Post # 1
I have finally gotten around to asking my ladies (and one gent) to be in my bridal party. Last night I had dinner with my Maid/Matron of Honor and I gave her a card where I officially asked her. I am sure it wasnt a surprise to her since we have been best friends for 25 years (we are 28) and she was visibly moved by the gesture, so yay! it meant as much to her as it did to me.
but… immediately after she put down the card, she began talking about how she will just have to be sure to make sure things in my wedding dont interfere with things going on for her brother’s wedding 4 weeks before, where she is also Maid/Matron of Honor. she talked about how it should be ok because her Future Sister-In-Law is so easygoing and how she will just have to be good at budgeting since she has to plan 2 of everything. she said maybe things from her FSIL’s shower could be reused for mine.
i am aware that her brother’s wedding outranks mine (although to be honest, she and i are really close, and our familes are very close with each other so his wedding means a lot to me too). i am happy she and her Future Sister-In-Law get along so well, but i know the main reason she is Maid/Matron of Honor for her is the girl has no close friends.
i tried really hard to not let it get to me, but for whatever resason – jealousy, selfishness, anxiety? – it really made me sad. i guess i kind of feel like being my Maid/Matron of Honor should be more important to her than being Maid/Matron of Honor for someone she barely knows. but at the same time, i get that it is her brother’s wedding too. and then i got to feeling guilty that my wedding will be a financial stress for her since it is second one. and i also felt terrible that i will be creating that stress for her, but i still WANT my bride experience (god i hate myself for typing that)…
when she mentioned reusing decorations, that stung because it seems to imply Future Sister-In-Law and i are interchangeable, and there would be no thought put into my shower. it would just be whatever stuff was laying around. i KNOW that isnt what she was thinking or how she meant it, but that is how it felt. i told her that if they did decide to throw a shower it didnt have to be anything elaborate, and i meant that. i want a shower, but a backyard BBQ and a pitcher of sangria would be absolutely fine with me. i dont want to bankrupt my friends, i just want to share this huge part of my life with the people who have been so supportive of it.
basically i just feel like poop about the whole situation and needed to vent about it. i am sure i will recover with time….
Post # 3
I can totally understand where you’re coming from. The fact is though – that all the other things you mention are just “stuff” as compared to the reaction she had and the emotions you both felt when you asked her. Decorations are material…and in no way shape or form make the experience you will share with your Maid/Matron of Honor “interchangeable” in any way. If you are happy with a backyard BBQ shower with a pitcher (or two) of sangria…tell her that!
Don’t be sad – this is going to be an amazing experience (because as we know from being on here – every wedding is completely different). She is a friend and Maid/Matron of Honor to you in a different way … and there is nothing to be jealous of. In fact, I bet that her brother’s sis is going to be waaaay more jealous! 🙂
Post # 4
Try not to let it get to you. I’m sure she is thrilled to be in your wedding as Maid/Matron of Honor but weddings can be pricey for everyone. If her brother’s wedding is 4 weeks before yours, you’ll still have plenty of time for it to stand out as a separate special event.
Also, you have a year until the wedding so that should be plenty of time for you to plan out pre-wedding events without interference with the other wedding (i.e. dress fittings, showers, bachelorette party, etc.).
Post # 5
Look at it this way—
Your MoH has agreed (no one has forced her) to take on two very large commitments at around the exact same time, and she wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t love you and if you didn’t mean a lot to her.
Being a smart lady, she’s obviously going to look for shortcuts wherever she can, because she wants to do a great job for both brides but she also doesn’t want to go bankrupt or become an insomniac. So try not to take some of her comments the wrong way— yes every one of us wants our showers and parties to be special, but we have to allow the planners to use their judgement in how to make it special and where to cut corners. If she chooses to save time and money on the decorations by using them twice, that frees her up (quite a bit!!) to spend more time and care on the things that really make a difference. I know it stings a bit to hear that someone’s already planning on recycling these things, but try and look at it for what it is: a relatively unimportant detail that can often eat up stupid amounts of time.
Take a deep breath. Give her credit for knowing well in advance that she is going to have some juggling to do, and always remember that she loves you enough to do two big projects at once.
Post # 6
Aww I’m sorry that you’re feeling that way, and I think it’s understandable for sure. But be happy that she’s so open with you and willing to discuss her concerns, and be thrilled that she agreed to be in the wedding despite the other commitments (which, while they might not be as important as being Maid/Matron of Honor in your wedding, she did make first). I say be happy that she’s so open because you read so many other posts about how brides hear at the last minute about the stress of a Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor related to their wedding. Because she’s being open with you, there won’t be any resentment on her part, and you’ll be able to know when to ask for help/involvement, and when to let her be.
I’m sure she is so happy and honored to be in your wedding, and she would never want you feeling upset or jealous about the other wedding.