(Closed) Feeling bad and not sure how to approach this…

posted 5 years ago in Guests
Post # 46
7555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Not personal = firm cut off of no cousins

Personal = finding out you were the cousin not invited whilst others were.

Cherry picking relatives is going to hurt feels, you reap what you sow.

Post # 47
3050 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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Daisy_Mae :  Agree! Well said. 

Post # 48
4066 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I feel like family trumps venue, but all you can do now is apologize and try to make amends.  Sincere apologies still go along way I think.

Post # 49
6531 posts
Bee Keeper

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anonymous03091989 :  I feel you on the guest list. It is so hard to do what you want, budget, include everyone, etc. I wanted smaller so we also cut the guest list. Many family is out of country so many couldn’t come anyhow. That said, I would see if there is another reason the cousin is upset.

Because I know I would be hurt to not be invited to my cousins wedding, but I also would not cut off all contact with them, they are still family.  I would still talk to them. So to me that seems a harsh response, which tells me that perhaps there was some bad blood beforehand? Did something else happen?

Post # 50
1616 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I only invited one cousin from my side as he is dating my close friend, and one from my husbands side as his uncle was recently separated and we didn’t want him to have to travel alone. It’s ok to not invite cousins, I think it just got messy when your husband invited some and not others. Honestly, I wouldn’t be fazed by it.

Post # 51
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I mean she has a right to be upset–it’s not unreasonable to feel slighted when some cousins got invited but not others.  It creates a feeling of alienation and who would want to feel left out like that? 

Theres really nothing that can be done now other than apologize sincerely.  If they hold a grudge for a while, be understanding.  You chose venue over family–not even all but some family.  Live with the consequences of your actions.

Post # 52
7933 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

For me personally, a wedding is about family – not about nice photo ops with an ideal venue or space limitations or picking and choosing who makes the cut. Family is inherently valuable to me by virtue of being family. You made your decisions, and others here have already done an excellent job of explaining how the cousin likely feels. But you can’t change what you did and the choices you made. You chose the venue over relationships, and now you are reaping what you sowed. You can certainly give a heartfelt apology, though I’m not sure how much weight the cousin would put in that. Actions speak louder than words and all. You may have permanently damaged this relationship. “I’m sorry,” doesn’t take the hurt away and doesn’t change the past. 

Post # 53
5092 posts
Bee Keeper

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anonymous03091989 :  If you decided to not invite cousins, and then you sent the one aunt an invite with a +1, thinking that aunt & uncle would come, but extended that the +1 could be a cousin, were there also more cousins invited somehow?  Because I didn’t see that in your post, if yes, there were more cousins invited, and they attended, but this one wasn’t -was she the only one that ended up not being invited.  Sorry, just trying to follow along.  

Post # 54
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m scared that I might go through the same thing as you.  My venue has very limited spacing too.  (So it’s not money in this case).  So between some of my first cousins on my dad’s side, I really had to limit which ones I invited.  My aunt had 6 or 7 kids.  One of the males, I’ve never really met so he’s out.  I only invited 2 of the siblings and that’s because I actually am closer with them than the other cousins.  However I fear that if they hear about it later, there will be issues.  We’ll see though once we get to the point that we get declines if we can invite more.  Luckily they all live within driving distance of the wedding so it wouldn’t require last minute flight arrangements.

Post # 55
123 posts
Blushing bee

Perfectly fine not to invite cousins if you’re not close. My Future Mother-In-Law insisting we invite my fiancé’s cousins and I’m really narked about it (I’m going along with it to keep the peace). I just feel very upset that we have to invite borderline total strangers who don’t care about my fiancé and won’t even know I exist till they get the invitation, while excluding people we genuinely would really like to be there.

Weddings are not about family as such. They are about the bride and groom getting married and the guests should be those who love the bride and groom – much of the time that will be the family, but extended family members who make no effort with the bride and groom? Nah.

Having said that OP, while it was fine not to invite cousins, people are allowed to be upset. That’s the problem with wedding guest lists, you send a message as to people’s relative importance to you. Perfectly your right, but their right to be upset about it if they don’t make the cut. If I’m not invited to a wedding of someone I thought I was close to, I don’t get angry about it but i do view my relationship with the bride and groom differently

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