(Closed) Feeling bad for having a "better" wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Beehive
Post # 31
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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Bullseye2014:  Don’t feel guilty! We all have the wedding we want or could afford. I loved my wedding in Mexico, but of course it’s not for everyone. My cousin is having a much bigger wedding, 200 guests compared to our 40, DIY everything, probably handmade centrepieces, much more detail, more parties and little events surrounding it… Hey, I don’t resent it at all!

You’re not being snide about it at all, so there’s no problem there. 🙂 I would say, feel free to tell her all the details you feel comfortable with. So far she doesn’t seem resentful, so that’s encouraging. She’s probably just excited for you, and it’s all good. 

Post # 32
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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Bullseye2014:  There is hardly a person in the world who wouldn’t have minded a few more things at their wedding but their budget does not allow for it. I would have been more than happy to have large florist made arrangements on every table, chiavari chairs etc. We didn’t want to spend that much though so settled for chair covers and potted flowers instead. I don’t get sad when I talk to other people who have paid for chiavari chairs for their wedding though. I honestly don’t care and it doesn’t seem like your friend has given you any sign other that talking about your wedding day details depresses her either or that you should feel ‘guility’.

Post # 33
Member
437 posts
Helper bee

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Bullseye2014:  Errrr…. If would have read my post before lashing out, OP, you would have seen that not a word of what I said was actually to you. In fact, I never replied to *your* original post at all.

Since you mentioned it, though, common sense tells that you went anon because you knew people would call you out on your sense of superiority? Just a guess. 

Post # 34
Member
12819 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If someone has the nerve to ask, you can have the nerve not to answer.    You can always be vague, make a joke and say ” too much”  or say you don’t like to talk money.  

Post # 37
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I know that you say that you don;t wish to offend anyone, but this is a bit of an offensive post. That is just how it comes off. You even used the word better, which makes me wonder if deep down YOU believe it is better. I think in this era we focus too much on the wedding and not enough on the marriage itself. The quality and length of your marriage have nothing to do with how huge your wedding is.

If I had a million dollars to spend on my wedding, I would not spend it all on that. I also would still want my lovely fake flowers and not real ones (as I think they are a waste and will die shortly after) so I can keep mine forever, at no extra charge. I would not want a band as I think they are kind of lame, unless it is a hugely famous band doing their own songs. I am not even having a DJ, because they play what they want half the time.

I spent my money on a number of personalized items that will not be sitting in a box in a closet, but displayed in my home. I spent more on the honeymoon than the wedding, because that will be a week and not just one day. Do I care what other brides spend on their weddings, hell to the no! That is not my concern, and I am not interested in comparing. This is the same as comparing who has a bigger ring, a bigger house, a newer car, etc. It will only lead to trouble.

Your friend, if she is indeed a friend, should not care about what you spent on a wedding. NO one has asked me how much it is, and unless they are about to wip out a check to purchase something, they had better not. You can tell her details without talking prices. This sounds more like your issue and not hers. 

Post # 38
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think it can definitely go both ways, and unless she’s shown signs that she is upset about you being able to spend more, I don’t really think it’s a problem to discuss things. For example, Fiance and I are spending much less than most people do on weddings, and we think it’s going to be better than anything we’ve seen! But that’s because it’s OUR wedding based around OUR personal tastes all celebrating us getting married—of course, it’s going to be our favorite wedding!

Post # 39
Member
1731 posts
Bumble bee

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Bullseye2014:  I agree with PP that it’s very presumptuous (and boderline rude) for you to assume that your friends will even care about this…

Post # 40
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

The OP used the word better in quotes, so ppl should try and cut her some slack. She’s feeling awkward because a friend/s of hers who paid significantly less than she is for multiple wedding expenses keep asking her how much she’s paying and she feels awkward and bad talking about it and needed advice on what to do. 

OP, I’d be vague and talk about the wedding much less with anybody who does this. I’ve only discussed expense amounts w close friends who I knew had paid similar amounts and weren’t judgy and where there was zero risk of them feeling bad or it going sour at all. I like the ideas of saying that your Fiance is handling the amount or that it’s still being worked out or that it depends on details you’ll choose right before the wedding. The Fiance idea might come off as a sugar daddy brag tho, so maybe choose something else. Just be vague enough whenever asked about price and don’t bring up any wedding details w these ppl anymore and eventually they’ll drop it. 

I know a few ppl who had much less expensive weddings (I know BC I helped them plan) and they are secure. Not a one of them has ever asked me how much anything for my wedding is costing and they won’t. Their weddings were great, I loved them, and so did the couples and they arent insecure about them. Sounds like your friend/s are insecure or regret something or are jealous or maybe want to judge you a bit. Just don’t engage. 

Post # 41
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I don’t understand why you’re concerned about making her feel bad when she’s the one pointedly asking the price of your vendors. Maybe she thinks you’re nuts to even spend what you are on calligraphy or real flowers, instead of feeling bad about her own wedding.

Just because you’re picking things that are “better,” doesn’t mean that they (a) are better; and (b) that your friend feels bad about it. When my sister was getting married, I asked my parents to see the budget breakdown, not because I was jealous, but because I was curious about what vendors for a big wedding would cost.

Post # 42
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I genuinely don’t think a bigger budget = a ‘better’ wedding! Things like real flowers on tables, a live band, calligraphy on the invites etc are just that, ‘things’…they aren’t going to make a wedding day any better than it would be without those things!

It’s good that you can afford the things you want OP but don’t assume other brides didn’t get what they wanted either just because they spent less money.

I’ve been to some fab weddings with both very very modest budgets and absolutely huge budgets…i enjoyed them all equally and would be hard pressed to say which ones were ‘better’

Post # 43
Member
9380 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i’ve gone to shitty wedding that cost a lot and also cost next to nothing.  and i’ve been to fabulous weddings that are shitty and also cost next to nothing.

so money has nothing to do with it.

my wedding cost more than the average wedding and i still used vista print for my invitations and Save-The-Date Cards.  and my friend sent my envelopes through her printer using a fancy font so it looked like caligraphy.  everything was beautiful. 

 

Post # 44
Member
2847 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My Fiance and I have both been married previously.  We make plenty of money between the 2 of us to have a big wedding.  We are still opting for a super small, intimate wedding with no attendants, other than our children (I have 2; he has 1).  It’s exactly what we want.  Bigger or more expensive doesn’t necessarily mean better.  Maybe your friend had exactly what she wanted.  I also am not jealous of people who have big, huge, fancy affairs.  It’s their (or their parents’) money.  Not my business how it is spent.  Although I do have a number of friends who wih they’d have taken the cash payout their parents offered over the big wedding they had.  Hindsight is 20/20….

Post # 45
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I understand where you’re coming from, but I wouldn’t worry about it. I can’t imagine finding ANY wedding “better” than my own, even if they spent a million dollars on it. My wedding wasn’t exactly “budget” but I did exactly what I wanted and the cost was what it was. Could we/might we have spent more? I guess. But we didn’t. So what?

This is not to exclude the fact that some people like to make themselves miserable. I did have one friend mention to me ways in which she thought I should cut corners to save costs (because cost was an issue in planning her wedding, where it wasn’t in planning mine) but I don’t think she was trying to ensure that my wedding didn’t “surpass” hers in some way. If your friend is insecure and competitive to the point that she actually ASKS you your wedding details in an attempt to compare the quality of the two events, then that’s her problem, not yours. 

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