(Closed) Feeling a little dumb…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Are you sure they’re judging you? If I were your friend or family I would just be curious as to why you were waiting so long. A five-year engagement is clearly way beyond the normal engagement length — that doesn’t make it wrong, but it does mean it may confuse the people in your life.

Post # 4
Member
4689 posts
Honey bee

I think “why would you bother” is kind of a harsh way of putting it, but I would be a little confused about the situation too. Maybe they didn’t know the “right way” to ask?

Post # 6
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

There’s no perfect time to get married, and you’re planning A LOT of life events to happen in “perfect” order before you get married.

Finishing school is obviously a great goal, but if you have several years left, and you want to pay off student loans before marriage (and many student loans take years to pay off), you could be looking at a longer than a 5 year engagement. I’m just saying that to your friends and family, to them why even take the engagement step if you’re not even prepared for it.

However if that’s what you & you’re fiance’ have agreed on, more power to you.

Post # 7
Member
11274 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Unfortunately, most people, myself included, have, at some point in our lives, ended up cluelessly asking insensitive questions or inadvertently making insensitive comments to others without really taking the time to think through what we’ve asked or said. Yet, at the time, it was the first thing that came to mind, and we felt comfortable enough either in the relationship or in that particular setting at that particular time to have asked or said it.

Sometimes hours or days later, when we have time to replay the conversations in our heads, we come to the realization that we may have inadvertently asked or said something inappropriate or that is really none of our business.  It’s possible that is what happened in some of these instances with your friends and family.

Post # 9
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@humminbird:  I wasn’t saying you weren’t emotionally unprepared. I was referring to your “To-Do” list: several years of school, finishing off student loans, LDR, etc. And I was giving my opinion on how it probably appears to your family. There’s no reason to feel dumb if you and your Fiance’ feel strongly about your convictions.

Post # 11
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@humminbird:  Then you can respond by saying that you both felt that it was in your relationship’s best interest for you to get engaged and grow together from there. There are important goals that you both felt you wanted to experience and accomplish together as an engaged couple, and you would appreciate their support.

Post # 12
Member
412 posts
Helper bee

long-distance relationships are harder (imo) than normal relationships. i don’t think i could ever do one without a solid foundation AND a foreseeable end-time in the nearish future. there’s so many ways communication can go sideways and you don’t get the daily reinforcement from seeing him that it feels/is right. you miss him, tension/antsines grows, fights spiral. a ring reinforces the fact that you’re both on the same page, that you’re both committed, that the tough times are worth it. it’s so easy to have doubts that maybe this isn’t what the other partner wants, and a ring erases some of that. it also gives you “permission” to make decisions that incorporate the other person, like where you/he moves post-grad. not that you can’t otherwise, but in another year, you’d get people asking why you’re making plans around him if you weren’t engaged. a friend proposed to his gf when he was deciding to go for gradschool, and then went to her school when she said yes. it had a good program, but not necessarily the best program, and he might have gone elsewhere if she’d said no.

i don’t know that i had a point, other to say that i get it. maybe just tell people that you know the other person is “the one”, so why not get engaged and celebrate that now, even though a wedding doesn’t fit into your timeline for another 5 years, because you want to do it right. the part where you say you want to live together for at least two years first might confuse people because it sounds like you’re hedging your bets and that if you find you can’t live with him that you’ll break up, but if you just say that you want to enjoy every experience for itself, and you’ll do things when it feels right not because it’s “expected”, people will back off. if you sound confident in your decision, people will be less likely to question you.

Post # 15
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If you’re planning the wedding and have a date, you’re definitely engaged. I’m sorry that everyone is giving you a hard time about it. I think they probably just are used to the get married, plan wedding, get married timeline. I think it’s perfectly logical to get engaged whenever you are ready in your relationship. You guys are planning your wedding! Even if it’s not for five years, that’s still being engaged. Even if you were getting married in 20 years, you could still be engaged.

If they say something, I would tell them “We have many things we want to accomplish before we get married, but we are still planning a wedding and are engaged.”

Post # 16
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@humminbird:  I’m sorry people are questioning you, please don’t  feel dumb you guys can choose whatever you want to do!

DH and I were together 6 years before getting engaged and then had a 2 year engagement we also got questioned on the time frame.  The way I see it is that we were not married for a good  chunk of our lives,  hopefully will be married for a long time and the engagement time in comparison is so short ( even 5 years) so why not enjoy the engagement time as well 🙂

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