Post # 1
I know there’s one in every bunch- especially when you have as many as I do (seven). I’m not as close to this maid as many of my others, but she’s my sister in law to be (married my FI’s brother), and I didn’t want to leave her out. Six months into our engagement they announced they were pregenant. I was so excited for them and still am to meet my new nephew.
Okay, so for the bummer part of the experience, the maid is a center of attention hoe, to the max. Now anytime I talk to the family about wedding plans she changes the subject to baby. She made buying dresses an ordeal. She won’t tell me when her family is planning to host the baby shower (I keep asking to make sure my bridal shower won’t conflict). But the thing that is really bothering me, this past weekend she said she wouldn’t come to my bachelorette party. I’m not having a typical bachelorette. I was going to take the girls to NYC (FI offered to pay for everyone, kinda a huge deal). I even changed the date of the event so she wouldn’t be too big or uncomfortable moving around.
I told my girls from the beginning that the only non-wedding date event I’d like them at is the bachelorette party (no need to come to any of the showers). Anyway, I know there is nothing I can do. I asked if another date would work better, and she isn’t returning my texts.
Just wondering if any of you have any uplifting words or jokes, feeling a little down.
Post # 3
@DanceawaytheNight: Is there any chance you are overreacting? This is a pregnant woman you admit you are not close to. Why are you letting her absence be a downer?
Post # 4
@DanceawaytheNight: She may have a good reason for not attending your Bachelorette Party that you don’t know – maybe she just doesn’t feel comfortable going into the city when she’s pregnant (especially if she has never been before). I don’t think its fair to be upset with her when you don’t know why she won’t be going, but I do think its ok to be a bit upset that she isn’t returning any calls or texts. . . however, she may not know when the Baby Shower is going to take place. You didn’t mention when she is due, so its not possible for us to know if they would have started figuring that out yet.
Is it annoying that she is getting so much attention and she constantly wants to talk about the baby? I’m sure it is. But I also think its understandable.
@julies1949: +1 I’m not entirely sure why she would be upset either. As long as the people OP is really close to are able to attend thats all that should matter.
Post # 5
@DanceawaytheNight: I completely understand this. My Fiance’s sister just announced that she is getting married in 7 months and has only known the guy for like 5 and sat there and judged us since we are waiting until December of the same year to get married because why would anyone wait that long? I feel that she is stealing my thunder a little bit mainly because of selfish reasons. I completely think it is normal to feel that way, yeah you don’t get an entire year, but the times that you are planning and the times that you are talking to people about it are also your times, it makes you feel like your day isn’t special because someone else is trying so hard to make theirs more special than yours. Don’t sweat it, continue planning and maybe talk to your other maids about your wedding plans which they will be excited for.
Post # 6
Honestly it sounds like you’ve made your bridal party too big. Just being married to your fi’s brother shouldn’t automatically win you a place of honor, and if there is not already that deep emotional bond of friendship between you, not only will she be less likely to rearrange her life for you, you’ll be more likely to see any rearranging you do as a burden (when doing the same things for someone you truly love would be a joy). I think you need to re-evaluate what you expect of this bridesmaid and understand that it’s okay if she doesn’t go on the bachelorette weekend, just like she needs to understand that if she’s not able to produce the date for her baby shower, you’re facing a possible conflict that might draw guests away from her.
It’s too late to go back in time and not invite her to be a bridesmaid and I don’t think you should ask her to step down at this point, but I think your relationship with her isn’t strong enough that she should have been a choice in the first place, and you’re going to need to be a lot more realistic in what you expect from her.
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2012 - Franklin Plaza
If you’re not that close with her anyways, why is it such a big deal that she’s not attending? I don’t think she sounds unsupportive, she is probably busy preparing for her new LO! I don’t know how far away you are from NYC or when she is due, but it might just be too much of a burden for her to attend an out of town bachelorette party while pregnant. I’m sorry you’re disappointed and I probably would be too, but I think you need to cut her some slack.
Heck, I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man who didn’t come to my bachelorette party just because she “had better things to do”. And mine was just a dinner with drinks afterward! Yea it sucks, but life goes on and the girls who did come made it memorable and awesome!
Post # 8
@DanceawaytheNight: Don’t let one person who you aren’t even that close to, bring you down. She’s pregnant — it doesn’t matter really how far along she is, maybe she is uncomfortable being away from home/her husband, or maybe she just thinks she would be a wet blanket not being able to drink or partake in the party the way the rest of you girls will. Maybe she feels like the odd man out being the only pregnant woman there. I’m playing devil’s advocate here and maybe it’s not as innocent as it seems to me, but either way I wouldn’t take it personally or let it affect your excitement over your wedding.
I understand you’re a little let down, but personally I would be more put out if it was my Maid/Matron of Honor or one of my best friends. Remember, you only asked this girl out of courtesy anyway… I’m sure she’s at least semi-aware of that.
I agree with you that there is always going to be one in every bunch. I have one or two myself who just aren’t interested or don’t seem to care (and that’s okay because they have their own lives). I’ve been in a lot of weddings too, and I’m pretty sure that *I* was that one, at least once. Other people’s weddings don’t always come at the most convenient times for those who act as bridesmaids–emotionally, financially, heath-related, or otherwise.
As far as feeling like she’s taking the attention away from you – maybe she is doing this on purpose, or maybe she’s not. It’s natural that she’s excited and maybe you talking about your exciting plans just gets her excited to share what’s going on with her, too. I have two bridesmaids who will likely be pregnant on my wedding day, but I don’t see it as them being attention-grabby. It’s fun that we’ll all have such exciting things going on at the same time! Even if she’s intentionally making herself the center of attention — do you really care? Everyone knows you’re the bride, and on your wedding day, you and your husband will be the only ones in the spotlight. Don’t let her ruffle your feathers or bring you down.
Post # 9
Okay, so for the bummer part of the experience, the maid is a center of attention hoe, to the max.
@DanceawaytheNight: If I were describing someone like this, I probably wouldn’t have them in my wedding party. Weddings are stressful enough, there’s no reason to invite this kind of drama.
Post # 10
Just remember that it’s an emotional time for you both. You feel let down she won’t be there and this is a time where you want to be a little selfish! Getting married is a big deal and all of the stuff that goes along with it seems huge at the time. I completely understand how you’re feeling and want you to know that it is normal to feel that way.
That being said, being pregnant is a very emotional time too and it’s equally difficult not to be selfish. Her mind is probably always on the baby and I’m guessing she feels uncomfortable going to a different city when she’ll be pregnant (hence emotional and bigger than usual). It was incredibly sweet of you to have moved the date around to accomodate her and she should be communicating with you more about it – absolutely! – but I’m willing to bet she honestly doesn’t mean any harm or insult to you with not responding quickly.
You know how you get a wedding brain during the planning and you spend a lot of your day thinking about details and imagining the moment of the day? That holds true with a baby too 🙂 You tend to be very wrapped up in the moment and planning for the future, meaning you overlook things you shouldn’t with your family and friends.
Since this is upsetting you, I would ask her out for lunch (or dinner) and let her talk about the baby for quite awhile (show her you share her excitement) and then explain to her how she means a lot to you as a new family member (and as someone who is soon going to give you a new nephew!!) and that you really want for you both to be able to accomodate these huge moments in your life seamlessly. I think sometimes after we get married, we tend to forget how important that was to us, and don’t treat the moment for others with as much appreciation as we expected to get. I know that’s tough to handle, but most of the time (when you look back) these situations just werent worth the strife and animosity that happened if we blew up about it. Kindness normally wins 🙂
It sounds like you have 6 other girls who you share a close bond with. That is wonderful!! I would focus on that (I know its hard!!) and just make sure to explain to her how important it is that you know her shower date because you absolutely dont want a scheduling conflict since you want to be there for her! Chances are, your sweetness about the situation will remind her to be accomodating and kind as well. And then, when your beautiful wedding happens and you have a beautiful new nephew, you wont have the animosity that might have been there otherwise.
Hang in there hun!! Just remember you’re going to be marrying the man you love and at the end of the day, that really is all that matters. It’s going to be perfect, regardless of a less than attentive bridesmaids, because you’re going to be with the man you want for the rest of your life. There are very few things better 🙂
Post # 11
Is attention whoring a pattern of behavior with this chick? Then I would accept that she’s a Bridesmaid or Best Man in name only, and move on.
Then you get to NYC and party with your real friends! Think about it– She would have spent all night going “OH! That salmon smell is bothering my MORNING SICKNESS! Ugh, PREGNANCY, RIGHT?!” And “OH! A glass of WINE? I remember when I could have one of THOSE! Pregnancy, RIGHT?!”
Now she can’t make it all about her!
Post # 12
@wirsbxo: This is exactly what I needed to hear!
It’s going to be perfect, regardless of a less than attentive bridesmaids, because you’re going to be with the man you want for the rest of your life. There are very few things better
@BrandNewBride: +1 Hahaha, so true!
Thank you all for your thoughts 🙂 I guess my hang up is that my FI’s family is super tight, and I’d like to feel that bond with this maid, which is why I’m trying so hard. But you’re all right, she is who she is, and maybe we’ll never be tight.