(Closed) Feeling bad and not sure how to approach this…

posted 4 years ago in Guests
Post # 31
Member
1984 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This stems from hurt and yeah I would be hurt too. She has some good points, she found out that you had an open bar, random plus 1’s, other cousins and friends, but no invite for her as a cousin! Even if you don’t see her that much, that doesn’t mean she didn’t feel your family relationship was important. Not gonna lie, you made it clear that she wasn’t really important to you, no wonder she blocked you.

I think you need to apologize profusely, try to make it up to her. If you ignore this, it will just be more verfication that you don’t care about her at all. 

Post # 32
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

 

View original reply
anonymous03091989 :  If I were in her shoes, depending on how close I felt to your DH, I’d be hurt.  Also, if her parents recently separated and her mom went through an illness, maybe she’s having a tough time in general, and being left out of this family event kind of added to that for her? Those things wouldn’t be your problem if they were true, but I’m just speculating :).

 

I can see the point of the bees who are saying to not do anything, but personally, I’d either have DH reach out to her or write her a note myself and let her know that it wasn’t intentional and that you’re sorry for any hurt feelings – and then let it go.  

Chances are, she’ll still be mad, because I’m sure from her point of view, she’s just 1 person (2 if you count a plus one) and why couldn’t you have just added her since you were making ‘cousin exceptions’ anyway?  Especially when her parents weren’t coming, which was 2 less guests?  Yada yada yada (I’m not questioning your decision, wedding guest lists are always tough, and if she’s not married, she probably has no clue – I’m just seeing it from her point of view).

And yes, it’s on her a little bit to be an adult and let it go too … which hopefully she will, in time.  But at least if you reach out, you’ve done your best – for all she knows, you didn’t invite her bc you didn’t like her – so at least this way she has some evidence (evidence she may or may not choose to believe, but whatevs) that it’s not personal.

Post # 33
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

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anonymous03091989 :  

Glad you didn’t send the “gift sniffing announcement” – I have to admit, that was a joke within my immediate family for quite some time! LOL

I spoke to my aunt about it after my father died…she tried to justify it – cost, just a few people, etc …it was actually part of another conversation, basically about how I felt like I put in effort with my cousins and got nothing back – while I felt better saying what was on my mind, nothing came of it…we really didn’t have any relationship for a number of years; however, my cousins and I reconnected on Facebook and while we haven’t discussed the weddings (one is already divorced!), we have taken some small steps forward in our relationship…I have let it go…we will never have close relationships, which makes me sad – but I think that is more a function of distance and being middle aged at this point…it is what it is…

I too am an only child (I think part of the other reason I took this so hard) – my husband has a small immediate family and a HUGE extended family … our relationship with his sister is up in the air – his mother has alientated us from the immediate family, and he doesn’t have much interest in his extended family…our friends are our family as well, so I totally get that! 

I guess my point is – your husband’s cousin seems to WANT some kind of relationship with you guys (or wanted…lol) – I would work to try to repair that. As I get older, it makes me sad that I don’t have more family, and the family I do have, I am trying to hang on to and develop those relationships…I wish I worked harder 20 years ago. My husband and I have overlooked a lot with his family for the same reason, but unfortunately, his mother has made things difficult.

Post # 34
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Sorry to say, but I may be on your cousins side here. I have a very large family too, with 11 aunts and uncles and 15 cousins (plus their spouses). Although I am closer to some than others, I could never imagine not being invited to one of their weddings or not inviting them to mine. My venue is also very small and very expensive. However, I invited EVERYONE in my extended family, meaning all aunts, uncles and cousins. I think it is highly offensive to not include family at a wedding. Some declined and we were able to send out a second round of invites to friends that got pushed down the list, but none of our friends were offended that they were second in line to family.

My fiances family is much smaller (only 4 blood relatives), but he also never said a word about inviting my entire huge family. He is marrying into my crazy family and wants them all present. If I were your cousin, I would be hurt too. Sorry bee. 

Post # 35
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

You’ve done nothing wrong IMO… you had a budget and had to make decisions accordingly. In your case it was at aunts/uncles, and certain other family members, depending upon your relationship with them. You can’t invite everyone! If you had invited cousins and then had a cash bar, then I’m sure there would have been other kinds of comments- you really can’t win, I’m afraid. I would just continue with your life as normal! I don’t think that you owe anyone an apology- it’s not like you promise to invite her and then retracted!

Post # 36
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

This is why “all or none” should be a hard and fast rule. You said yourself that you and your husband figured that inviting just aunts and uncles was the only fair was to do things – and then you invited some cousins. Feelings are bound to get hurt. It’s hard to believe that it’s not personal when you’re cherry picking relatives. Especially when the primary reason was “we’re not close enough to you,” like that seems pretty personal. Not to pile on here, but do you know if she’s the only cousin that’s upset? Because I’m from a big family too and if I invited a couple cousins but not the rest, it would cause a serious rift.

Post # 37
Hostess
4214 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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ct2015 :  Agreed.  I have a similarly large family (30 first cousins on one side) and all the cousins are always invited, even for small weddings.  Not all of us are close, but I’m sure people would be offended if someone didn’t invite all the cousins.

Post # 38
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

What I don’t get is why you’re hurt that she’s hurt? 

You made a decision to exclude her (understandable or not) so you have to own it and be ok with the fact that she gets to have an emotional reaction to that. The fact that her reaction is so extreme…oh well. It’s a good thing that you aren’t close to her so you can just write off the loss as ‘oh well.’

She’ll either get over it or she won’t. That’s on her. But for you to feel hurt just perpetuates the hurt cycle cuz now when she doesn’t invite you to the annual reunion (or snubs you at it) instead of taking it good naturedly or de-escalating things you’re going to be reaction from a place of reactionary hurt! My head hurts just thinking about the I’m hurt cuz you’re hurt that I’m hurt cuz you’re hurt chain of events!

Post # 39
Member
6988 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m wondering why you’re bothered enough that a cousin of your husband’s is upset at not being invited to your wedding that you’re twisting yourself into knots. Her emotions are hers- she gets to be upset about feeling left out but it doesn’t mean you should have done anything differently. If anyone should be worrying about reaching out to her to clear the air, it’s your husband, not you. As some people here have expressed- they would assume that any cousin of theirs who was having a wedding should send them an invitation. As others have expressed- sharing blood doesn’t obligate anyone to invite people to their events. It’s just a difference of perspective. You had a budget and you worked within it. Your husband was in charge of how things were handled with his family. She’s hurt that she wasn’t invited. All of those things can be true at the same time but not mean that you need to do anything about how she chooses to handle her emotions.

Post # 41
Member
8991 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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anonymous03091989 :  Here’s the source of the problem: “We really wanted to have our wedding at a particular venue close to home and it was a tad pricey.” Your husband’s cousin is surprised and hurt to discover that a pretty venue was more important than she was. She apparently felt that their relationship was close enough that she would be invited to the most important day of his life and is disappointed to learn that he doesn’t feel the same. There’s probably not much that can be done at this point. You say “it’s not personal” but it most definitely is. If you elope and nobody is there with you, then you can say “it’s not personal.” But when you choose to invite a bunch of people and then leave some people out, that is by definition personal. If they aren’t that close and she’s being silly or petty about it, then you shouldn’t be too upset. If they were close enough that it was reasonable for her to expect to be invited, then you can apologize and hope she gets over it but need to be prepared that she might not be able to. It’s hurtful, sad, and embarassing to realize you’re not as important to someone as you thought you were, and that can be really hard to get over.

Post # 42
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Meh, I’m kinda with you. We both have a TON of cousins, especially him (his dad is one of 10), and I think only 3 or 4 got invited. We had to make choices, and we wanted to have those people who we were closest to, among other things. Like, there are cousins he hasn’t spoken to in 5-10 years, or more… sorry, not invited. 

Also, personally, I wouldn’t be offended or worried if I weren’t invited to a cousin’s wedding. And it HAS happened. No skin off my back! I understand. 

I’d let it go. 

Post # 43
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - October 2017

I would simply explain the events to your cousin and let them know it was not your intention to hurt their feelings. Perhaps you will be able to make amends. 

Post # 44
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Two of my cousins didn’t invite me to their weddings, but invited my parents. I know it may be surprising, but somehow I was able to live with their decision.

 

Post # 45
Member
2749 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I’m in a similar situation – my mother is one of six.  We invited no cousins on my side except for one and her wife, because we’d been to their wedding earlier in the year.  On DH’s side, we invited three of his cousins who we see often; his other cousins I have only met once and so we made the decision not to invite them.  I know this breaks the “invite in circles” idea, but honestly it worked for us.  If we’d invited all my cousins we would have had another twenty people there and wouldn’t have fitted in our venue.  My sister did something similar – invited the two cousins she is closest to (one was a Bridesmaid or Best Man anyway) and it was fine.

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