(Closed) Feeling bad for having a "better" wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Beehive
Post # 16
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I can kind of relate. We’re spending much more than FH’s best friends did, and I know she wishes she could have had a large wedding rather than a JOP with just her Darling Husband. But, she is genuinely happy for us too, and has been a great asset in helping me plan. I really doubt she’s jealous-after all, at the end of the day, both of us will be married to a guy we think is amazing, and that’s what really matters.

Post # 17
Member
2807 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

“better” isn’t the proper term. “different” is.

you’re having the wedding you want. she had the wedding she wanted. if she gives you crap about it, that’s her problem.

Post # 18
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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Bullseye2014:  I’ve sort of found that as well but I just don’t go in to details. We have friends who spent a third of what we’re spending (they were open about what they spent, we’re not) however they actually sort of judge us for spending a lot! That annoyed me at first because I would never judge anyone for spending as little or as much as they want, its their wedding day and they can do whatever makes them happy! Since then i’ve just kept the details to myself!

Don’t feel guilty, I don’t think you even need to worry about it at all! Just keep the specifics to yourself 🙂

Post # 19
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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Bullseye2014: Money doesn’t make a great wedding, the people and the atmosphere does. For example, I’ve been to a BYOC-wedding (as in bring your own chair wedding) and a $100.000 affair, and while the later was all glitzy and extravagant I had so much more fun at the BYOC one.

It sounds like your friend had a great wedding experience, so if she doesn’t seem bothered with you talking about your wedding I wouldn’t stress about it. Also, truth be told… I feel like the stage of “comparing weddings” is something you do when you plan your own, not so much when you’re already married. Regardless of what your wedding was like, you move on with your life and you don’t continue to fret over details such as paper vs. linen napkins.

Post # 20
Member
437 posts
Helper bee

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gelaine22:  You do realize that the way you just humble-bragged the many (and very specific), luxe details of your wedding, sounds like you are trying to take the OP down a few notches by “one upping” her, right? You totally are guilty of doing what you told her not to do in your second post. 

Post # 21
Member
925 posts
Busy bee

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Bullseye2014:  Are you sure you feel bad or are you just humblebragging?

Post # 22
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Soon2bmarried123:  +1

OP, it is tacky to talk about money.  You plan the wedding you want, and have fun, but humblebragging about the details of your wedding and about how they are pricier than your friends is not classy.

Post # 23
Hostess
8575 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I guess I don’t understand why you would tell her all these things you are having at the wedding, I mean.. isn’t she invited? She’ll see it then. There’s really no reasont to say that you’re having this or that, unless she asks of course. And if she asks what you’re having, then tell her, she doesn’t need to know prices.

Post # 24
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Maybe your friend thinks you’re nuts for blowing so much on one day….people have different financial priorities.

Post # 25
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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Bullseye2014:  Yeah I gotta say I’m not really getting this. Maybe I could understand if your friend had to have an uber uber budget wedding that she didn’t like because she is broke but getting your invitations from vista print and having a dj instead of a band doesn’t sound like that to me.  I have had friends who spent more money on their wedding than we did – professionally made invitations whereas I did ours on Microsoft Publisher, they had a videographer  – we didnt, they had a dj for the dance part whereas we ipoded that portion of the reception.  Just like we had some things for our wedding that other friends chose not to get. I never thought anyone was trying to one up each other. Don’t assume she feels bad because you have a band and she had a dj. It sounds quite patronising really…maybe she just had different priorities for money and where she wanted to spend it.

Post # 26
Member
2890 posts
Sugar bee

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Bullseye2014: You’re making the assumption that the money you spend = the qualitative value of weddings/marriage celebrations, and it couldn’t be further from the truth. I think we’ve all heard about or known people who literally got married on their deathbeds with no fluff whatsoever and yet, we all thought it was an incredibly beautiful, meaningful moment, a wedding’s true and essential meaning. Once you think about it, you start to realize it doesn’t matter the money you spend over your wedding, it will never influence the quality of the commitment you’re about to make and it’s the only thing that matters in the end. 

From an outsider’s perspective, we might appear, just like your friend, as though we ”can’t” afford to have fresh flowers, calligraphy, professional photographers and other stuff expected in ”traditional” weddings nowdays. Now, it’s true Fi and I are very frugal and on a tight budget and we also made choices that were cost-related. But even then, we chose to downscale our already small wedding to a 12-people event. Why ? Not because we ”couldn’t afford” it, but because we realized we actually didn’t want to spend much over a wedding. We have other projects that are more meaningful to us as a couple, such as being debt-free, owning a property within the next years and retiring early, and we felt our money would be better spent on those lifelong projects, rather than on a wedding that only lasts one day. Well, that also means pretty much everybody we know will likely spend more on their wedding than we will on ours. Still, it doesn’t bother us the slightest. Their money, their choices, their responsabilities. It will not make us feel jealous, simply because we can’t be jealous of something that’s not a priority to us. Unless you know that your friend felt miserable because she didn’t have the wedding she wanted (in which case I wouldn’t discuss your own wedding purchases with her to begin with), I wouldn’t be so quick to assume she’ll compare both weddings and feel yours will be better. Many people are extremely content and satisfied with their frugal lifestyle, and when you’re satisfied with your life, you don’t compare yourself to others and don’t envy others based on their spending. Hopefully, your friend is super happy in her life and will not feel bothered by any of your choices related to your wedding !

Post # 27
Member
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Is there anything that has led you to believe your friend feels bad?  Does she not want to talk about the wedding, or has she become distant?  If not, I wouldn’t worry about it.  Your wedding probably doesn’t get thought of as often as you think by other people, in fact, I would guess it only crosses their mind if they’re talking to you about it.  As with most things, it’s best not to discuss the cost/finances with other people, but details are fine to share.

Post # 28
Member
6348 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

“I just dont want her to think im trying to one up her. or feel bad when she ask me about my wedding details and having to make excuses to why iI want what I want”

OP, you make excuses because you want to; each couple will have the wedding they decide to have and the reasoning behind a couple’s decision only concerns them.

Post # 30
Member
8686 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

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Soon2bmarried123:  I thought about that afterward but that wasnt my intention. My point was that it was NO better than anyone else’s. I dont know the details of OP’s wedding so there’s no way I was trying to one up her. I dont care how much anyone spends on their wedding. The point of my post was that more money doesnt equal better. Other people have listed details of theirs also and I dont see it as humblebragging on a wedding-planning forum. 

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