Feel like such a burden in my husband's life

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Hostess
8476 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

LittleButtons :  Your husband clearly loves you and makes you his priority, which to me sounds like what you would probably hope for in a husband. He would not be making these decisions if he didn’t want to, and I am sure if the roles were reversed your number one concern would be your husband’s health and you would not want him to feel bad. If you feel like this is depressing you maybe you need to speak to your doctor about that.

Post # 3
Member
929 posts
Busy bee

Could you possibly travel to the potential area that your husband would be transferred to and meet with the physicians and staff to find a great doctor for yourself in a new area? That might ease some things for you knowing you have an established a new physician already.

Post # 4
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Try and think of it this way: you both vowed to care for each other in sickness and in health, right? He clearly is doing what he believes is right for you in this situation, and is honouring that vow. As PPs have said, if you do feel concerned about this I would start to ask your doctor for referrals to physicians and counsellors in the area he would plan to move to. They might be able to point you in the right direction. I don’t know much about military work, but is there a possibility of a commute where he stays a few days at the base, then comes home to you? Do you have family/friends you can rely on in the place you live now? 

I would also speak to your doctor about your periods of depression. It is important that they know this, and again, could come up with some practical solutions. 

Post # 6
Member
771 posts
Busy bee

It takes time to get used to having a condition such as epilepsy and to accept that it’s now a part of you and what that means in terms of your life and the impact on your partner’s. I’ve had epilepsy my whole life so it’s a bit different for me – I’ve had time to get used to it. But you do. And you can do the vast majority of the things you did before. I’d suggest spending some time on some epilepsy forums just reading the posts and asking questions. I think you’ll find when you accept what’s happened to you then you’ll be able to accept and understand what that also means for your husband – you will realise that your current guilt is temporary (and while totally makes sense for you, there is no reason for you to always feel this way – your husband loves you). You may also need to figure out what your new reality is and what that means for you both. It sounds like that’s what your husband is trying to do. You come first for him and rightly so. Good luck, bee! 

Post # 7
Member
13 posts
Newbee

I think the military at least owes him the respect of finding out where they would send him. Good doctors can be found almost anywhere and relationships with them established. I would look upon the depression you’ve put yourself into as being much more disabling to you both than the epilepsy. 

Moving is not the end of the world and I think you need to tell him that, and that it’s okay if you move. It doesn’t matter what anyone here tells you, you are still going to feel guilty and will continue to do so. You will be much more at peace if you give him what you know will make him happiest- and that is for him to stay in the military and for the two of you to move where they send him.  In the meantime, you need to come to terms with your diagnosis.

Post # 8
Member
44 posts
Newbee

Hey Bee!

I wanted to give you an answer from the other side– my husband has refractory epilepsy (epilepsy that is not entirely controlled by anti-seizure medications). He’s had it since he was a teenager, so I’ve always known about it.

His diagnosis means my life changes in some ways. He can’t legally drive, so we can’t move back to the area of the country where I grew up, like I always wanted to. We’re stuck in cities with great public transportation options, which are of course the most expensive places to live. Realistically, I don’t know how we will afford to buy a home, and if we do, it will look much different that I might ideally like. It limits how and where we travel. It’s a factor in deciding on kids– one of the reasons I’m going to grad school right now is because I know we’ll need a full-time nanny if and when. He needs uninterrupted sleep to be ok, and I need to work because my job and income will always be safer (among many other reasons! I love my work, so it’s easy).

Big whoop. I don’t for a second resent him for it. Do you resent your husbad because now that you are married you can’t sleep with the cute guy at work? Maybe for a few minutes you indulge in a daydream of how fun a first date would be again, but of course not! Marriage, like any choice you will ever make in life, is going to shut some doors. However, hopefully it opens many many others. I love who my husband is, and epilepsy if part of who he is, so it’s just part of the package. 

I completely understand why your husband doesn’t want to move you. It is awful, just awful, to watch the person you love go through the seizure and it’s intense aftermath. I’m a critical care nurse, for goodness sakes– it’s my profession to deal with sudden life or death medical emergencies– and I still feel stressed just writing about them. It’s scary, unpredictable, and the consquences can be pretty serious. For six months after a seizure, every time I’d walk in the door after a night shift I’d worry I was going to find my husband on the floor in a bad way. I like his doctors, they know us at the hospital, they have all of his records and they treat us well. The stability is good for him. I have friends to call around here if I need someone to check on him. His work and my work both know, and deal with it. Establishing a support system took time and effort, and I can see not wanting to rip that up. I also imagine being in the service has to be very hard for him– what happens if he is away and you get sick? What if he’s just at a training exercise and can’t leave or get back in time? One of my fears has always been being on a shift and figuring out my husband is sick. I can’t abandon my own patients to go take care of him– even if someone could replace me, it would take at least two hours. I can only imagine being across the world. 

He loves you, he wants to get you better, and he wants to make the best choices for you guys at a team. He also probably has a lot of fears of his own, and is doing that he needs to do to gain some control in a very unpredicatable and scary situation. You might be giving him a gift letting him take care of you like this– I dragged my husband across the country for a second opinion with a highly regarded specialist. It was for ME– I needed to know I did my best and turned over every stone. He let me, because he knows that.

You never know– this may end up leading to wonderful opportunities for him you can’t imagine right now.

I also wanted to second the idea of a therapist. This is a tough diagnosis to deal with at first (though it can be dealt with!) and it’s normal to be guilty, etc etc. But it might also help to have someone there as you work through all of these new feelings and situations. The more you can manage your stress, the better!

 

Post # 10
Member
574 posts
Busy bee

LittleButtons :  please don’t feel like burden to your husband,  because he’s showing  his lover for you. I’m so happy to read that hes  been so wonderful and caring towards your new medical diagnosis. 

Your husband is doing what you would do in return for him. Help him through the transition and do your best to be positive about his change because I bet he’s a little worried about his new environment that he has to get to use to. 

It sounds to me like you still need to come to terms with having epilepsy and that will take time. Please don’t be too harsh on yourself. You’re still everything you were before you got diagnosed. 

I might get backlash for this by look into cannabis oil. 

Good luck

 

Post # 12
Member
3030 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

LittleButtons : You are not a burden. You are loved and you and your man will get through this! 

I had a coworker with epilepsy when I worked for the disabled students department in campus. Loved her to pieces but felt so helpless whenever she had a seizure. She said that support groups really helped her cope with her feelings and give her ideas for treatment and lifestyle. I highly suggest trying to find one in your area or at least visit an online forum. 

ALong the lines of coping, my coworker and her partner relocated to an apartment near a bus line in the same town where they had lived, and she took public transit to her jobs everyday (she worked three jobs!!). She majored in criminal justice and is now a court recorder which is pretty cool.

Take time to process, be kind to yourself, and explore all of your options. Maybe there is something similar you can work out logistically.

Post # 13
Member
771 posts
Busy bee

LittleButtons :  it’s really no problem. I know what it feels like to be alone with it and I imagine it must be daunting to be diagnosed with it as an adult. If you want to contact me at any point, feel free to send me a PM – I’m on a different time zone to you but will get back to you as soon as possible. 

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