(Closed) Feel like my in-laws jilted me on Christmas gifts

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 61
Member
2216 posts
Buzzing bee

amiona:  You’re offended that I said you were playing dumb? It’s an idiom, look it up, it means to pretend to be ignorant of something. And I used that expression because you were pretending to be ignorant of the fact that the OP was, in fact, invited to a gift exchange.

Up until that point, you had been posting renditions of, “Why would you expect a gift from your in laws? They’re not obligated to give you a gift!” You were ignoring the simple fact that if someone is invited to a gift exchange, it is customary to expect an exchange of gifts. I’m sure you know this and were ignoring it on purpose, which is why I used that expression. I wasn’t being nasty, I was simply telling you to stop ignoring the facts.

I’m someone who believes in give gifts freely and not expecting anything in return, however if I was invited to exchange gifts at someone’s house, and I was the person who was not included as part of the exchange, I would certainly feel snubbed. As would anyone.

You seem to disagree and you are certainly entitled to your opinion. Anyway, I’m not going to acknowledge the rest of your post. Good luck to you.

Unfathomably:  Thanks! Yeah, I completely agree with you, we would never have someone over for the gift exchange without giving them something to open. Our family has invited many a friend who couldn’t otherwise make it home to our house for Christmas and my mother has always made sure to plan for some sort of a present for them during the gift exchange. 

In fact, my mother goes the extra mile and makes sure that anyone who comes over on Christmas leaves with something–it ends up being as simple as a small chocolate or some Christmas cookies. I wouldn’t expect other people to do this, as it’s not rude to invite someone over after exchanging gifts and not presenting them with anything, but my point in sharing is that I think there are options for presents that don’t require a lot of money or extra effort. This is why, to me, the in laws’ actions as referenced in the OP seemed like a deliberate snub.

Post # 62
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

amiona:  there is a reason people say ‘your not losing a son but gaining a daughter’ because she is supposed to be part of the family. If thats the case is it wrong to look at my aunt as family considering she is not my blood? 

I said technically yes she is part of the family whether they choose to accept her or not is THEIR choice. My husband chooses not to look at one of his cousins as family and that’s his choice.  Im not saying they HAVE to look at her as family I am merely saying she is. Your Brother-In-Law is now a part of your extended ffamily whether you choose to love and accept him is your choice but it doesn’t change the fact that you married into his family. 

Is the OP family?  YES.. does the Father-In-Law have to love or accept her? Unfortunately no.

I think there is a difference between brutal and rude.. I might be brutal but never rude. Considering I agree with OP it would be fair to say your the one trying to force down another opinion. Like I said many times you have your opinion I have mine. . Your entitled to yours as am I. Lets leave it at that.

Post # 63
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

tandem545: I feel you a little here. This year I took alot of time finding the right gifts for my SIL and Mother-In-Law. Making sure it was something the liked and even spending more on stuff I knew they would like. then what do I get from them. Two generic gifts they put no thought into. I know I should be thankful for anything but come on, I just felt a little like they make no effort to get to know their son’s/brothers wife. 

Post # 64
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d be annoyed as well. I love the idea of getting him a very liberal news or magazine subscription, or a anti-gun sticker for his car. The fact is if you are invited to an exchanging of gifts, it is not rude or “entitled” to expect a gift. You can’t change your in-laws’ lame gift giving habits, but you can always modify your own gifts to reflect the sentiment and then you might not feel so bad. Frankly I’d be inclined to miss next year’s “festivities”.

Post # 65
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

bitsybee:  I merely used grandchildren as an example 🙂 Whether my husband and I had a child or not my mother would still except him. I was just trying to say how crazy it would be to not look at the mother of your grandchild as family.  It happens but it doesn’t make it less crappy.

Post # 66
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Chanel87: your mom is rude to your Darling Husband, and excepts him from the family? No wonder you’re so passionate about the whole family thing. I’m sorry your family doesn’t accept your Darling Husband. I agree that isn’t ideal. 

I think you missed the point about children. If one doesn’t have children (by birth, adoption, or other means) one isn’t a mother or a father. So, there’s no mother of the grandchild if there’s no, ahem, grandchild. 

It’s a tough point to wrap my mind around because some of us can’t have kids and may never be able to. Even with adoption and medical science, it may take years. So pardon me for being hurt that you seem to be saying that my only value to my mil is as the (unsuccessful) mother of her (nonexistent) grandchild(ren).

Post # 67
Member
11654 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

doberman:  next years ” gift”: a donation to responsible gun ownership regulations advocacy group.

all responsible grown ups should know that giving someone a gun when they are not big on guns is beyond inappropriate. Gun ownership is a personal decision between the people who own the home. And that’s aside from the main issue. 

Post # 68
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

I accidentally clicked on OP previous posts and have a feeling this is an ongoing thing. This is 5 years old http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/dealing-with-future-in-laws-that-dont-like-me/

it seems you’ve felt this way for over 5 years of being engaged plus 6 years of dating (That’s over a decade. My math skills are on point tonight!) I think you need to emotionally detach from your inlaws. they are who they are. It sucks. 

Post # 69
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

 

bitsybee:  wait what? I’m confused. . I said whether we had children or not my mother would still except my husband.  She loves him.. she calls him son on a daily bases. I never said a woman is only worth something  if she has a child and really don’t know where in any of my.posts I said that. Coming from ssomeone who was told I might have difficulty getting pregnant and taking over a year to get pregnant I would never say not being a mother doesn’t give a woman value because I have wrapped my head around the fact I might never have a kid many times. 

I merely used the grandchild as an example.  I would hope in laws  welcome their new SIL or DIL with open arms no matter what.. I just said it would be sad if OP had a baby and Father-In-Law still didn’t see her as family.  I didn’t mean to hurt feelings to those who can’t have kids.. sSeriously it was just an example. 

Post # 71
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

franklymydearidont:  sorry my husband always uses our laptop so I’m stuck responding through my phone that always auto corrects lol

Post # 72
Member
983 posts
Busy bee

I’m ignoring the petty argument going on here, and just going to say that OP, I would be super pissed. Not because I didn’t get a gift, but because it seems so completely intentional. They wrote YOUR name on a gift knowing full well that it was not really for you. That is beyond rude and I can’t believe they had the balls to do it. 

Just know that you are totally justified and what they did was shitty. I’d get your hubby to talk to them and tell them they were rude but chances are they won’t care so just try to let it go. 

Post # 73
Member
5365 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

bitsybee:  seriously, Chanel was not trying to offend you. She was simply using a grandchild as a point. And OP talked about how they gave her child and husband a gift but not her. Clearly they don’t accept her as family, even though they technically are. You twisted her words around and took them way too personal. 

Chanel87:  Op did give them a grandchild and apparently that’s still not good enough. 

OP, I’m so sorry you have to deal with your in laws. If this has been going on for a decade (like a pp said) I would stay as far away from them as possible.

Post # 74
Member
12078 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

The only thing I can think happened, and this is a little bit of a stretch, is that your name was written on the gift because they needed something to give  you and it was something they thought both of you could use in your home. Maybe FIL’s comment that  it was “really for” H was not meant to suggest it wasn’t yours in name,  but that he knows it is something his son would appreciate as much or more. And I say this as someone who is personally revolted by the idea of a gun as a Christmas gift. 

Post # 75
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Chanel87: appreciate the clarification. I got confused because both accept and except make contextual sense but create different meanings. Since you consistently used except, I thought that was what you meant — I had no reason to think otherwise because you kept repeating it.

i feel you on the phone thing — I missed where the op stated she had a child since I’m on my phone, ksn1219:. Since Chanel said it was just an example, I didn’t realize it was related to the OP’s situation. That is my mistake for skimming and not confirming  

At first I didn’t take it personally, since Chanel might not have been aware, but then she doubled down on a seemingly random example, so then I took it personally. 

I only took her words at face value and took something personally because she doubled down without adding context, so i appreciate the clarity since Chanel’s communication was so convoluted. 

Tl;dR I may or may not be on the same page as y’all but at the end of the day this is some kind of snafu for sure. 

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