(Closed) Feel so confused,, what a mess! Was I wrong?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@RocketBee:  Be honest and apologetic.  Let him know that you can’t deal with the constant worked up anticipation from his hints. That you’re sorry for the blow up the other day, and for how that probably made him feel.  Ask him to please, going forward, keep the whole proposal/ring/etc part a complete surprise.  That you’re just excited to continue building a life together, but the roller coaster is making you feel like a crazy person.

Post # 4
1012 posts
Bumble bee

I would be angry too. Let him you he’s hurting you by all the false promises.I  would do the same in your situation I think you’ve been really patient.

Post # 5
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t think you are wrong. When highly emotional sometimes things get out of control. I don’t think you should let it go or make it a surprise. YOur boyfreind is giving you false hopes about timelines and making all of these rules which you don’g seem to agree with. Sit down ask him how serious he is about getting engaged, talk to him about things which you don’t feel need to happen to get engaged. You both are adults and I think you deserve an equal say in where and when and how it happens.

Post # 6
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree with what everyone else has said that you shouldn’t blame yourself: I definitely don’t think you were acting like a spoiled idiot, you’re acting confused and trying to figure out what’s going on in your relationship. I also agree that if he’s setting rules, you should too: try to sit down and have an honest conversation. Start with apologizing for overreacting (or what you think is an overreaction: I would just say it’s a natural reaction!), because I can tell you didn’t want to act like that and you definitely didn’t want to hurt this person you love!

But then I would say that you really want to talk about engagement: that you’re ready, and you don’t want to pressure him, but that he’s been giving you a couple different signals and you’re not sure what he actually wants. Is it about his business? His family? Is he genuinely terrified of getting married? Does he want to wait? Try to do it as no-pressure as possible: you just want to know where you stand–after all, communication is the key to any relationship! What he says might not be what you want to hear, but it will help you be a lot less confused: and I know in my own relationship, it has helped make my relationship eve stronger!

Good luck and I hope everything works out!

Post # 7
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I totally agree with PP. You shouldn’t feel like an idiot! I think I would be just as confused and frustrated. I would take a couple of days to settle down and let the initial emotions pass and then ask to talk to him. Let him know that you’re sorry if your reaction wasn’t the best, but it’s difficult for you to keep waiting indefinitely. Tell him you feel like the two of you aren’t on the same page and you’d like to talk it out until you understand each other. 

Communication should help clear the air. Once you can get out how you feel then you move forward and maybe make a better plan. 

I hope this helps!!

Post # 8
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I agree with other bees. Just talk to him, and tell him you didn’t mean to be pushy or anything… The thing is, I think men don’t know how long these things take to plan. He needs to tell you ahead of time so you can get the ball rolling earlier in your engagement. 

Just talk to him. Ask him honestly without getting fired up if he wants to do this with you. If you don’t mind waiting, just tell him there’s no pressure to do it now, but you need honesty about where you stand. 

Post # 10
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

How about you plan an event for your families to meet? Maybe that would help him to get moving on it. Good luck ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 11
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Hang in there.  I’m having the same issue with my SO right now.  He was the one to bring up the topic of marriage about 9 months ago.  I was absolutely convinced that he planned to do it in Paris over Christmas, then V-Day, then my B’day, then graduation…

Yesterday he tells me that he doesn’t want to get married until he finishes school, which could take 6 months or it could take 2 years.  What hurt the most was when he told me that getting married loses some of its glamour after 8 months and if you wait longer than that it’s just a business arrangement.  This coming from a man whose first marriage only took place because his ex needed to get on his insurance.

Post # 12
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It took a very long time for my Fiance to finally pop the question.  I’m considerably older than he is and I was ready much sooner.  It also boiled down to wanting children.  He definitely wants at least one, but I’m getting older and didn’t want to wait much longer.  It was after more than 3 years of dating that he finally proposed, but it was only about 6 months into it that we started talking about marriage.  I can’t tell you how many times I’d get my hopes up then a couple months would pass, then we’d have the conversation about marriage again and I’d tell him to quit bringing it up if he wasn’t going to ask, because I couldn’t stand being let down.  But he just had it in his mind, that even though I wasn’t getting any younger, he just didn’t want to propose until he bought a house and we were stable enough to have a nice wedding and start a family right away.  In the long run, I’m glad he waited because I do feel much more stable and ready to take the next step.

Post # 15
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I don’t think you are wrong & I felt the same way for a long time! He didn’t do it that exact way but… he would say things like when we get married…. or something like that which always made me feel like it was coming. We have been together for three years and he just proposed on New Years because I had finally given him a dead line b/c he kept giving excuses for why he didn’t think it was the right timing yet. My dead line was by the end of 2011, he proposed 3 seconds before the ball hit & it was 2012! Nothing like making me wait till the last minute!!!

Keep your head up & know if it’s meant to be it will happen! Things will cool down I promise! We got into lots of fights over the ring! Now we are happier then ever!!

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