior that he should definitely try to get a grip on.
Is there a specific reason as to why you don’t work? Maybe contributing more to the household would even out the playing field a bit – and give him an opportunity to give you advice on work (becuase advcie on housework probably isn’t his area of interest)…
Post # 4
Honey, don’t blame yourself!!!!!!!! He has issues, and it’s fairly obvious why. You have both dealt with abuse but that is NO Reason to be abusive or to put up with it. Definitely go to counseling. In all honesty, I would leave him for hitting me. That is not okay. It is physical abuse. It is not ‘okay.’
You need to both go to counseling at a minimum. He has a lot of anger inside him, which is understandable, but he cannot take it out on you and make you feel like it’s your fault he’s angry…it’s not. He was abused. That’s why he’s hurt and angry. And so it’s not fair for him to take it out on you and continue the cycle.
You guys need serious help because it will NOT get better without it.
Post # 5
Sorry you are dealing with this. However, YOU are NEVER the reason for another person’s abusive behavior. He has the free will to chooses and he CHOOSES to behave that way. Just because he saw his parents do it, doesn’t mean he has to continue the cycle. I would not stand for being treated that way. From the outside, it appears he is trying to put you in a position “below” him and give himself power. Not okay. I don’t usually say this, but I would not hang around and take that.
This disturbs me: A few nights ago in bed he thought I said something different than I did and punched me in the arm. I brush stuff like that off and say it’s normal.
THIS IS NOT NORMAL. IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE.
Post # 6
Yeah so I see nothing in that post that says anything is your fault. Alot of people grow up in abusive homes but in no way does that mean that it’s ok for him to do the same thing. It is very possible to overcome that. My Fiance grew up in a not so pleasant household but he would in no way ever lift a finger to me. Just a punch in the arm isn’t ok, that itself is a horribly bad sign.
The fact that he rubs his schooling in your face is ridiculous! Just because you didn’t go to school means nothing. Honestly I know loads more people who are majorly successful without college degrees.
You do not deserve to be treated like that, no one does. He’s the one who seriously needs some counseling. I would tell him to straighten out, if not you really shouldn’t stay.
Post # 7
Get the F out now. I don’t give a rats A how freakin stressed he is, calling you names and telling you he’s not going to discuss things with an uneducated female is bloody ridiculous and disrespectful! If he’s not going to communicate with you, why the hell are you married? His stress levels are not going to drop with a degree and a job related to his degree. It may add more. And hitting??? That is a Hell No situation, dear. You need seperate counseling, and marital counseling. This situation, as you have explained it, seems very unsafe to me and escalating. Being abused as a child is not an excuse to abuse others. Period. It’s a cop out, weak, and cowardly. Do I sound harsh? Good. Abusive situations should be treated harshly.
Post # 8
I would be GONE. Transference, what seems to be happening when he abuses you (you are being abused, don’t you agree?) is messed up. What’s more, he seems too arrogant, insecure, and self-centered to want to change.
I would get the heck away from him. The fact that it turned physical (it doesn’t MAtter what he thought he heard…he hit you) makes me think this it the tip of the iceberg.
Post # 9
I think you would both benefit from seeing a counsellor. Growing up in abusive homes can cause lots of anger and an inability to properly express that anger. Also, it might have something to do with why you feel like this is what you deserve – you said you also grew up in an abusive home so maybe your idea of normal is skewed a bit? IDK – this is the type of stuff a professional is best at figuring out and helping you deal with.
His treatment of you is not ok and you need to figure out (ideally with counselling) what you want/need out of a relationship and whether he will be able/willing to work with you.
Also, you might want to consider a job, so that you will be financially able to leave if you need to?
Post # 11
I’m going to make an appointment with a counselor very soon. Your comments have really helped me. I know I SHOULD leave him, but when we’re not fighting he’s so nice and sweet (the majority of the time), it’s like he’s a different person all together. He came home from work today and it’s like nothing happened. Like I said earlier, I brushed off the punch…if it was a slap in the face or something I would be done b/c it’s more obvious. Something did go off in my head, but I brushed it aside…b/c I did make him angry unintentionally.
I know that it’s not an excuse for his actions, but if I provoke him often enough wouldn’t a perfectly even tempered person punch or shove me? I don’t know. I sound pathetic. I never thought I would be in this situation. Verbal abuse isn’t as obvious as physical so it’s hard to recognize it for what it is…for me anyway.
Post # 12
@LadyLiberty: I’m glad you’re seeking counseling. I agree with the PPs above.
1- This is NOT your fault, you do not deserve this treatment and you don’t make people abuse you/bring out the worst in them. Abusers/those with abusive tendancies will find people that they know they can do this to. “Normal people” would not shove or punch you, they’d walk away if they were to that point of frustration. This isn’t something you bring out in people.
2- Getting counseling is a great thing for both of you. He needs to work on his past and the way he’s been becoming more aggressive towards you. Counseling will help you understand what healthy relationships (and disagreements, they are part of healthy relationships) should be like. What he’s doing is not healthy, emotionally or physically.
3- Just because he’s being nice when he’s not being mean is not a reason to keep giving him chances. The next time he’s more mean, he’ll be extra nice, and the cycle will continue. Please take care of yourself and take a break, because the way he’s been demeaning you (it is verbal abuse), let alone the start of the physical abuse, is not healthy or safe. Please take care.
Post # 13
its NOT your fault. I hope he gets the help he needs, for his sake AND for yours.
Post # 14
You are not a horrible person. It sounds like you have possibly been emotionally/verbally abused for your entire life so of course you will blame yourself. Please understand that this is not your fault. I concur with almost everything PP’s have said, especially NDBee. You BOTH need counseling. These issues CANNOT be blamed on you. If he refuses to go to counseling then you will need to resort to more drastic measures. My Dad was horribly abused when he was a child and after his Mother died, he sank into a deep depression and abused my Mother physically and emotionally for seven years. She packed us up and left him one morning without warning when I was in the second grade and had him served with divorce papers that same day. It shocked him so much that after a couple months of separation he finally agreed to couples & family therapy. My parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary last month, so it worked. He needed a huge fire lit under his ass in order to realize that it wasn’t anybody’s fault but his own and that he needed professional help to save his family.
I wish you well. I hope that he will get help because he needs it. Good luck.
Post # 15
you are in abusive relationship…maybe both of you should go to individual counseling and the go together.
You don’t deserve to be called stupid and you don’t deserve to be hit.
Post # 16
@kitcat12: “calling you names and telling you he’s not going to discuss things with an uneducated female is bloody ridiculous and disrespectful!”….EXACTLY.
I’d be gone, gone, gone. If Fi or myself said this it’d be the end of our relationship. We are both educated in different ways and have knowledge about different topics. One of us has a degree, the other does not; it doesn’t make a difference; at all; ever.