(Closed) Feeling a bit disillusioned…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I have three friends (including my FI) who were divorced by age 24 because their spouses cheated. That totally sucks, but everyone has to evaluate his/her current relationship and not look at the rest of the world, because they are not the ones who will be having the marriage. It sounds like you have a really good outlook–not a doomsday one, but not a rose-colored glasses one either. I think your very balanced approached and the fact that you understand May 23 is about your marriage, not your wedding, is terrific. Have you talked with your Fiance about this? What does he say? I’m sorry you’re having to hear fighting at home–that is never fun. I’m about to move home until my wedding the week before yours (woohoo!!). Good luck! I’m so glad you brought this up here. Gives us all a lot to think about!

Post # 4
Bee
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

Well, biology is always a really poor excuse… but you know some people have trouble overcoming natural drive with instinct, and it’s hard to argue that human beings are naturally built to be lifelong monogamous creatures. It’s what we WANT to be and it’s what we TRY to be, but I daresay that many people fail at that goal because the effort of maintaining fascination and interest in a long-term relationship is more difficult than succumbing to the interest of a new fling.

I wouldn’t be disillusioned, I would just be realistic. Take what other people do with a grain of salt– it doesn’t always (nor should it) apply to you. Do your best. It’s your life to live! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 5
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

  I agree with Mrs. Cherrypie about the biological instinct thing- some people can’t over come it (and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as they are honest with themselves and their partners). 

  What other people do does not apply to you. Don’t let their decisions rain on your parade ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I know a few people who came from divorced families (one of them was the result from cheating), and they have strong marriages right now.  I think it’s because they and their spouses fulfilled all the things they wanted to for their career and themselves before they got married.  Like you, they have a realistic view of marriage.  It sounds like you have a good view on marriage and are pretty much prepared, and I hope that your fiance shares the same view.

As for your parents and people you know, did they also have this view on marriage?  How prepared were they to get married?  I don’t know them, but I’m guessing that they still needed more personal and/or career growth when they got married, which may lead them to cheat…I don’t know – I’m sorry if offended anyone from this comment.  So I see your concern.  However, their situations prior to marriage may be different than yours.  If anything, perhaps you can talk to your Fiance about your concerns like avidillard0110 suggested.  Also, I just took a marriage prep class, which helped my Fiance discern if we’re ready for marriage, talk about how we want to handle different issues like money and communication styles, and other things.  This type of class may help dissolve any of those fears.  

While you may see divorce happen to a lot of people, I hope you see that there are people in healthy marriages as well.  I wish you and your fiance the best of luck on your future marriage!

Post # 7
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor

I’m so sorry to hear that Liz, I can see how that would become really weighty.  I have a pretty different view because of my parents.  They’ve been together for over 35 years and still go on dates, romantic weekends away and are so cute.  As their child I used to find it gross because I never saw anyone else’s parents go on dates, say I love you all the time etc.  But now I really appreciate the example they’ve set for me.  My parents work hard to prioritize their marriage above work and other life stresses and they approach things as a team. I’m not saying it’s good to be naive, but I think focusing on the other 50% is a positive thing. Plus, I’ve heard the "50% of marriages failing" is a faulty statistic.  I can’t remember why though.

I definitely second going to a pre-marital class or counseling.  We haven’t gone to one yet, but will go once we’re back in Maryland. I think they’re a fantastic way to have many major discussions with a mediator about very important issues.  Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My parents divorced when I was in my early twenties.  Because of this, divorce became a sort of obsession for me; I became determined not to let it happen to me.  As a result, the ending of my relationships became a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.   I have been with my fiance for a long, long time, but have broken off our relationship several times because he did something like wear white socks to black pants and I would think, "eventually, this will lead to our divorce".  Luckily for me, he is a strong man who knows me very well, and is willing to invest in our relationship.  Since getting engaged, I have decided to stop focussing on all of the reasons that our relationship might fail, and focus on doing everything in my power to make it work.  We often talk about things that are required for our relationship to be balanced, and make changes and adjustments in our behaviour towards each other so that resentment doesn’t build up.  We are entering our marriage with eyes wide open, but convinced that our marriage will work simply because we are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

Post # 9
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Liz, I’m so sorry you are being bombarded with these negative situations before your wedding.  Please know there are many successful marriages in this world.  It is so hard to imagine, I’m sure when you mostly see divorce.  Any successfully married couples in your lives, you can talk to?  Were you required to go through any premarital programs, or pre-cana, through your church? It can be so helpful.

You sound like you are not disillusioned about marriage.  Let me offer you what some of the major red flags are to getting divorced.

Age– the younger you are, the more difficult it is to maintain your marriage. (I can attest to this.  any friends of mine who have gotten divorced, got married at 22 or 21.) 

Religion– Having religion, (I don’t think it matters to much which one) is more likely to keep your marriage glued together.  I’m assuming that people who are marrying in front of God are feeling like there is a third party to their union, so the vows are also to and with God.  And probably take on more meaning.  When my husband and I were getting married the deacon asked us, if your partner cheated, would you divorce him/her?  Our answers were both no.  The point being, it’s one thing to have a chronic problem on your hands…..But if your partner made one bad decision, your marriage should mean more than just leaving based on that.  Marriage is hard work sometimes.  You have to figure out where the train went off the tracks and get it back on again.  And chances are both people have something to work on.

Finance –  Biggest reason for divorce.  Make sure you know where you both stand, financially.  No holding back debt, salaries etc.  Figure out how you think you should spend and save.

I’m not sure if I’ve offered anything you haven’t already heard…. Just know that if you love your FH and are ready to be married, you can be the successfully married couple everyone else aroud you looks up to.  It sounds like your family could use one of those.  Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Hi there:

I totally agree with you, not because it happen to other people it will necessary will happen to you.

In a marriage, the first thing is always to be honest with each other and to communicate, if you do not talk, you will not have confidence and the marriage will not last.

First of all, you have to be friends, persons who like to be together not just for the sexual part, they love to be together because they laugh together, they trust each other, they like to do things together.

I have my parents who recently had their 41 anniversary.

 

So do not thing that because this happened to your parents, it will happen to you.

 

 

Post # 11
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Actually, Tanya, atheists and agnostics have the lowest rate of divorce.

http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm

edit:  For some reason, the link doesn’t work when you click on it, but if you type in that extension you can see the article.

Post # 12
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Who are the two bees that broke off engagements recently? I only know of one….

For some reason, all of my closest friends still have parents who are married.  I think I should interview them all to find out what the secret is!  My parents have been married for >35 years, they started dating in high school and got married at age 21.  My mom’s parents divorced when she was little and she had no relationship with her dad, my dad’s parents were married for 40 miserable years.  So you don’t have to follow in the footsteps of your parents nor do you have to feel doomed by odds.  I think what is important is all the work you are doing now to mentally prepare for marriage and your realistic view that it is not always easy.

On a side note, I don’t believe that men always cheat.  I absolutely believe my husband when he says he never cheated on a gir.  I also believe several other guys I have dated DID cheat.  You just have to trust and have faith in your spouse and not believe the guys who think everyone cheats just because they do.

Post # 13
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Liz, I’m so sorry that you have had to experience all of that. Unfortunately, I feel like I know exactly how you are feeling. I have had a similar situation and background. My parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade. Honestly, I have not recovered from it and I still have issues from it. My mom remarried and divorced after 9 years about 3 years ago.  Again, that affected me. My Dad remarried a few years ago, and I hate my step-mother. I think she treats my father horrible, me and my brother. She is so rude to my fiance and I have heard her say "I hate him" to my father before. I also have uncles/aunts that were married for 35 years plus and then divorced because one cheated. My fiance doesn’t come from the most stable family either. His birth father left his mom when she was pregnant, and his adopted father deserted him about 5 years after he divorced his mother.  It really does suck, and I’m sorry that you had gone through it.

On that note and someone mentioned it before,  I think that it is really important to try to be the couple that does survive. Strive to be the couple that everyone looks up to.That is what my fiance and I are trying/hoping to do. One of the reason why I am so excited (and yes, incredibly nervous given my family history) to marry him is because we both want a supportive, loving and stable family. We both come from drama filled and "broken" families. It is extremely important to us to not have that. I also don’t have the most supportive immediate family, and he has some major issues as well. We know what it is like to come from it, and we both are so excited to have "our little family", even if it is just us and our dog. I think we understand each other so much because of how we grew up. 

 I have spoken to my aunt/uncles that have had successfull marriages. They say that the key is respect, communication and love. I have heard people say on these boards and around my friends that you can’t be in love forever. I hope/think that it is not true. My particular uncle/aunt that has been married for 20 plus years are still in love and you can see it. They have a busy life too -4 kids, totally different work schedules, but they make it happen. They still go on dates once in awhile. They make time for each other.   

My advice – try to look at the positives! I know its dificult to ignore the big bad negative thoughts and experiences, but the only way to be happy is to have faith that it will work out for you and your fiance. 

Post # 14
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I’m very lucky. My parents have been married for over 30 years , and have been an great example for how I would like our marriage to work. They have had tough times. There was a short time that my mom went to live with my grandma just to get some "time away". I think a lot of the unions I have seen fall apart ( mostly my friends) had bad communication to begin with. I really think communication is key. It’s important to talk and make sure both of you are on the same page. 

 My sister got married at 20 , some people though she was too young , etc etc. Her and her husband make a great team! and again while I know for them it is not always smooth sailing , it’s remembering that you have to stick through the hard times to get back to the good times.  

Personally I think a lot of my generation thinks the world owes us something , I have no idea why. I think many of them are giving up on a good thing too easily , or get into a instant gratification situation with out think about the future.

Post # 15
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I was definitely disheartened when the two bees posted the news of their break-ups. I come from divorced parents as well and have serious abandonment and trust issues. One good thing about being like we are, Liz.Smith, is that we are constantly self-checking and aware of our potential pitfalls. For example, I knew long before we were engaged that we would eventually have to go through pre-marital counseling, not because we "need" it, but because it will help prevent future problems that we may encounter. We started a few weeks ago and it has been wonderful so far. I would highly recommend it to you or anyone else who wants to get the ugly stuff out of the way now, before it is too late.

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