Post # 1
Hello, Need Advice.
this post is anonymous and in third person and uses names of the characters from the TV show The Affair, because sharing thoughts directly is too uncomfortable.
So let’s say there’s a couple that’s been married for around three years. The husband’s name is Cole, and the wife’s name is Alison. Cole is a wonderful husband in all the ways that count; handsome, kind, generous, and good hearted. Cole has a best friend, Noah. Cole and Noah are such good friends that they talk at least every couple of days and even Skype, because Noah lives far away. They have been best friends since they were in junior high. When Alison meets Noah for the first time, she finds that they get along very well as friends, and when he leaves she finds that she is bothered greatly by his absence, which she finds to be unexpectedly weird and uncomfortable. But time goes by, and Alison lives life happily enough with her beloved husband. Through the grapevine they learn that Noah has recently been married. Then Cole decides to visit Noah, and takes Alison with him to Noah’s house. No sign of the new wife, and no mention. And when Alison meets Noah again, she feels like she has been hit by a train, and cannot explain why. And she can’t seem to control her thoughts. Nothing happens of course, and nothing ever will, because Alison is not like that, and loves her husband would not break the promises of matrimony. But when they leave, Noah kisses Alison on the cheek, as a brother would a sister, and Alison is so shaken up by this that she cries with no explanation. And Alison is so distressed over the next few weeks but can do nothing expect post in a forum, looking for advice on how to think of this person properly as a brother. Because Alison is not that religious but there is a Bible verse-Matthew 5:27-28 <sup>27</sup>”You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ <sup>28</sup>But I tell you that anyone who looks at a [person] lustfully has already committed adultery with [them] in [their] heart. And so Alison feels that she has done wrong, even though she has done nothing. So, Bees, how can Alison find peace with her thoughts and enjoy her marriage and think of Noah purely as a friend and brother?
Post # 2
Alison should realize that she is human, is not blind, and is allowed to have a crush as long as she does not act upon it. She should understand that this infatuation with Noah is easy, because she only sees him at his best moments.
She doesn’t see the “human” side of Noah who makes mistakes, is annoying, leaves the toilet seat up for her to fall into when she goes to pee in the middle of the night, and with whom she may actually end up clashing with if she saw enough of him.
She should acknowledge her crush for what it is, then snuff it—because she is married and her husband does not deserve to have her constantly thinking about another man.
Post # 3
HOT DAMN! when does episode 2 come out??
Post # 5
Alison should ask herself if all this would be happening if she was as happy in her marriage as she says she is and if she can honestly say there is nothing missing. Then Alison should start by refocusing on her own relationship. If she can’t let it go to the point she finds herself breaking down in tears then she might want to look into counseling. Something isn’t right.
Post # 6
My advice to Alison would be to not take it so hard on herself, it’s okay. People can still get crushes while married. Our bodies don’t have an off switch for that, especially when designed to breed.
What Alison can do is to take all that energy and refocus it on her marriage. When I’ve had this happen, I usually found a source of discontent in my relationship (one was long distance, one was being ignored and feeling unloved). Notice all of Cole’s good traits, remind yourself of all the things you love about him. Maybe even try something new in the bedroom. Always distract yourself and never dwell on thoughts of Noah. If any thoughts come up, say “He has *insert negative trait* and will not occupy my mind” then go do something else or just observe as many things about your current environment as you can in order to push him out of your mind. I find looking at puppies on animal shelter websites gets me distracted real quick, and instead makes me think of the life I’m building with the most wonderful man.
Hope this helps, best of luck!
Post # 7
Alison should know that most married women go from time to time through infatuation/crushes. The point is to not act on them and to know those feelings will go away when they are not fed.
So no idealizing of either Noah himseld or Alison’s feelings toward him, no comparisons with Cole. No indulging in thinking about Noah at all. Especially no thinking that Noah is somehow special or that feeling is special.
Finding peace in knowing that it is natural and that those feeling will go away eventually, and Noah will be seen as a friend again.
It may take Alison about a year to get over her feelings if she decides to not act upon them.
Post # 8
Alison can also spend some time online to educate herself about dangers of extramarital infatuation and learn how to overcome it, for example: https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2009/04/what-feeds-an-extramarital-infatuation/
Post # 9
Alison thanks you for all of your helpful suggestions. She will definitely work on strengthening her relationship with Cole. This will definitely be important, as Cole is seriously considering moving to the same city as Noah and becoming business partners with him. Alison has her say but knows he is greatly enthused by this idea. He has even taken her to look around at houses in Noah’s neighborhood.
Post # 10
You don’t see this person enough to have such strong feelings, so you’re allowing/encouraging it to happen. So you have to figure out why you’re doing that. Maybe because youre bored or unhappy and think it’s exciting, maybe you want to sabatoge your own relationship, Maybe you feel you need drama in your life, don’t know why. You have to figure out what it is that makes you want to indulge in these thoughts.
Post # 11
Does no one else find it weird that Cole and Noah are so close that they Skype every few days but Cole finds out that Noah got married “through the grapevine”?
Post # 13
Ooooo plot thickens. The 3rd person thing is *kinda* creepy but it’s interesting
Post # 14
sandiegobee : Noah was engaged once before, (before Cole and Alison had gotten together) but he got cold feet and disappeared on the day of the wedding without explanation. The story was he got cold feet and instead hopped a plane to the destination that was supposed to be for the honeymoon. The bride had an emotional breakdown, and since they shared such a close mutual friend circle Noah was too embarrassed to invite anyone the second time he got married, so he just did it and let people find out. At least, that’s how it was explained to Alison by Cole and other friends of his.
Post # 15
What is so attractive about Noah that is missing in Cole?