(Closed) Feel like my husband ground my heart underfoot

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2001

I think men usually take things at face value.  Personally, I think it is a bit unfair to be angry when he did exactly what you sais you wanted.  And no, I would not think of divorcing my Darling Husband because he didn’t make a big deal of the wedding.  The tatoo thing would make me mad though.

Post # 4
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@ej745: I’m sorry you feel this way. Sometimes men need clear communication and its okay to have desires/expectations. I hope things get better.

Post # 5
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

He says “you told me that you didn’t want a wedding or a ring” but my position is no matter what I might say, wouldn’t you WANT to show me how much you love and cherish me

you told him what you wanted and expected him to do otherwise – its like you are testing him 

i suggest reading the 5 languages of love to being with – you will read that people have different ways on showing/giving/receiving and communicating love

Post # 6
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Hello, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I went through one broken engagement and a divorce as well. It is hard to tell what is going on with your marriage since I don’t know you and only have a few paragraphs to go on. BUT, I wonder if he simply believed you when you said you didn’t want the ring, wedding, etc. Plain and simple. Men can’t read minds and most of the time only have our words to go on. I don’t know him though but it’s common for them to take things literally. 

However, it seems like if you are considering possibly ending the pregnancy or getting a divorce, the lack of wedding/rings is not the biggest issue. Something seems deeply under your skin about this relationship. For the six years with my ex husband (married for less than a year, together for six total) I felt this way. My gut told me to NEVER have kids with this man. Maybe you hate the fact that with a baby on the way, and him being unemployed, he spent $2K on a tatoo. That would freak me out as well. But you also say he is doing his best to take care of you during your pregnancy.

I don’t know what the answer is for you. I don’t want to say one way or another what I think you should do because I am not qualified for that. Divorce is not easy but believe me it is a hell of a lot easier than being in a marriage that is wrong. Then again, have you told him how you REALLY feel about the wedding stuff? Maybe he IS doing his best in the best way he knows how. I hope this gets better for you soon. *hugs*

 

Post # 7
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with @eloping.  5 Love Languages is a great book to help you two get on the same page

Post # 8
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

You need to work on your communication.  Tell him exactly what you want from him, don’t expect him to show up with flowers or lavish surprises– he obviously doesn’t work that way.

I think you also need to have a frank discussion about money.  Give him an amount– say $500– that he should ask you before “borrowing.” I would be extremely upset if my SO took $2000 of my money without asking me, for any reason, even if he planned on paying me back eventually.  

I would also talk about how he manages money.  It’s not responsible to spend that much money when you don’t know when you’re going to get another paycheck. 

If you’re thinking of ending the marriage because you didn’t get a fancy proposal, I think you also need to think about what you expect in a relationship and how you need someone to show you love. 

Post # 9
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Honestly I am not in your relationship so I can only go on what you wrote. Based on that I think you are a tad unfair. Men are not mind readers and you are looking at things only from a woman’s perspective. You didn’t marry a woman you unfortunately/fortunately (depending on your viewpoint) married a man. Men are very basic. They are not as intuitive as women. They do best with lists and clear cut direction. You said you didn’t want anything big so what did he give you?? A very laid back aprroach to the whole thing.  If you had handed him a chapter from a steamy romance and said here I want this chances are you would have gotten something more.

Can I recommend a book to you? Please read Eggrichs Love and Respect before you contemplate divorce. You will come to understand that God created men and women so vastly different it is a wonder we don’t kill each other lol. Also please remember that all the mommy hormones can seriously screw with a woman’s perspective so don’t rush into anything. Maybe you and he can read the book together.

Hugs

Post # 10
Member
14424 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry youre upset about the lack of proposal and celebration, and I hate to say it, but you got what you asked for.   You told him you didnt need a ring or a wedding, and made it sound like the only thing that mattered was getting married.  In his eyes, you guys are married, done, everything should be hunky dory.  Don’t tell a man one thing but expect something else. 

Post # 11
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@pinkshoes: THIS

He is a man, you told him not to do anything so he didn’t.  Even if the thought crossed his mind to do it anyhow, he would probably have been afraid you’d be pissed at him for doing exactly what you told him you didn’t want.  While I understand that you’re disappointed, he is not a mind reader.  To be honest I can’t really understand how this is his fault.

Post # 12
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I hate to sound like every other poster, but you should take that as a sign that it is indicitive of the best answer.

Your husband might have messed up with the $2000 tatoo– that is a huge no-no in my opinion, however based on what you wrote, he did not act egregiously otherwise. When you said the court clerk sprung the immediate marriage on the both of you, you did not speak up for what you wanted. That’s important. Your husband didn’t know it was a bad idea, but I’m sure he does now because you resent him so much for it. THat’s not fair to him. It would be a good idea if you really reflected about what control you had over that day, and think about how it could have gone differently if you would have spoken up for yourself.

Also, as for the rings: do you think maybe he woke you up from your nap because he was so excited to share that symbol with you immediately? He couldn’t wait a second longer for you to be up and about? That’s kind of romantic, actually if you think about it.

Please don’t sell this guy short. If it bothers you so badly and it’s festering so much, it is going to destroy your marriage. Go to a counselor and work this all out. Be mindful of what he does that no one else can do for you. Why was he special enough to marry in the first place? He is still the same guy, and deep down you love him for SOMETHING. If you search and you can’t find a reason, it’s time to go. But still, seek a counselor; they can help you compartmentalize all those emotions no matter what you decide.

Post # 13
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Actually, I am going to say something a little different here. While you did say that you did not want a big wedding, I think you did communicate that you wanted something a little more than getting married in a t-shirt at the courthouse with ice cream afterwards. A picnic or botanical garden are far cries from a courthouse. And I don’t think a dinner would have been too much to ask.

HOWEVER…

That being said, there was obviously a miscommunication…and then there was a miscommunication about money…and the tattoo…that just compounded the problem. I think your problem is not weddings or dinners or tattoos as much as it is communication. I don’t think it is something to get divorced over though and I think it can be worked out. It takes two to make an argument and it sounds like you guys need to get on the same communication level. If you guys can do that now, I sincerely believe one day you could look back on this and giggle. It prob won’t be a month from now, but years from now after working it out, it could actually be an amusing memory of a bumpy newlywed escapade. It could be something that binds you together in how far you have come. People make mistakes and no one will hurt your more than the one you love. But it just gives you a chance to know each other better and make up and bond. Marriage is not about never fighting, it is learning what to do when there is a fight.

<3 I wish you lots of luck and strength. I think you guys will be just fine if you are willing to stick it out.

Post # 14
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I disagree–she has every right to be angry.  He made absolutely no effort and then went out to drop 2K, plus another 2K plus possibly more on a stupid tat! 

I think the man you married is a bit immature, and prolly thought nothing was going to change after the wedding.  Now, things are def changing with you being pregnant and unhappy. 

You need to both start over and communicate honestly and directly about the situation.  Make clear to him if you didnt at the time that you gave up your dreams for what you wanted due to cost, not just a desire to not do a big fancy wedding.  But explain that you didn’t think that meant you got none of what you wanted.  Things cost time/effort or money, and explain you thought he would make up for the lack of money with his efforts to give you something special. 

Go into this with intention.  You can both assess the relationship and dedide if you want to stay married, and if you do what it will look like.  Make sure he recognizes that having a kid means he is done with being able to go out and blow 5K on a tat while he makes no money and you support the two (soon to be three) of you. 

If you decide to stay together, make him get you a ring (you determine how much to spend–even if it is five dollars on etsy!).  Make him meet with his tattoo artists about doing what he can to make the tattoo look finished as cheaply as possible (or if he is ok leaving it unfinished, do so). 

then, both of you read some books or find a counselor through his school who can help you communicate and fix your issues.  

Or, if you decide you made a mistake, be done with it now and get divorced.  Either way will be better than where you are now. 

 

Good luck

 

Post # 15
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@justelope:  I guess I just don’t understand why it was his responsibility to a) tell the clerk she didn’t want to get married right then and there when she didn’t say anything and b) plan the wedding or party.  Since when does the man plan this? My Fiance sure isn’t planning our wedding…I don’t think most brides want or expect their Fiance to plan theirs.

Perhaps something should have been said that day, since it isn’t like he planned for the clerk to say “hey why not get married right now”, if she wanted to celebrate she could have easily said let’s do something to celebrate, how about dinner?

As for the tattoo, I do have to say i’d be pissed – but not because it was spent on that instead of a party that i told him i didn’t want to have, because he used $2k of my money without previously asking for it.

The topic ‘Feel like my husband ground my heart underfoot’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors