Feel like my husband is no longer my soulmate…

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3750 posts
Honey bee

First of all, it doesn’t sound like he was ever your “soulmate.”  Sounds like you settled for him and now you are looking for more out of life.  Which is fine.  

You definitely aren’t the first nor will you the last person to go through this.  

 

The first step is to have a discussion with your H about how you are feeling.  I also recommend individual therapy prior to that to help you through these feelings and it will help you to move on as well.  I know we are in a weird time, but virtual visits are a thing right now and you can do it out of the comfort of your own home.

 

 

Post # 3
Member
1493 posts
Bumble bee

This is not about him no longer being your “soulmate”. It’s about him being a bad partner and you just now noticing it. My advice would be to wait if this was you realizing during lockdown you have slightly different interests. 

Normally I’d tell you to talk to your husband but it seems like you did and he ignored it? Do you want to continue with the marriage or try to work on it? If not, I’d use this time to get things organized. If you want to work on it, talk to your husband. Like tell him everything that he truly knows what is on the line

Post # 4
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

It doesn’t sound like you have really told him how serious you are about him not being a good partner. I would start by finding a time to sit him down and say how your marriage is can’t continue and you either need to get some counseling to talk through things or the other option is divorce. But you both need to be willing to get some help and change. Sounds like you need to get some of your own friends in your life, and he needs to appreciate you and put in more effort. Couples counseling should help you air your grievances and make a plan. 

Post # 5
Member
319 posts
Helper bee

Sounds like you married my ex husband. 
first of all, you need to tel him how you feel. Likely, he won’t care and nothing will change. Make a plan to leave, either stay with family or friends. 
life is too short to be this unhappy and to be with someone who clearly doesn’t care about you. Be strong bee!

Post # 6
Member
10368 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

This man was never your soulmate.

My general philosophy is that life is too short to be stuck in an unhappy marriage. You could try therapy but I doubt it will be helpful given your husband’s attitude.

Post # 7
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

If you want to stay in the relationship or can’t leave, I’d say to take some time to focus on yourself. Think about what hobbies you would enjoy. Reach out to some old friends, or maybe once things get better join some groups to make new friends. There are mom and me groups, meetup groups for all kinds of interests, church groups if that’s your thing, lots of options. It sounds like you have sacrificed who you are and your own needs to his and have started to rely on him for your happiness. I think giving yourself some control over your own happiness and spending some time on yourself will give you a new perspective on your relationship, who you are, and what you want your future to look like.

I was in a relationship similar to yours for a while and left. My new partner doesn’t share all of my hobbies but we do have values in common and enjoy spending time together.  We also enjoy spending time on our own doing our own hobbies. You may be able to get to this place with your current partner. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Hi! I really don’t believe in soulmates, I’m sure there are probably a couple different types of men you could picture yourself being married to as long as they were a good partner to you. I really think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about how you are feeling. Based on what you have written, it doesn’t sound like you have a partner, and instead just go along with what he wants out of life. I’m sorry, I feel for you. I’m sure this is weighing heavy on your heart since you have a baby. It sounds like you are being honest with yourself which is a good first step. 

 

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
3750 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
@Maple_07:  and just so you are aware, I was in a very similar situation with my exH.  

I finally started going to therapy and that gave me the confidence to know how I was feeling was valid.  I even put in a lot of effort to try and fix things between us because I didn’t want to get divorced.  But he had no desire to put in any work because he didn’t think what he was doing was wrong. 

In the end, I knew if I wanted to be happy in life, I had to divorce him….and let me tell you, it was THE best decision I have ever made.  

Post # 10
Member
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Hi, Op. First of of all, I’m so sorry that you didn’t get the Mother’s Day you wanted. Secondly, I’m sorry you are going through this. 

You said you don’t have friends. Did you have friends before you were with your husband? Have you been relying on him to be your everything? If so, is it possible that that pressure is causing him to push back and inappropriately seek space?

Would making some of your own friends help you value your SO, again?

 I’m asking because I genuinely don’t know, not because I’m right. I’m just trying to see all sides of the picture. 

Post # 12
Member
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Gotcha. It seems like he intentionally isolated you and he likes that he runs the show. I’m not going to tell you to leave him, but I am going to tell you to go back to school. Start hanging out with some other people, (if you’re not in any playgroups or things like that, that might be a good place to start if you don’t have any work friends). Do some things for you. Your self esteem will return. Good luck, bee. 

Post # 13
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@Maple_07:  So basically he was a crap boyfriend who became a crap husband. And without the constant interruption of life you are realizing just how crap he is. 

If this was someone who USED to be loving and changed, I would suggest counseling and discussions. But this isn’t that situation. This is someone who has always been selfish and unsupportive and who continues to be. He hasn’t changed, and he is unlikely to be the person you want him to be. 

My advice is to leave him. Move in with a family member, get a studio apt, get a roommate, do whatever you have to do to leave. The longer you stay with him the more miserable you are going to be. Marrying him was a mistake, you don’t have to continue it. 

Post # 14
Member
1791 posts
Buzzing bee

So many sad posts about really sad relationship troubles lately.  I agree with pps that this guy has deliberately isolated you for his own convenience.  He’s possessive and he demeans you.  Clearly, he doesn’t value your happiness and he doesn’t respect you.  I wish I could say, “go to couple’s counseling!  You can fix this!” But even if a miracle got him to go with you, it’s not going to make him start caring.  He’s a selfish person and you can’t change that about him.

Leaving this guy is your only path to happiness.  The longer you stay with him, the more his behavior will wear away at your self esteem and it will be more difficult to be a healthy you when you finally get out.  Mitigate the damage by leaving before you’re broken.  Do a couple sessions with a therapist if you think you need to talk about these issues a bit.  But really, you don’t just deserve better you NEED better.  Staying will damage you.  Being single and rebuilding your life and finding friends again is an immediate improvement over the current scenario.  I recommend a bit of counseling before dating again in order to learn about red flag behavior and where to set your expectations for an acceptable partner to avoid a repeat experience.

Post # 15
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

“im a dominant person, this is how ive always been, you just follow along..”

Wow, just wow!

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