(Closed) Feel like sleeping in the spare room tonight.. (Sorry LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Has he been tested for depression and low testosterone?  If this isn’t a medical thing, he might just have a lower drive than you do.

Post # 5
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

according to Mark Gungor, it really doesn’t matter who initiates, even if it’s one person all the time. The issue you’re having is that he doesn’t seem interested at all, and I can imagine how frustrating it is. Like MissAsB asked, is he depressed? low testosterone?

Post # 6
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Jacqui90:  I would suggest having a serious talk about this outside the bedroom. Try not to lay blame, but explain to him exactly how this makes you feel, and that it IS a problem.

I’m guessing you guys are fairly young since he lives with his parents. Is is possible that he’s just a bit immature when it comes to realizing that you have needs too? Maybe he doesn’t quite understand just how bad he’s making you feel. I think that the logical solution is for him to STOP JERKING OFF so often, no? Like you said, it doesn’t necessarily sound like a sex drive issue, but maybe he should talk to his doctor about this anyhow. Out of respect for you at least.

I think it’s pretty normal not to have the exact same sex drive, but it sounds to me like he is the one who needs to pick up the slack here. Maybe it’s also a timing issue… I know that I usually don’t feel like sex in the morning, and my bf doesn’t usually feel like it in the evening, so sometimes we go a while without. It just works out that way. I think we do initiate pretty equally, though.

Post # 9
Member
6341 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

Is he tired/stressed? This can have a huge impact on sex drive.

Do both of you live with your parents? If so, this could also be affecting things; some people get really weird about having sex with their parents in the same house, even if there’s no way they’d hear them.

Is this something you bring up a lot? If so, perhaps he feels under pressure? I also think that the whole ‘agreeing’ to have sex earlier in the day is a bit weird: it feels very planned and lacking in spontaneity, and also kind of unromantic (now, I am the LEAST romantic person, and I really don’t see sex as a romantic act, but I don’t know, I think I’d feel a bit weird if my OH was like ‘Right, you promise we’re having sex tonight? No backing out’)

Otherwise, he might simply have a lower sex drive than you. Which is difficult, as you can’t exactly force him to want sex, so if that’s the case, you need to question whether you can continue a relationship with little sex.

Post # 11
Member
6341 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

Don’t underestimate the impact tiredness and stress can have on people’s sex drive; both my OH and I have been through periods like this, and it does have a huge affect. About 12-18 months into our relationship we have a blip as my OH was working 12-14 hour days Monday-Friday, I worked until late on a Saturday, so we spent little time together, and when we did see each other, he was too exhausted to do anything bar sleep. Likewise, I’ve been through periods of illness inc chronic fatigue and honestly, sex has been pretty far down on my list of priorities: work and university came top, folowed closely by sleep. So it could simply be down to this if nothing else has changed.

I would talk to him calmly, and don’t be accusatory; say you want to understand, and are wondering if anything’s bothering him? I’d also lay off on pressuring him into sex; if he doesn’t feel up to it, pressure is probably going to make it even less appealling. Work on connecting as a couple eg maybe try to squeeze in a night out each week, even if just to a local bar for one or two drinks. I think this can be very important, and it’s partly how my OH and I have kept a spark for 7 years.

Post # 13
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

Could it be a lack of energy? It takes so very little effort to do it himself bc he knows what feels good etc, but the act with you takes a lot of effort. Maybe he is unmotivated. Or since he rather do it himself, could it be a porn addiction?

Post # 15
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Perhaps it could be low sex drive or physical factors.  Have either of you gained weight? That could be the culprit

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