Feeling a little 'less than'….

posted 5 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
282 posts
Helper bee

Whatever you did, it is now behind you and you have a different life. What’s good to some is bad to others and I won’t start discussing whether you made the right choices in the past, but those choices made the woman who you are today. You say yourself that you have a beautiful life, so in a way you should be grateful for your past experience. Be proud of who you are bee! It’s ok to be young and change over time. You grew from it and are now a great wife to your husband. It’s all that matters.

Post # 17
1951 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I have a similar situation…I have a wild past and slept with a large number of men and my husband has had like 6 partners. He did party and did things I never experimented with (drugs) but just didn’t do the one night stand/fuck buddy thing. I’ve never disclosed how many people I’ve slept with because I don’t think it matters. He offered up his number in a random conversation, I never asked for it. 

The past is the past. Yes I have regrets but I had a ton of fun and it is what it is. No point in feeling guilty about it now. 

Post # 18
3216 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

It’s hard not to fall into the trap of judging ourselves by the ridiculous standards society has forced upon us, but you know full well that some arbitrary number doesn’t mean a damn thing about who you are as a person, and having some wild times back in the day doesn’t make you any better or worse than anyone else.

I don’t even know my “number”. Fiance and I have never discussed it, but I do know he was never a huge partier and he is a fairly reserved person so I would be surprised to find out if it was any more than like 5. But I don”t care and I’m fairly certain he doesn’t either, considering he’s never asked. It’s not like I hide the fact that I used to be a pretty big partier, was single for pretty much my entire 20s, and was most certainly not a virgin when we met… he’s not an idiot, I’m sure he can put 2 and 2 together lol

Do yourself a favour and let it go.

Post # 19
625 posts
Busy bee

Of my serious relationships, I have always been the one with the wild past. I didn’t drink, smoke, or have sex until I went to college. I had my first relationship and when that ended and I moved back home I went crazy. I’ve been with….a lot of men and a few women and have done and experimented with a lot. But you know what? I’m not ashamed of it at all! Why should I? It showed me what I do and do not like and has always allowed me to be able to spice things up if the other person hasn’t done something or wants to try.

But….I didn’t discuss it unless they asked. We all have sexual history pasts, but no reason to be ashamed or feel ‘less than’. I think the whole stigma that carries over women who have slept with many men is crappy and adds to this feeling you have. Men who sleep with many women are cheered on. A woman who does the same? She gets shamed which is bullshit. I’ve been around (safely of course!) and I’m proud and happy I did.

Post # 21
1235 posts
Bumble bee

I seriously don’t think if you were a man with 30 under your belt you’d feel guilty, if anything you’d probably feel proud for having played the field before settling down. 

So, ignore society standards and continue on. None of that matters now anyway.

Also we don’t talk about past experiences either. Neither of us want to or think it’s relevant. 

Post # 22
2826 posts
Sugar bee

There’s no reason to stress about this – the past is the past. He hasn’t even asked you about it so it’s clearly not something he cares very much about either. 

I have a very wild past as well, most likely wilder than my husband, but we only discussed previous relationships/partners that might affect our relationship. The others just aren’t relevant. 

Post # 23
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I was really wild and promiscuous and made some pretty terrible decisions when I was younger, not just bad sexual decisions but drugs, alcohol, have been to jail, etc. if you were to meet me you’d probably be shocked to hear that. I’ve told my husband about pretty much everything in my past apart from sexual stuff, I just don’t think it’s necessary for him to know how many partners I’ve had and he doesn’t either. 

Dont beat yourself up over your past, you can’t change it and it doesn’t make you any less than your husband (or anyone!) just because they have a different past.

anon1 :  

Post # 24
1932 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Girl, there is no shame in your game. My husband and I are the same way, and there is NO WAY I would tell him about my past. Nothing good will come of it. I also had A LOT of fun in my 20’s, few serious relationships, mostly hook ups and 3 month-ers (that were mainly hookups!), but its all in the past! The only time it has come up was when we were talking with friends about future kids: he really wants a girl, and I was like there is no way we can have a girl if your kids are punishment for what you did as a kid! I just did a 10,000 ft view of my hs and college career, and he looked at me with wide eyes and said “yeah, we can never have girls”! There are also times when he mentions that we should have (and probably did) crossed paths in our 20’s since we hung out in all of the same places. I just looked at him and said “you wouldn’t have liked me in my 20’s” my friends all agreed and we moved on! 

We both have a past, but its nothing to dwell on or let the other one know about it. He still hangs out with a lot of his hs friends and I know he has dated and hooked up with a few of them. I just don’t need to know all the details: who, when, how many times, etc. But if it came up, I wouldn’t be mad or upset or jealous. It is what it is. You are feeling weird because your friends brought it up in a kinda rude way. Just ignore it, forgive yourself and move on. We’ve all been through it. 

Post # 26
6403 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I am so tired of society and even women themselves shaming women for “numbers.” It’s absurd. You weren’t in a committed relationship, so why should you not have been sleeping with anyone? There is NOTHING to feel guilty about. Your number of sexual partners does not determine your worth as a human being.

Dh and I have never discussed it. Never. He never asked; I never asked. Neither of us cares. The only thing that mattered to us was what happened going forward after we met. I have no guilt and I would imagine he doesn’t, either.

Post # 27
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2025 - City, State

I mean, it sounds like he probably knows, in a general sense, but doesn’t choose to ask questions.  If it were important to him, he would have asked for more detail by now.

Let him not know the specifics. Rest assured that he knows you were “wild” and a partier and he married you anyway.

Post # 28
501 posts
Busy bee

I say this as a person who was incredibly goody two shoes, so please believe I’m comjng from a position of having no defensive based reason for adopting this position. You have NOTHING to feel guilty or ashamed about. There is absolutely nothing bad about being wild in the way you describe. You shouldn’t worry about t and you shouldn’t think your husband was better than you. These aren’t moral issues.

Post # 30
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

TwilightRarity :  lets be fair here and not call him an “untested newb.” We shouldn’t be shaming anybody on here for their sexuality whether they slept with 100 people or 0 people. Imagine if the roles were reversed and the guy came on here saying he never slept with anyone and his girl slept with 100 people and someone came on here saying well at least you accepted a slut. OMG the pitchforks would be out. While obviously the OP has nothing to be ashamed of lets not insult the guy here either because he hasn’t had as much experience. Just like there isn’t anything wrong with the amount of people OP slept with there is nothing wrong with the fact he didn’t sleep with as many people.

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