Post # 1
Apologies in advance for this – I’m feeling a bit down.
So I’ve already said I’m not convinced it’ll be over the holidays, however, now I’m thinking it isn’t coming anytime soon at all.
SO is acting pretty damn weird over the last few days, just little things but incredibly annoying. Usually he’s thoughtful and kind, however he’s being unecessarily selfish at the moment. Saturday before we went to the christmas markets I cooked us breakfast. My brother was looking after my son while we were out and I just had to run him to the shop. When I came home, SO had eaten my breakfast too! I was anoyed cos I was hungry but let it go. Then, Sunday I cooked us a lovely “1 year moving in” anniversary dinner, and he goes to the fridge and gets everone a drink and doesn’t even ask me! Now I know these are stupid little things, but I’m thinking he really isn’t proposing if he isn’t even thinking about me in little things like this. He’s NEVER usually like this so it upset me.
Then the big one last night. We’re laughing and joking as usual, cleaning our teeth before bed. We go up and he went to charge his phone, but when I dried my hair earlier I unplugged the charger to plug the hairdryer in. He actually shouted at me to stop unplugging his charger! I looked at him cos it was so absurd I thought he was joking, but he was really serious and I was totally shocked. It’s completely stupid that he should get so angry by something as insignificant as that! I was completely hurt and it just topped off the weekend for me. Bear in mind that I got home from work, wrapped some more of his christmas presents and wrote heartfelt messages on the tags for him, cooked his dinner, cleaned the house and did the washing, basically waited on him hand and foot, despite also having 2 kids to take care of too!
I’m just so upset. I kow it’s silly but I can’t help it.
Anyway, thanks for letting me get it out.
Post # 3
This is quite a worrying post. I am sorry to read that your boyfriend is being a real jerk to you. Something is happening in his life that you don’t know about.
I don’t want to say it but from the description you have gave there is something on his mind that is making him lash out at you. Could be something innocent as an incident at work to something serious as an “affair”.
Don’t want to get you over thinking anything.
Give him space fo a few days.
Post # 4
I’d be seriously, seriously cross if anyone ate my breakfast! But if his behaviour is so out of character, I’m wondering if there’s something else on his mind. Is he under stress at work, say? Have you had any other signs that he’s not totally happy with life at the moment?
Only while I’m not wanting to excuse thoughtless behaviour, I do know that my Darling Husband (always easy going but occasionally distracted!) is inclined to live on another planet when he’s got a lot of work related angst to concentrate on.
Post # 5
my SO works in a shop that sells car paint! It’s not really a stressful job, certainly not one that would cause him to act like this.
he didn’t specifically eat 2 breakfasts, he just ate everything I’d made without asking whether I’d eaten first, which is probably not so bad, but when you’ve gone to the trouble of cooking for someone it’s downright annoying to have them behave so selfishly.
my SO can at times be moody. ive joked that he’s worse than a nagging wife! however, it was his face that made me think last night was different. He just had this look, it was awful. He went from happy, laughing and joking to furious and nasty. there’s no other word to describe it. i put my back to him to go to sleep (and secretly cry a little) and he made 3 comments that I was sulking. i’m just genuinely hurt.
i’m just so worried, particularly after seeing #4’s post about being reoved from he list for the wrong reasons. Could I have read the signs wrong, that actually he’s planning to end it, rather than propose?
I’m going to follow Mr Bee’s advice and focus on me this Christmas. Either way I’ll be better equipped to deal with whatever happens. But I am definately going to confront him about last night. That crap just is not on.
Post # 6
@aprilnewbee: Yikes!! You did have a rough waiting weekend!! I’m sorry to hear about that!
I’d be upset about the eating of my breakfast, or not being appreciative of the special meal I cooked, not thinking of me when offering drinks.
I probably WOULD have said something, even as a joke, because that’s how I am…like ‘Man I really am hungry, and I was looking forward to that breakfast!’ or ‘OMG where’s my drink’ lol.
My advice to you for the short term, and this may be hard with two kids…try to not cook dinner. Try to not wait on him hand and foot. I’ve done a lot of reading by Rori Rice who talks about not ‘overfunctioning’ by always rowing the boat. As in–As women we want to be married so we ACT like we are married—and then wonder why the guy drags his feet a bit on the proposing!
Maybe tonight try and do something special for dinner for just you and your kids, or even go out…and if your SO asks what’s wrong maybe you could just be honest and say exactly what you said here. Communication is key to change.
Hang in there!!
Post # 7
@aprilnewbee: I just want to add that Mr. Bee’s advice is a GREAT guide to follow. But my two cents is that I prefer the ‘back up plan’ to the first plan. The first plan says to never talk about marriage. I honestly feel that marriage is a choice between two people, and instead of just blindly going through your days hoping and wondering if you two are going to get married (which to me, causes way too much anxiety/worry/stress), why not just ask where he sees you as a couple in two years or so? If it’s not marriage, I’d bring it up and ask how he feels about it….then at least you know where you stand, even if it’s not what you want to hear, you will be one step closer to finding Mr. Right!
Post # 8
@aprilnewbee: Yikes, that sounds so terrible..I’m sorry you’re going through this right now! I agree, I think it’s best for you to take care of yourself right now. It doesn’t sound like he’s in the right space at the moment to be thankful for anything you do for him..and if you continue to do nice things for him and he continues to be ungrateful, you’re only going to feel more and more disappointed.
It sounds like he definitely has something going on. Maybe approach him very matter-of-fact just let him know that his actions these past few days have hurt you and you don’t know what’s going on to bring up this sudden change in his behaviour. Let him know that you’re concerned and worried about him and when he’s ready to talk (and apologise for his actions) that you’ll be there for him. But you will not tolerate him continuing to treat you this way. It’s not fair to you. We all get stressed out and sometimes say things to our partners that we regret. But communication is key and it’s not fair of him to continue to lash out at you like this while also leaving you in the dark about where it’s coming from.
Good luck and I hope you two can get back to a good place together!
Post # 9
@veryberry13: I couldn’t keep quiet. I popped in to see him at his work and we had a quick chat there, where I basically told him he’d been a d*** this past weekend, that his outburst the night before was out of order and that he’d really upset me. He apologised. Actually said the word sorry, normally he just creeps and tries to suck up to me when he know’s he’s in the wrong! That’s progress for you!
Last night i didn’t make dinner, I took my son to his football coaching session, when I came home I made the kids tea and had a shower. SO was buzzing around, trying to help, asking if I needed anything etc etc. Clearly our chat had made him think and he was trying to make it up to me. He was all cuddles and stuff .
However I am still going to look after myself, treat myself and just focus on what I want a bit more. I’m going for lunch with a friend after work, something I wouldn’t usually do because I’d go home and make sure the house was tidy and cook dinner ready for when my SO came home.
Oh and as part of the whole “looking after me” thing I’m going to force him into a serious discussion and get a proper timeline tonight. Thanks for all your advice.
Post # 10
@aprilnewbee: OK, I’m going to be negative first so don’t be mad at me, but then I’ll be positive.
Negative – I know you’re going to firm up timelines today but maybe you should wait. The Backup Plan and Rori Ray’s teachings all say that focusing on yourself needs to take a while. That just because a man responds quickly it can actually hurt things if you immediately jump on the niceness and emotionally “go back to him”. Withdrawing a little (as you’re doing) is supposed to make him see your value to him and his fear of losing you because you are desirable and independent. One day into focusing on yourself does not produce lasting results. It makes you look manipulative to him when you jump on engagement immediately after he’s treated your poorly
Plus, what you describe this weekend is beyond “little things”. The yelling over nothing is weird. Maybe watch for a little while and see if the odd behavior is REALLY gone before deciding it’s time to be married right now.
Positive – My SO just bought the ring earlier this week. The two weeks before he bought the ring he was amazingly attentive but before that he was weird for a month. He never yelled or took me for granted (OK, he would fix himself a drink and I’d have to ask for one for myself a time of two) but he was just grumpy, really quiet (in his man-box) and kind of a turd in general. After the first few days of asking why, where he would deny anything was wrong, I just let it go and did my own thing. When he snapped out of it things were different. We had talked about marriage for the last year but suddenly he was having faster speed internet installed at my house and making major purchases together and two weeks later buying rings. We are pretty close (ok that was I stupid statement, on the waiting board, hopefully we all are) and I think if an outside influence like work, his son, his headcase ex-wife had caused the bad mood I’d have known about the event even if he wouldn’t admit it caused the grumpiness. I kind of think he knew things were coming to a head about our relationship and marriage and he needed some time to turn inwards and think about it. He’s the type that retreats into his head when he is working something out. Sounds like your guy is more outwardly focused and acts out when he’s thinking about things. Never know?
Post # 11
@aprilnewbee: I’m happy to hear that you stood up for yourself and chatted with your man about what was bothering you! I’m also happy to hear that you are focusing on yourself a bit more!!
I do have to agree with what @SomedaymrsWDS: said….I’ve had relapses because once you are in the habit of doing everything (cooking, cleaning, packing lunch for your guy, making breakfast in advance for your guy), it’s VERY hard to not fall back into the same habits. And then it does come across like you are playing games (had similar fallouts with my SO about this!)
I usually try and do at least 50/50….I will happily cook dinner 50% of the time…but like last night, I came home and SO was sleeping. There were leftovers in the fridge, and I wanted a cranberry turkey salad (SO won’t eat that), anyway I just made myself dinner and left him to fend for himself. Not trying to be mean, but the ‘old’ me would have waited for him to wake up, possibly starving myself in the process just to make sure that he had a hot plate and we ate together. (He slept until 730p! Tooooo late for me to have dinner!). Turns out he didn’t want dinner either and just made ramen lol.
Anyway, I’ll likely make something in the slow cooker at lunch so I won’t have to cook tonight, but this is just an example of how I try and do for my guy and then try and do for myself every other night or so. I think this is important because when we do way too much-we FEEL like we are taken for granted because we expect it be the given back to us in return, or at least a thank you, and when it’s not we get upset that we tried so hard!
Hang in there and enjoy lunch with your friend after work!
Post # 12
@SomedaymrsWDS: Thanks for your advice. Of course I wouldn’t be mad! I need an outsiders perpective. And you’re right. I’m going to wait a little while before we have that tlk. I’m not sure he’d see it as playing games, I’ve never been the one to bring up engagement or marriage talk, but I do agree I need to find my own self worth again first.
I feel I have painted him in something of a bad light. I know he’s a moody git at times, he likes everywhere to be clean, he likes things a certain way. His little OCD tendencies are quite funny most of the time and we joke about them. He does pull his weight, is a bit Monica from friends really, whereas after beig a single mum of 2 with a full time job, I realised that actually some things aren’t quite as urgent, and it didn’t matter to me so much if I didn’t hoover every day.
I love your phrase “a turd in general”!! Brilliant!!
Congrats on the ring purchase!! Do you have any ideas when the proposal will come? Are you expecting/hoping for a Christmas one?
Yeah he’s pretty quiet when it comes to feelings so when things are getting to him he will tend to snap. It’s harmless really, just his way of getting it out. Still doesn’t mean I have to stand for it tho 😉
Post # 13
@veryberry13: Thanks 🙂 It felt good to be a bit more assertive.
I’m definately going to wait to have the chat with him.
My friend and I are making it a weekly thing now, and I do other things reguarly too but I’m going to do a bit more. You are so right, I was like being hit with a brick reading what you wrote! I was all “that’s so obvious! why didn’t I think of it?”
Anyway, you seem so nice. Ive noticed other posts you’ve written and you’re so supportive. I hope your own dreams come true for you very soon
Post # 14
@aprilnewbee: I hope my dreams come true very soon too!! Thanks for the compliment and well wishes!
Unfortunately though–It’s likely a good 6 months to a year away..but that’s okay lol. I’ve turned the corner on this whole waiting business!
I hope everything works out for you sooner rather than later as well!