Post # 1
I’ve been having a bit of a hard time lately. Both the hubs and I have been working a lot since the wedding, so I don’t get to see him or anyone else very much. On Monday, in his typical overly-anxious and over-sharing fashion, he told me that he’s had feelings for this girl a work. He didn’t do anything and isn’t going to, but thought I should know. I know he was trying to do the right thing and be honest, but it still broke my heart.
Tonight he had to work late and he just called to ask if I could give him a ride because he and this girl and one other girl have been finishing a project and someone went the liquor store and got beer. I’m broken-hearted that he’s there late with her and I don’t feel like I can call any of my friends in real life because I’m supposed to put my marriage first, keep our issues to ourselves, etc. I feel so alone.
I guess I don’t know what the point of this post is. It’s been a hard week both professionally and personally. I guess I just need someone to saw it will all be ok…
Post # 3
Aww. I’m sorry. I think you should tell him how his behavior makes you feel. He can’t help that he’s having feelings for someone but it sounds like the two of you need to spend some quality time together and reconnect.
Post # 4
@ Ms_nickie — I think you’re absolutely right. He’s been working so much that I don’t really feel like I’ve actually connected with him in months. Thanks for responding — feeling a little desperate here on my couch…
Post # 5
Wow, what an awful situation to be in! =( I definitely agree with ms nickie that you need to set aside some time for you guys to reconnect. And tell your husband that while you appreciate his honesty (which really is great, but ugh!), it’s causing you a lot of pain. Gently ask him to put himself in your shoes- how would he feel if you confessed to be crushing on someone at work? I know with my guy, he doesn’t think about that sort of stuff until I ask him to, and then he realizes how unfair he is being to me. Maybe that will help. But either way, take the time to remind yourselves why you fell in love in the first place! =)
Post # 6
I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s good that he’s honest with you at least. I agree that you should tell your hubby how you feel and that you two should make a special effort to spend more time together. I guess most people will find themselves attracted to one or a few people outside of their relationship at some point in their lives. But if it”s more than just a minor attraction and it’s “feelings” like you say, maybe it’s best that he look for a new job.
Post # 7
Post # 8
goodness that is hard. i hope you are able to talk about it and figure it all out. im glad you felt you could share this with us! x i would be heartbroken too.
Post # 9
I am so sorry you have found yourself in a situation like this. I am honestly not sure what I would do in your shoes. First of all, it seems as if both of you really want to continue being married. Obviously you are crushed by the situation and your husband cares enough to at least be honest with you. I know this seems like the go-to response in serious marital situations, but I honestly think this is a good time for couples counseling to step in. Both of you need to reevaluate your situation together. Relationships take work and effort to be successful. At this point, priortizing you as a couple is the most important thing. Also, I think your hubby needs to be really careful about how much time he is spending with his co-worker. The more time he spends with her, the tougher it is going to be on both of you. For one thing, it’s not fair to you, and secondly, he isn’t going to be able to focus on fixing his relationship with you while he is fighting feelings for a co-worker. Best of luck to you! *Hugs!* I hope everything works out!
Post # 10
Communication is key. My husband has a good female work friend and he has never said anything about having feelings for her and if he did that would be a whole other story- but like others have said above you really need to let him know how this friendship with this girl at work is making you feel. I had to be totally honest with my husband and let him know that it is not okay for him to go to lunch one on one with his female work friend or do anything else together one on one with no one else there…no lunch, no dinners, no going out for drinks, no nothing! ha, it’s not that I don’t trust him, I’m just simply not comfortable with the idea of them being alone. I’m not off with some guy having lunch by myself so he shouldn’t put me in that situation. After we talked about it I felt much better. I realize I can’t tell him he can’t be friends with this girl (although I’d prefer it of course:o) but boundaries definitely need to be set. He is YOUR husband and she is the outsider, not the other way around. You definitely need to stand up for yourself on this one (not saying you haven’t done that) I’m just preaching what I know works to help give yourself peace of mind. I know our situations aren’t exactly the same, but talking it out usually always helps :o) Good luck and I wish you the best!
Post # 11
It is completely normal during a long-term relationship for people to have “crushes” on people other than their partner, and it isn’t bad as long as the person doesn’t act on it and takes measures to keep a safe distance from that person. I do think that he shouldn’t have told you though, as it causes unnecessary hurt, and I’m sure he would never do anything to risk your relationship together regardless.
This crush of his can also be a cry for help though, so you definitely need to reconnect with him! I started crushing on a co-worker of mine a few months ago because I wasn’t getting something I needed out of my relationship, and we hadn’t really connected in a while. Once I talked to my boyfriend about these problems (not about the crush though, that would have been unnecessarily hurtful) and we sorted them out, everything was blissful and wonderful and our relationship just continues to grow! My “crush” was completely gone from my mind just as quickly as he came in; he actually grosses me out now. Sometimes little crushes can be a sign that something is missing in your relationship, so he is likely feeling the need to reconnect with you. Talk to him about how you feel and make a plan to improve your relationship, communication does wonders!
Post # 12
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! I agree, that sitting down and letting him know how you’re feeling (about everything!) is a great step in the right direction. Communication is key.
I’m glad he was open and honest with you about his feelings. However, I would let him know that you’re not comfortable with him spending any one-on-one time with her or drinking with her (no matter who is around). Those are two situations where he would be putting himself in a compromising position and just inviting temptation. Spending time with just her, when he has feelings for her, is kind of an obvious thing not to do. As for drinking, this is just my personal thought, but drinking often leads people to do things they might not normally do when sober. Therefore, it might be wise just to not get drunk when she’s around. A drink or two? Sure. Getting drunk? Not so much.
As to what you said about how you feel like you can’t tell anyone, I don’t think that necessarly true. Of course you want to put your marriage first, but I can tell you that getting the occassional piece of advice from friends and family is healthy. No one should feel alone and it’s important to still take time to spend with your friends and family.
Post # 13
Beer and work?!? That doesn’t seem right. If he’s working, why is he drinking? If he’s done working, why isn’t he home with you?
I’m so sorry you are in this position. I think he’s also feeling the disconnect with you, but doesnt know that is what he is feeling. Probably is just feeling closer to his crush, not realizing that he just needs to make more of an effort to spend time with you.
I hope you guys have had a chance to talk things through and find ways to make each other a priority.
Post # 14
I don’t want to sound unsupportive. I totally get what you mean about feeling kind of alone after being married. We moved across the country right after we got married and since I spend time working or being with my husband, there’s not much time to make girl friends and sometimes it would be nice to have that. SOunds like you need some girlfriends right abou tnow. I agree with what others have said that you guys really need to tlak about how you are feeling alone and how his comments make you feel. Marriage is hard work and sometimes its easy to take for granted that the other person is just sitting there at home for you, but, I think that once your married, that’s wehre the hard work begins- you really have to work to keep things going. I also have to agree with mmsva- if he’s drinking so much at work that he needs a ride home, how much quality work is getting done. He should be able to finish up work and then get home to spend some time with you. Definately have a good long talk and make sure that you get out of your marriage what you need too.
Post # 15
I’ve been thinking about your situation and I really feel for you. You are in a sucky, sucky situation! I was thinking what I would do. I think I would write him a letter or sit down with him and say–
“Honey I’d really like to discuss something with you. I know that throughout our marriage we will both have crushes and be tempted. I just didn’t think it would be so soon.
I appreciate the fact that you feel safe enough with us and me to tell me that you have feelings on someone you work with. But I’ve been uneasy with that knowledge since we don’t spend as much time together and I’m feeling disconnected from you.
I have to believe you told me about your crush for a reason. Those reasons could be:
- You want permission to do something wrong
- You want to make me jealous or punish or hurt me
- You want help to not do something wrong
So why did you tell me? Are you mad at me and want to make me jealous? Let me know that someone else finds you attractive? If that is the case, can we please talk about what the real issue between us is? If you are mad or disappointed, please tell me so we can work it out.
Or did you tell me because you know that the temptation is there and you want help not to do something you would regret? I want to help you, but I don’t want to become your Mother telling what you can and can’t do. But I think *we* could come up with some things that you can do (or not do) to help alleviate the situation. Maybe we could spend more time with each other doing fun things where we are the focus (not like watching TV). It might not be a good idea for you to be around her late at night, alone or with alcohol involved.”
Good Luck and let us know what happens!
Post # 16
Wow mmsva, that was beautifully put! Well said!!