(Closed) Feeling alone… (long)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

don’t have much advice to give you, but here is alot of (((((((((((((((((((hugs!))))))))))))))))) things will work out for you in the long run, it is YOUR wedding, and things should be your way, and knowing only what you’ve said in the post…the memories or feelings you have about your mother would taint the day. good luck. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I wish I had your strength… 

 

My family has done something similar to me and I wake up everyday wanting to walk away and elope… But realize it’s unfair to my fiancée family and my other side of the family and my friends who want to be there. We gave in too much to my mom and I regret every sacrifice for her…

 

Although we are paying for the wedding ourselves my mom continues to push her ideas on me and has been making up lies to make herself look better when she doesn’t get her way. Our original plan was for Hawaii but my mom told people I intentionally chose Hawaii so my siblings and her wouldn’t go! So I moved it closer for her…. And now she saying she won’t go at all because of my dads family. She didn’t even go to my engagement party and refuses to help…. Now she is insisting she walk immediately before me down the aisle after the bridal party…. Is she crazy!… And that I seat my extended family (who has supported me through all this) farthest away from me… And there is just soooo much I don’t even know how to explain. It’s become a circus in my immediate family and my fiancé is tired of it too! We plan on having nothing to do with them after the wedding… 

 

I wish I could disinvite them or cancel the wedding and redo it our way. It’s our deposit money anyways. And no one has put in a cent beyond us… His side offered but I didn’t want it because my parents arent helping and my family strongly outnumbers his…..

 

I wish i could so badly…. Sigh…But I can’t do that to my fiancé

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

The only negative thing that I will say is that you should have done this sooner. Good for you for standing your ground, and unfortunately, hurting family is sometimes something you can’t control or stop from happening. Hopefully, your father understand why you did what you did.  You need to make sure that you never let your mother control you again, and if that means she will be angry for a while ,so be it. You have the right attitude, just try to keep it up so that you don’t cause another rift between you and your fiance

Post # 6
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

 

Also, stay strong and only you know what it right for you and him…. 

 

After you get married it is between you and him. You’ll create a new family and be able to teach your kids the right way. You know what not to do and know that you won’t hold things over their head like your mom…

 

Take your wedding as a new starting point… And with or without your mom. You have your husband… 

 

*hug*

Post # 7
Member
5763 posts
Bee Keeper

Even tho you’ve cancelled everything, do you now feel happy or relieved? I just sense the sadness in your post and an unsure feeling about all of it. Sometimes what you think is the ‘right thing’ turns out to be anything BUT, and I hope you end up not regretting your decision.

Many people have awkward adult relationships with their parents, so are you sure she was totally taking over or was she just trying to do things to make you happy on a day that is so special? Sometimes people say they don’t want certain things and it turns out they really do….

Best of luck in working this all out in both your head and your heart.

Post # 9
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

for what it’s worth. . . personally I think you should go ahead with the wedding for your dad’s sake. i could never live with myself knowing that I cancelled my dad’s opportunity to walk me down the aisle, just because I was unhappy about the way my mom was acting.

i have a very, very overbearing and controlling mother too, and you know what? i just dealt with it. some things I thought would have been lovely, she vetoed. could we have paid for our own wedding? sure. but for us, and for me, as much as I loved our wedding, i realized that it was really not just about me and my husband. it was about our families, and specifically it was my parents’ chance to throw their daughter a wedding. yes, it is also the only chance I get to *have* a wedding .. but I guess for me, honoring the people who gave me life, was more important.

just my 2 cents. i’m not trying to be harsh-just speaking honestly.

Post # 10
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

@Cicera: I have to reply to this post because it really hits home to me. I have to say that you are extremely wise and strong to realize what you did and to put ACTION toward it. I’m sure cancelling the wedding knowing the implications was not an easy decision. In the end though, it was a very respectable and admirable decision. Your mom is so wrong for manipulating you like this.

I have also been in your shoes. I am the child out of four others who has always been successful in everything. I went to the best schools and they paid my way through a very expensive, private university. They even put loans in their name so I wouldn’t come out with any debt. My parents have always helped me financially in any way they could. They never did so, as a loan or with the expectation of me paying it back. However, I’ve now realized that they use it to hang it over my head and manipulate me. (my mom mostly). Unfortunately, a series of events have put my parents in a very bad financial situation and since I am living on my own and have a great job, they expected me to give up what I had to move back and help them make ends meet. I felt it unfair for me to pick up and move to help pay a $2300 mortgage. Not only that I would’ve been a babysitter/second parent as well.

My SO and I are at a point that we will be getting engaged soon and eventually living together as husband and wife. Moving in with my parents again doesn’t play into this future. My mom is unhappy with my choice of partner. Although she does not specify reasons why It is because we are an interracial couple and he makes a normal amount of $. My mom wants me to be with a rich guy (most likely so we can pay her back for the “investment” she’s made in me. My parents have yielded so much control over my entire life that its ridiculous. Only recently have I realized this. I have since distanced myself from them (not cut off…just distance) and this has caused terrible problems between us. I have always been close to my family but now they look at me as the enemy. I am trying to be happy about my future with SO, but their disapproval is a hanging cloud. I wish they could just be happy for me, but my mom is constantly making up lies to get me to go over there so they can bash me and perform an “intervention” to cause me to break with SO.

I know this is long, but I know how you feel! Parents have an obligation to raise their kids, but should never hang this over their heads at any point. I’m not sure how SO and I are going to deal with what lies ahead.

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