- 6 years ago
I’m embarassed to post this but I’m really suffering from the upset that I’ve been carrying around and would appreciate a few words of perspective and advice.
My husband and I dated for several months several years ago. We broke up and got together in late spring. It was a quick progression given our ages (37 and 39) given we both want children and we got married in early September of this year.
He is a student and we have been living on my earnings. He will begin working in the winter. When we dated the first time he was extremely generous – I am not worried about financial issues.
What I am unable to shake is the intense sadness, pain, and to be frank, rage and resentment I feel re: the way he went about our engagement and wedding, his failure to do anything to make up for it, and not having the faintest clue or care as to my subsequent upset. As far as I’m concerned, he stole from me what could and should have been a beautiful experience of a lifetime.
Part of it is my fault – I told him I didn’t want a wedding *with other people*. I felt like our vows and commitment to one another was a private thing, best left for a personal ceremony. What I envisioned (and I told him this) was our going off for a “marriage moon” to a beautiful natural setting, having something as simple as a picnic, and stating our vows to one another. It didn’t have to be expensive or anything. A trip to the local botanical garden would have sufficed, as long as we were able to celebrate in a meaningful way.
I also said I didn’t need an engagement ring – we had originally started looking at reasonably priced (no diamond) custom designs, but in the end I just couldn’t bring myself to “demand” that he purchase a $2500 ring. I thought that it was up to him to do what was in his heart.
Well, our wedding was unexpectedly even more anticlimactic than I had anticipated. We went to the courthouse to get our license before he “proposed” and the clerk there voluntarily waived the 72 hour waiting period and suggested we get married on the spot. Stunned, I just went along with it, fully expecting hubby to follow-up with all the romantic pomp and pageantry that these milestones deserve. AT MINIMUM, I expected him to take me out to a nice dinner. [And we had been dressed in flip flops and t-shirts. So I thought at least we would get dressed up for the dinner and take appropriate photos.] A present? A card? A picnic? Anything? We walked through a nice area of town immediately afterward in a daze and had ice cream. And that was it. NOTHING MORE.
Further, he put ZERO effort into a proposal. We didn’t have rings at the courthouse because we hadn’t anticipated getting married that day. So we hurriedly ordered them online after the fact. The night before I had to go on a business trip he woke me up from a nap to stick the ring on my finger and say ‘will you marry me?’ That’s it! Again, no dinner, no card, no flowers, no NOTHING?!
At almost exactly the same time, however, he shelled out almost $2000 for a tattoo for himself. It was technically my money, but he was equally technically going to “pay me back” once he started working. My position is, it’s the same pot, so what’s the difference? The original intent was that it would cost ~$900 for 1 session. But he apparently drastically under estimated and went back for a second session, and it’s *still* not finished and will likely cost another $2k to finish. After I found out he paid $2K without consulting my first I blew my top and he has held off on any further work.
I can’t even tell you how DEEPLY hurt I was that he prioritized the tattoo over everything else. His excuse was that he didn’t feel right spending my money on the celebrations (but since he was going to pay me back for the tattoo, that was okay). But it’s not even the money – there are plenty of ways that he could have shown me how much these milestones meant to him, and how much he loved/cherished me. All I wanted was the attention and the effort!
I have turned into a megab*tch ever since, and we continue to have fall-out over what happened. It took us countless fights for him to even acknowledge that this is something he needs to rectify or make up for. He blames me for being unable to let it go, and indeed, I am unable to let it go. He says “you told me that you didn’t want a wedding or a ring” but my position is no matter what I might say, wouldn’t you WANT to show me how much you love and cherish me, especially during this, our honeymood period???? Even if you didn’t want to go through all the trouble, in our society wouldn’t you feel pretty much OBLIGATED by social mores to treat these milestones as important?
It’s to the point that I think about divorcing him almost every day, despite his best efforts to take care of my pregnant arse from afar (in mid November I returned to my own city and we are currently living apart – I thought I could weather the pregnancy more comfortably in my own digs/) I am 10 weeks – if we’re going to end this, we’d better do it soon so that I don’t bring a life into a home that’s already irretrievably broken. He arrives in a couple days (he’s moving to my city after having completed school).
Does anyone else have a similar story? Am I the only idiot to stupidly believe that a husband would want to express love and care despite the face value of a wife’s words? Or am I focusing on the wrong things? Am I being petty and should I get over this? If so, how? He refuses to talk about it anymore, stating only that “he will make up for it once he starts working”. But that doesn’t take away my pain, and I don’t want to wait until we have no recourse on the baby only to find out he was full of it. I need to take action now, whether that be letting this go, or ending the marriage.
Please, ANY WORDS OF WISDOM you could provide would be much appreciated.
Thanks for reading through to the end of this long, pathetic story.