(Closed) Feel like I’m a horrible person.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

*hugs* I hope you’re feeling a bit better… your situation sounds really tough.

From what you wrote, I would say that his rages are in no relation to what you were saying/doing. It seems more like very counter-productive behavior that he should definitely try to get a grip on. 

Is there a specific reason as to why you don’t work? Maybe contributing more to the household would even out the playing field a bit – and give him an opportunity to give you advice on work (becuase advcie on housework probably isn’t his area of interest)…

Post # 4
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee

Honey, don’t blame yourself!!!!!!!! He has issues, and it’s fairly obvious why. You have both dealt with abuse but that is NO Reason to be abusive or to put up with it. Definitely go to counseling. In all honesty, I would leave him for hitting me. That is not okay. It is physical abuse. It is not ‘okay.’ 

You need to both go to counseling at a minimum. He has a lot of anger inside him, which is understandable, but he cannot take it out on you and make you feel like it’s your fault he’s angry…it’s not. He was abused. That’s why he’s hurt and angry. And so it’s not fair for him to take it out on you and continue the cycle.

You guys need serious help because it will NOT get better without it.

Post # 5
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sorry you are dealing with this.  However, YOU are NEVER the reason for another person’s abusive behavior.  He has the free will to chooses and he CHOOSES to behave that way.  Just because he saw his parents do it, doesn’t mean he has to continue the cycle.  I would not stand for being treated that way.  From the outside, it appears he is trying to put you in a position “below” him and give himself power.  Not okay.  I don’t usually say this, but I would not hang around and take that.  

This disturbs me:  A few nights ago in bed he thought I said something different than I did and punched me in the arm. I brush stuff like that off and say it’s normal.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL.  IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE.  

Post # 6
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yeah so I see nothing in that post that says anything is your fault.  Alot of people grow up in abusive homes but in no way does that mean that it’s ok for him to do the same thing.  It is very possible to overcome that.  My Fiance grew up in a not so pleasant household but he would in no way ever lift a finger to me.  Just a punch in the arm isn’t ok, that itself is a horribly bad sign. 

The fact that he rubs his schooling in your face is ridiculous!  Just because you didn’t go to school means nothing.  Honestly I know loads more people who are majorly successful without college degrees.

You do not deserve to be treated like that, no one does. He’s the one who seriously needs some counseling. I would tell him to straighten out, if not you really shouldn’t stay.

Post # 7
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Get the F out now. I don’t give a rats A how freakin stressed he is, calling you names and telling you he’s not going to discuss things with an uneducated female is bloody ridiculous and disrespectful! If he’s not going to communicate with you, why the hell are you married? His stress levels are not going to drop with a degree and a job related to his degree. It may add more. And hitting??? That is a Hell No situation, dear. You need seperate counseling, and marital counseling. This situation, as you have explained it, seems very unsafe to me and escalating. Being abused as a child is not an excuse to abuse others. Period. It’s a cop out, weak, and cowardly. Do I sound harsh? Good. Abusive situations should be treated harshly.

Post # 8
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would be GONE. Transference, what seems to be happening when he abuses you (you are being abused, don’t you agree?) is messed up. What’s more, he seems too arrogant, insecure, and self-centered to want to change.

I would get the heck away from him. The fact that it turned physical (it doesn’t MAtter what he thought he heard…he hit you) makes me think this it the tip of the iceberg.

Post # 9
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think you would both benefit from seeing a counsellor.  Growing up in abusive homes can cause lots of anger and an inability to properly express that anger.  Also, it might have something to do with why you feel like this is what you deserve – you said you also grew up in an abusive home so maybe your idea of normal is skewed a bit?  IDK – this is the type of stuff a professional is best at figuring out and helping you deal with.

His treatment of you is not ok and you need to figure out (ideally with counselling) what you want/need out of a relationship and whether he will be able/willing to work with you.

Also, you might want to consider a job, so that you will be financially able to leave if you need to?

Post # 12
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@LadyLiberty: I’m glad you’re seeking counseling. I agree with the PPs above. 

1- This is NOT your fault, you do not deserve this treatment and you don’t make people abuse you/bring out the worst in them. Abusers/those with abusive tendancies will find people that they know they can do this to. “Normal people” would not shove or punch you, they’d walk away if they were to that point of frustration. This isn’t something you bring out in people.

2- Getting counseling is a great thing for both of you. He needs to work on his past and the way he’s been becoming more aggressive towards you. Counseling will help you understand what healthy relationships (and disagreements, they are part of healthy relationships) should be like. What he’s doing is not healthy, emotionally or physically.

3- Just because he’s being nice when he’s not being mean is not a reason to keep giving him chances. The next time he’s more mean, he’ll be extra nice, and the cycle will continue. Please take care of yourself and take a break, because the way he’s been demeaning you (it is verbal abuse), let alone the start of the physical abuse, is not healthy or safe. Please take care.

Post # 13
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

its NOT your fault. I hope he gets the help he needs, for his sake AND for yours.

Post # 14
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

You are not a horrible person.  It sounds like you have possibly been emotionally/verbally abused for your entire life so of course you will blame yourself.  Please understand that this is not your fault.  I concur with almost everything PP’s have said, especially NDBee.  You BOTH need counseling.  These issues CANNOT be blamed on you.  If he refuses to go to counseling then you will need to resort to more drastic measures.  My Dad was horribly abused when he was a child and after his Mother died, he sank into a deep depression and abused my Mother physically and emotionally for seven years.  She packed us up and left him one morning without warning when I was in the second grade and had him served with divorce papers that same day.  It shocked him so much that after a couple months of separation he finally agreed to couples & family therapy.  My parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary last month, so it worked.  He needed a huge fire lit under his ass in order to realize that it wasn’t anybody’s fault but his own and that he needed professional help to save his family.  

I wish you well.  I hope that he will get help because he needs it.  Good luck.

Post # 15
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

you are in abusive relationship…maybe both of you should go to individual counseling and the go together.

You don’t deserve to be called stupid and you don’t deserve to be hit.

Post # 16
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@kitcat12: “calling you names and telling you he’s not going to discuss things with an uneducated female is bloody ridiculous and disrespectful!”….EXACTLY.

I’d be gone, gone, gone. If Fi or myself said this it’d be the end of our relationship. We are both educated in different ways and have knowledge about different topics. One of us has a degree, the other does not; it doesn’t make a difference; at all; ever. 

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